“Business before pleasure, Lucifer. This isn’t a hard concept. And the pleasure part of this equation only happens if you have a damned good sales pitch and you haven’t gotten tired of me running the joint. I suspect you’ll be more than ready for me to head on home once I’m finished around here.” I regarded the ceiling with interest. “The interior decoration of your entry is sparse but gorgeous, I’ll give you that. You could use a few sofas or lounge chairs scattered around here to make viewing a little easier. Did you go cathedral theme throughout the whole place?”
“I have modern rooms.”
“Because you’re spoiled and need your luxuries?”
“You’re really calling me spoiled. In my own house.”
“If it makes you feel better, I’d call you spoiled outside of your house, too.”
My brother sighed.
“Your brother wishes to communicate that he is convinced you will die a terrible death at my hands.”
“He’s probably not wrong. I’m viewing myself as having low odds of general survival anyway, but if I’m going to go out and earn my way here, I’ll do it in a spectacular fashion. You can’t kill me until I’ve paid the CDC’s bill, though. That’s the third rule. Murdering me so you can torture my soul for however long you see fit is definitely not on the table for discussion.”
“Any other conditions?”
“Yeah. Show me your bathroom.” If I had to move into the Devil’s house for a while, his bathroom would give me a pretty good idea of if he was actually spoiled or just a talker.
“I assure you, I make no boast without being able to back it. Do you want to see the guest bathrooms or the master bathrooms?”
“I wish to see my entire domain, if you please. And honestly, even if you don’t please. If I’m going to be making my permanent residency here after I’m done fucking over the rest of my life, I’d like to see what I’m taking over and if it’s worth it. And if you bite me, Jonas, I will make you suffer for all eternity.”
“She really will,” the Devil warned. “But very well. If you wish to go on a tour of my home, then let us go on a tour of my home. We’ll begin here, which was the first room I built of this residence, as I had the fucking asshole of a painter in residence. Painting the ceiling at my whim rather than his seemed like punishment enough, and once he finished painting, I had him work as a maid for a few years before sending him off. Really, his job as a maid was the real punishment. However much it disgusted me, he loved the painting of my ceiling almost as much as I do. So, that’s mine, and you may not have it.”
If I owned the Devil, I owned the Devil’s prized ceiling, so I shrugged. “Whatever you say, Lucifer.”
“Remind me to torment my brothers for the rest of eternity for bringing you here.”
“How do you torment a pair of archangels? Truth be told, I’m a little annoyed they abandoned me here before telling me how to get back to Earth. Then again, maybe they expect me to successfully storm your gates and conquer the place, which means you could probably return me to my home in the proper time and in good health.” I shrugged. “And if not, well, I’ll come up with a new plan.”
“For some reason, I find this worrisome.”
“What’s this? It’s possible for a man to be smart and pretty?”
“I’m not a man.”
I pointed at the painting of his perfect chest and flame-shrouded body. “Close enough. You’re male, and you’re pretty. Therefore, the probability of you being smart is greatly decreased.”
“Yet you’ve rejected me.”
“Smart and pretty doesn’t make for a good husband there, sweetheart. And if I was in the market for a man, I wouldn’t be living with my brother. You’ll just have to get over it.”
“You don’t have to marry me to come to bed with me,” the Devil complained.
“I already told you how this works. Business and pleasure do not mix, and if you want to get to the pleasure portion of any arrangements we might make, then you better have a damned good proposal for the business portion of my ventures. You might make a good advisor on how best to approach this. If I had my way, I’d just poison them all with the nastiest transformatives I can find coupled with a poison to make sure they slowly died in their new form. But I could settle with just stabbing them repeatedly, but I figure an eye for an eye is appropriate, except I don’t just get mad, I get even and charge interest.”
“I can’t believe you’re really rejecting me.”
I rolled my eyes. “Show me your bathrooms, Your Sulfurous Majesty. At least try to pretend you’re worth conquering.”
Six
The Devil had more bathrooms than sense.
The Devil had more bathrooms than sense, and he had a tendency to create them with a theme in mind. His Chinese-themed one, which he saved for last in his tour of his home, displayed priceless treasures. I bet I could steal one of his vases and make enough off it to live the rest of my life in comfort.
I spent a shameful amount of time debating if I could fit one under my shirt so I could steal it.
“I would definitely notice if you tried to steal one of my vases, although I would find it amusing enough to allow you to try to get away with it until it was time to go, which would be when I would enjoy doing a very thorough searching of your body to make certain you weren’t trying to steal anything else. I have decided my current goal is to count all of your spots. They’re lovely, and I want to investigate each and every one of them.” He paused. “Preferably with my tongue, but I’ll settle with my hands first if needed.”
I spent a few minutes considering his offer. How would he manage? While soft, fur was fur. When I wasn’t rocking a fur coat, I did have a collection of freckles scattered over my body, enough to keep him amused if he needed something to count. It didn’t take me long to come to a conclusion there would be no counting of my spots in his near future. “Obviously, I’m going to need to either leash you or keep a supply of willing succubi ladies around to keep you amused while I work.”
“You could keep me amused.”
“I’m sure the succubi will be far more talented at keeping you amused and satisfied than I.” I snorted at my general lack of experience with men, as every time I thought about landing a man, he chickened out believing he’d catch some disease or another from me—or he proved to be an asshole. Add in my asshole brother, my mother’s warnings, and decent observation skills, and I’d gone through life more frustrated than anything else.
“Virgins are an extra special treat, and half the fun with them is teaching them how to be the perfect lover. I don’t have to go through the hassle of undoing any bad habits.”
“What makes you think you’re good enough for my first time, anyway?”
The Devil spluttered. “Have you forgotten who I am?”
“No. You’re the Lord of Hell. The Lord of Lies. You have a great chest, I’ll give you that. But I’m not here to take you to bed. I’m here to take over. I don’t need you in bed to accomplish my goals. Also, if we could not talk about my lack of a love life in front of my brother, that would be great. He’ll start bringing his unsavory friends home with him, assuming I might actually want one of them. And don’t get me started on the idiots who assume my ears and tail mean I’m infected with some disease.”