“Yes. She wants you to open your goddamn eyes. She wants you to move out of your grief and try to move forward.”
“I was.” I point to my chest with anger and fear because I know he’s right. I drop my chin to my chest in defeat. “I don’t want to forget him.”
“No one will ever forget him. Ever. He lives on.”
“Baz.” I state matter of factly, and he nods, taking a deep breath.
“Yes. And in us. Our future kids. We’ll still see him, and we’ll remember the good, even though maybe we understand now that . . .”
I look up at him, my big brother who I fought so long to be nothing like. He’s mature now. Calm and happy. He’s exactly what Colt would have wanted him to be. And nothing similar to what our father wanted. “Understand what?”
“That he wasn’t perfect.”
I shake my head. “I refuse to believe he would have been like Dad.”
He shrugs his large shoulders, seeming so much bigger than me in this moment even though we’re evenly matched in size. “Eh, if he wouldn’t have died and kept going down the same path, I would have beat the shit out of him and made damn sure he didn’t turn into Dad.”
I actually smile at that because I think it’s true. “Guess Dad needed a brother like you.”
He grins and then puts me in a headlock I wasn’t ready for. “Now, go make up with your girl.”
I fight to get out of the headlock, going back to ten-years-old again, but the fucker has a good hold on me. “She’s not mine.”
“Bullshit. She’s been yours since the day you moved in with her.”
I finally get free and push him back as he gives me a grin to let me know he let that happen. “She’s a pain in the ass.”
“Yeah, they all are. Always wanting to fix us, but we help them out too.”
I give a curt nod but feel vulnerable when I look to him for advice. “I don’t want to be like Dad.”
He smiles easily. “You won’t.” He starts to leave, but then turns around, grinning wide. “And if you start to act like him, I'll just beat the living shit out of you.”
“Fucker.”
He laughs and then walks back over to me, I guess needing to say more. “She loves you. Let her. You love her. Let yourself. And don’t fuck it up.”
“What if I do?”
He shrugs. “Don’t.”
I accept his answer, and he leaves me alone to think. We all thought Colt was the good one our entire lives. But the truth is, he was only human. And he broke.
I look back at the house and then straight ahead again. Vivienne has given me space because she’s smart enough to know I’m not ready to discuss this yet.
But Linc’s right. I want my girl.
I’ve been avoiding Viv like the plague. Shocker, I know. This is what I do.
I want to go to her, but I’m a fucking coward. The things she said . . .
I gulp, thinking about the things she said to me about Colt. About us. I lift my water glass to my lips as I take a drink and listen to the mundane, totally normal conversation at dinner. Celebrating another week being over.
Everything feels so damn normal as I look around the table and see Hayden sitting next to Lola, and Penelope with Linc next to her. Viv is on Linc’s other side, and Baz is in between us. My mother sits next to me with Tony beside her.
No matter how many seats we add to the table, there will always be an empty space.
I can hear Colt’s laugh, but it’s faint. It grows quieter and quieter every single day, and it’s horrifying to me.
How can I forget him?
How can I tell Viv how damn much I love her and allow myself to be happy when he’s not here?
“So, are we going to talk about that ring on your finger, little miss?” I zone back to the conversation when I hear my mother’s voice and see she’s talking to Lola.
She’s sporting a diamond on her finger. I look to Hayden. “You finally did it?”
He grins, beaming with pride. “I did it a while ago.”
Lola smiles brightly. “It was inevitable, I suppose.”
I’ve never seen her look this happy, and goddamn, I feel nothing but happiness for her. And him. “Wow. Congrats.”
My mom is obviously pleased. “Oh, I'm so happy! Where are you two getting married? Have you set a date?”
The lovebirds look at each other and then back at Mom. Lola is the one to answer. “Soon. Here. On the beach with everyone who’s sitting right here.”
My mom looks happy about that and nods. I’m just fucking glad they aren’t dragging us out to the lake. I don’t think I can do that again. “That sounds lovely.”
During the rest of dinner, everyone else is busy talking about the upcoming wedding, but my thoughts remain in the past. Where they always are.
How happy would Colt be about his Pea’s long-lost brother marrying Lola? I think he would be happy.
After dinner, I decide to try to make up for all my bastard years and do the dishes while everyone else gathers in the living room for a drink. It’s not like I'm through being a bastard, but it helps to get some points back.
But Lola, my sweet, nosey as fuck sister, can’t help herself. She comes in under the guise of helping me out, but I know she’s here to talk.
“Congrats, Lols. I’m happy for you.”
She looks down at the ring with that same goofy grin she gets anytime she’s around Hayden. “Thanks. Now what are we going to do about you?”
I roll my eyes and place a plate in the dishwasher. “There’s nothing to do.”
“Yeah. There is, Asher. You have to move forward. I can’t be truly happy until you are.”
“Well that sounds like a problem.”
She crosses her arms and doesn’t let up. “She loves you. What the hell are you waiting for?”
“I . . .” I look at her with confusion and frustration because I don’t fucking know, and she knows it.
“She didn’t say those things to hurt you.”
“I know.”
She unfolds her arms and lets them drop to her sides. “She wasn’t wrong.”
“I know that too.” My voice is quiet, and it was hard to admit that.
“So go to her, you asshole. Be with her.”
“Don’t you think I want to do that?” I look away from her because I can’t face her. “It feels wrong to be happy. And I'm afraid I'll blame her for it later.”
“For making you too happy?”
I turn to face my sister, deadly serious. Feeling sick to my stomach because I know it isn’t about wanting to fuck other women. It isn’t about my freedom. It’s the fact that’s she makes me so fucking happy I can’t stand it when my brother is gone.
“There’s no such thing, Asher. He would want us to be happy. Hell, he always wanted that. It’s why he tried to please Dad so much. When Dad gave up on the rest of us, he focused on Colt.”
“He saved us.”
She nods. “And I'll miss him every single day of my life. We all will. But we owe him this.”
I swallow the guilt and shame as she hugs me, her touch full of comfort.