“Why would you think you were an ass to her?” Scratch asked.
“She’s always trying to do everything on her own. If I get up to clean something, she stops me and does it herself. I can’t exactly feed Oliver, but I try to help where I can. She just doesn’t seem to want my help.”
Scratch was quiet, and I looked at the phone to make sure the call hadn’t dropped.
“Maybe this isn’t about you,” Scratch said. “You won’t remember, but there was a time when Nikki was in a serious relationship with someone. He treated her like trash. Maybe part of what she’s fighting against is the emotional abuse that ass heaped on her.”
Could that be it?
“You could always ask her,” Scratch suggested. “If she tries to run off, make her sit and listen to you.”
“Am I supposed to tie her to a chair? Because that’s about the only way I could force her to sit still.”
“Do what you have to, Ashes. If you think she’s taking on too much, then she probably is. Maybe she feels like a failure as a mom if she can’t handle it all on her own. Who the fuck knows what’s going through her head? You certainly never will if you don’t get her to open up.”
He had a point. “You’re right. I’ll talk to her. Right now, I’ve convinced her to take a nap.”
“Good. If you need anything, you let us know. You have family, Ashes. The two of you aren’t in this alone.”
The call disconnected and I set my phone aside. Instead of resting with Nikki, I decided to do something else. If the house was already clean, and the laundry already done, then she wouldn’t have a choice but to sit and relax after Oliver was fed. Rolling out of bed, I went to the kitchen and started on the dishes, then wiped down the counters and table, mopped the floor, and worked on the laundry.
Oliver slept for nearly three hours, which meant Nikki had a nice long nap. By the time both of them woke, the house was damn near spotless and the laundry was washed and folded. If she wouldn’t let me help her, then I’d just have to tackle a few things here and there when she slept. I refused to let her do everything herself. If she kept this up, she’d drop from exhaustion before long.
Nikki stared at everything with wide eyes as she cuddled Oliver to her. “You cleaned?”
“Yep. Now you have no choice but to relax today. I’ll take care of lunch and dinner. The only thing you need to worry about is our son and getting in at least one more nap today.”
Her eyes turned glassy with tears. My heart wrenched in my chest and I knelt next to her chair. “Hey, none of that. You’re doing a great job, Nikki. I mean that. But Oliver is my son too, and helping take care of him -- taking care of you -- is something I want to do. I need you to stop shutting me out and taking on every task around here.”
“I love you,” she said softly.
“Love you too, beautiful.” I hesitated only a moment. “I’m not him, you know? Whatever asshole made you feel like anything you did wasn’t enough. That’s not me. And if it was me before, it’s not now.”
Did that even make sense?
She reached out to cup my cheek. “It wasn’t you. It wasn’t even Oliver’s sperm donor.”
I glanced at our kid. “You never talk about him.”
“Bane was a short fling. We only had one night together, and we both knew it wasn’t a lasting kind of thing. It was fun, and I was on the rebound having just dumped my ex. Chad is the one who treated me like garbage.”
“You didn’t love Bane?” I asked. For some reason, I’d never dared to ask. And yet, I’d wanted to know. So damn much. Then I’d feel guilty for being jealous of a dead man.
“No. I never loved Bane. Seeing him die, the brutal way they attacked him, it’s haunted me for a long time. And maybe I felt a little like it was partially my fault. If I hadn’t gone out with him, against Renegade’s wishes at that, then maybe he’d still be alive. It’s hard to say.”
I smiled a little. “So it’s not just me that your brother hates.”
“He doesn’t hate you. He just doesn’t want anyone in the club to date me. Or claim me. Or breathe in my direction for too long. He’s worried that this way of life will get me killed, especially after what happened with Bane.”
“You were there,” I said. “When Bane died.”
She nodded.
A flash of her depressed, sitting on a couch and staring at nothing, entered my mind. I’d seen her that way, moping after Bane died.
“You saved me, Ashes,” she said. “You checked on me every week, several days a week, made sure I ate. You took care of me when no one else would. I wasn’t mourning Bane as a boyfriend, so much as the loss of a man who had died too young. No one else noticed how much that day impacted me, except for you.”
“And I fell in love with you,” I said. It wasn’t something I remembered, but something I felt. I just knew that I’d loved Nikki.
She hesitated. “Yes, I think you did.”
And the fact she wasn’t sure meant I’d never told her. For that matter, the way she said it, made me wonder if she was just telling me what she thought I wanted or needed to hear. Why would I claim her and never say those words to her? It was just another piece of the puzzle that I wasn’t sure I wanted to put back together. Maybe some things were better left in the past… even if it meant I never regained my memories.
Chapter Seven
Nikki, Halloween Night
Little Oliver had no idea what was going on. I’d stuffed him into a Pooh Bear costume, which I’d found to be quite adorable with his chubby little cheeks. At two months old, he’d filled out a lot. It was hard to believe he’d been born early. The club lovingly referred to him as our little chunk, and they weren’t wrong. Oliver had packed on the weight just in the last three weeks alone. It gave me hope that everything would be fine.
Ashes stopped in the nursery doorway, leaning against the frame, hands in his pockets. The man was so damn sexy it sometimes hurt to look at him. Even though I’d had time to heal, he hadn’t touched me yet. He didn’t realize it, but we were breaking that dry spell tonight once Oliver went to sleep. But first, we had a club Halloween party to attend. A family event now that there were more kids at the compound.
Oliver wouldn’t be able to partake in any of the fun stuff Meg and Clarity had planned for the children, but I had still wanted to dress him up. I planned to take a lot of pictures tonight. Even if he was only two months, it was still his first Halloween. Next year, he’d have more fun, but this one was special.
“You ready?” Ashes asked.
“Yeah. I just need to grab his diaper bag and make sure there’s plenty of diapers and wipes in there. And an extra pacifier.”
“I’ll get it. The car is warmed up if you want to carry him out. I’ll be there in a minute.”
I stopped to kiss his cheek on my way past him, breathing in his scent. Even if he didn’t remember who he was before, he still sounded and smelled like the Ashes I’d always known. There were times I forgot that he’d lost his memories. The way he watched me, though, that hadn’t changed. It was the same heat I’d seen the day he brought me here. Even now, it felt like he was undressing me with his eyes as I slid past him.