“Her being a queen implies she’ll have run of the place.”
“Well, yes. Having a queen around to knock sense into your minions would probably be helpful.”
“My minions are the generals of my many hells, and cut their teeth on sin and violence,” the Devil replied.
“Well, she better be one hell of a woman, then. Moving on. As I expect to be visiting here often, I’ll need to take over a room.”
“You may stay in my bedroom.”
“You really have trouble with rules, don’t you? No more spots if you can’t follow the rules, Lucifer. My rules state you don’t get any pleasure before my business is completed, so I will not be residing in your bedroom. Anyway, I don’t play games with men, and I don’t engage with men who have side chicks, so you’ll have to maintain your bedroom for your bachelorette succubi. Surely you have at least one good guest bedroom in this place?”
“Why would I have a guest bedroom?”
“For guests. Not fucking assholes, for actual guests.”
“Why would I bring guests into my home for longer than a few hours?”
“This is why your succubi do not want to engage in a long-term relationship with you. You need a guest bedroom. You need multiple guest bedrooms. For example, I’ll have my pipsqueak of a brother here with me, and he needs his own guest bedroom. I get my own guest bedroom, and you should have at least two or three other guest bedrooms for visitors.”
“This sounds like a great deal of work. Why can’t I just throw the guests into the dungeon? I already have dungeons.”
“The dungeons are for the fucking assholes unless you have a guest who wants to experience the dungeon.”
“I don’t like your rules.”
“Deal with them. Guest bedrooms, Lucifer, not excuses. Moving on. I’ll need an office, as I’m sure you have more paperwork than sense.”
“I feel personally attacked by that statement.”
“That is because I personally attacked you with that statement. I swear, you must have gotten kicked out of the heavens for your tendency to whine, complain, and talk back.”
“You’re not wrong,” he admitted. “It’s a little more complicated than that.”
“I really don’t care. You’re a stepping stone, buddy. I have goals, and I’ll use you to accomplish them.”
“For every day you control my many hells, I get to count a spot,” the Devil announced. “This is a fair arrangement. If you control my many hells for more days than you have spots, I get to count spots a second, third, or fourth time until I have counted a spot for every day you’ve taken the place over.”
At a minimum of ten minutes per spot with a mix of hands and mouth paying attention to each and every one of them, he would need at least an entire day to get through the spots on my chest alone. I narrowed my eyes, considering his offer. “You’re supposed to be checking out the eligible bachelorette succubi. You’re really not clear on how this works, are you?”
“Oh, I’m very clear about how this works. Most succubi will run away, although some will play the game to see if they can gain more power here. I’ll spend a great deal of time chasing my succubus around; they do like to stray. Often. Daily, really. I can’t blame them. I made them that way. Then I keep getting these defective incubi and succubi. Those are the ones who think it’s a good idea to shack up with an angel and a human.”
“Maybe you should shack up with a succubus who is generally inclined to shack up with an angel. They are loyal to their triad. I mean, I’m a human, and even I know that.”
“Shapeshifters are hardly human.” The Devil stared at my wrist and the spot he’d been granted permission to admire. “Humans do not have such lovely spots.”
“I have some freckles when human.”
“You have my attention.”
“I feel your brothers should have warned me you have a spot fetish.”
“I feel I should thank them for their failure to warn you how much I intend on enjoying your spots.”
“There is zero chance of you having anything to do with my spots until I’ve fully secured revenge on my brother’s behalf. Can’t you see I’m traumatized over what I was forced to witness here?”
“Your sarcasm is almost as appealing as your spots,” the Devil purred.
“Put your perverted little brain on a different track for a while there, tiger. Revenge first, family securements second, then and only then can you beg and plead for the right to count another spot.”
“You keep telling me no, and I am utterly baffled over why I have not wiped you from existence yet. I find this to be disconcerting.”
“You want to count my spots. If you wipe me from existence, you can’t count my spots. I really thought you were smarter than this.” I heaved a sigh. “Taking over the place might be doing your underlings a favor. Do you have a responsible adult in this place I can talk to about appropriate management practices?”
“I am the responsible adult.”
“Goodness. No wonder this place is a mess. I’m done with my cordial visit, and I am moving into the hostile takeover phase of my day. Show me your office, assuming you actually do any work in this place. I need to see what I have to work with.”
“But do I get to count spots when you’ve completed your hostile takeover? Will you use the whips and cuffs?” The Devil gestured out of the bathroom in the direction of the hallway. “Will you chain me to my desk?”
“You sound a little hopeful there.”
“It’s been a while since a female of any species was willing to chain me to my desk,” he admitted.
“I will chain you to your desk should you give me a nice present I will enjoy with no strings attached.”
“My office is this way. Would you like to use silver, gold, platinum, or iron chains?”
“That’s a dumb question. I’ll use them all.”
I chained the Devil to his desk as requested, used the chains to make a gag, and left him there while I examined the rest of his office. Michael hadn’t been joking about the Devil’s luxuries. His computer was nothing like I expected, with a large enough screen it reminded me of a television. Rather than ask him where he’d gotten it, I ignored my jealousy, moved the keyboard within the Devil’s reach, and ordered him to tap in his password.
He obeyed, grunting at me. As I didn’t understand grunting, I ignored him, sat in his large, comfortable chair, and explored. As promised, he had a good internet connection. With minimal poking and prodding, I discovered the Devil kept meticulous notes, and he even had a system of files and folders dedicated to his various minions. Names and descriptions of roles simplified my work, and I brought up the files of Belial, Asmodeus, and Abaddon, all three who might be useful for what I needed done. I considered their roles, eliminating Abaddon as my first choice. While he’d likely do a wonderful job of destroying my enemies, he’d likely do his best to make sure my plans were also destroyed. Wholesale destruction worked in some cases, but I needed more refinement than what he likely offered. As Asmodeus embodied wrath, I’d have a decent time convincing him to work with me.