“Okay.”
Taking his hand in mine I brought him out on the balcony with me. I tried to give off big girl vibes. Erase anything that reminded him of my age and give him a grown woman. My unsteady hands were making me out to be a liar but who could blame me. Amell was standing before me allowing me to undress him. I removed his shirt and helped him out his sweats and shoes. When he stood unashamed in nothing but Nike briefs, I had to pray ten Hail Mary’s to keep my eyes from drifting below the trail of dark coil hairs on his stomach.
“Sit please.” Once he obliged my command, I went back inside and made us some tea and rolled a blunt. A mix of lavender, lemon, honey, and ginger tea. He’d be more than relaxed after drinking that. With a fur blanket draped over my forearm, steaming mug in hand, and blunt in the other, I sought deep down within.
Dug up all of my audacious womanhood and sat down on his lap.
He never complained or stiffened. If anything, he relaxed at the feel of me in his arms. Each time he pulled from the blunt I felt his shoulders become less and less burdened down. Our verbiage became the night’s happenings. There in the safety and comfort of his arms I laid my head on his chest and drifted off to the most peaceful sleep I had in a long time.
Crazy how he sought me out because he needed me. I guess I was the one who really needed him.
A heavy drum of thunder woke me out of my sleep. Blinking until my bedroom came into view, I scanned every inch for Amell. I knew I hadn’t dreamed him up. Sniffing my shirt and smelling him on me brought back every memory. He had come to me. He found me and gave me rest. With my blanket wrapped around me I quietly went in search of him. The harder the rain poured, the harder my heartbeat against my chest.
His scent was way too strong for him to have left.
“Jesus.” I held my chest trying to control my breathing. I hated thunder.
Passing my kitchen, the rain sounded too close. Sounded too clear. The smell of his cologne mixed with the freshness of the rain. It was the most divine smell I ever smelled. I don’t even think I had enough time to fully let out a gasp when he came into full view.
His legs and calves. Thighs and musckled back. Not muscles. Amell had musckles, and they were all defined and wet. Naked as the day he was born he stood on my balcony in the rain. I never seen anything so erotic, tranquil, and peaceful. He stood there at the furthest edge where the rain poured down on him in the gallons.
I never beheld a creation like him and pretty sure I never would. He just stood there and let the rain cover him like a king waiting on his court to cover him in his royal linens. Leaning against the doorframe of the sliding doors, I marveled at the man before me. From where I stood, I could see that his eyes were closed and mouth slightly parted freely out here being one with nature, I suppose.
I knew he was in a deep spiritual meditation. I felt the high vibrations of his spiritual energy.
Wanting to know his thoughts and to hear his voice I asked him one question. “Do you have fears, Amell?” I asked the question because I wanted to know. His eyes opened but he didn’t answer me.
My socks came off followed by the tossing of my blanket. Stepping out onto the cold, wet cement in my cotton nightgown, I stood next to him and asked the question again but in a much smaller voice. “What scares you?” A slow smile came upon his face. Even in the dark of the night and rain bathing over him, Amell was beautiful. I loved his boldness to be unashamed.
“Truthfully, I am afraid of you and what you will eventually mean to me. I’m afraid of what loving you will look like if we ever took it there. I’m afraid of you, Krishna. While you slept in my arms I almost gave myself a headache trying to piece together why I sought you out. Why I’m in need of you. You’re a kid…” “I’m a legal adult.” I sassed back.
“Compared to me you are a kid. I lived a life of seven men twice my age. One drive to the airport and you’ve done what no woman has made me feel.” His thick neck turned. Eyes searching with droplets of rain on his eyelids until we collided. “You make me feel like I matter. Like I’m not some savage beast but a man, who is worthy of the blessings God has for me.”
My lips parted and closed several times unsure of what to say.
“I live in throes of chaos. Silence is non-existent in my world. However, when I am blessed to experience it, I cling to it because here in moments like this, when it’s raining and quiet, I hear from God the most and clearly. He talks to me. Reminds me that in spite of what I have done, I was worth saving. The last time it rained He and I had a conversation and I asked for the unthinkable.” His head dropped to the center of his chest. Raindrops dripping from his nose and lips.
Such a magical being.
Ready to take the adventure of traveling over his stature, I started my journey at his head. Dark waves drenched. My eyes went lower as the rain poured on, serenading us with its music. The small hairs on his chest. His defined abs and tattoos. The deep v-cut and happy trail going down to his…dear gawd…he’s curved. Large. Girthy…and soft. How on earth is that possible?
“I asked Him to give me the greatest gift. The greatest blessing, he could give me at this time.” When I made it back up to his face those midnight eyes were shining like two gemstones. “After you waved back at me before getting on the terminal, I heard Him clear as day…you’re welcome but it’s not time.”
I had no right to get in my feelings or become sad. What he spoke had truth weaved all through it. For one, we were in two different states with thousands of miles separating us. If I committed myself to Amell right now I’d let my infatuation and obsession push my education dreams to the back burner. A teacher is all I ever wanted to be, and I had that opportunity to make that a reality. So close that it was literally sitting in the palm of my hands. Though next year I’d be a senior, grad school added one more year to that.
Mama always told me to never alter my dreams for a man and I refused to allow myself to let that happen. Most importantly I had to think of my parents. They played a major role in this equation. When or if I ever committed myself to Amell, clinging wouldn’t even be the word to describe what might transpire.
I’d cleave myself to him and that alone made me afraid. No one, not even my father’s threat had enough ammunition to keep me out of Florida.
Understandably, that wasn’t a war he nor I wanted at this time.
“I believe you, Amell. Do you know how often I pray for you? How annoyed God is at me because I pray for you to see me. You stole my breath away the first time I saw you, and I’ve been in love since. If all I ever get is this moment, then I’d die a happy girl. All I ever wanted was to be in your space. Share your presence and breathe your air. You walked through my door and gave me that and so much more.”
Holding his hand out he beckoned for me to join him in the rain. “I’ll leave money for you to get your hair done.”
Bump my hair. One phone call and I’d be booked to get redone in the morning. However, this moment with Amell at three in the morning on my balcony was priceless.
A memory forever sketched on my heart.
Cocooned in the firmness of his arms, Amell securely held me against his chest. My back to his front as rain cloaked us. Dancing on our skin, and though it was cold at first, his warmth felt better than any hot shower. The weight of his manly organ rested comfortably in the center of my back.