She smiled at our son before looking back up at me. “No, I think we’re lucky to have you.”
I ate my food quickly while she finished feeding our kid, that way I could hold him so she could eat. I’d thought about asking if we could switch him to a bottle so she wouldn’t have to do so much, but the pediatrician had harped on the benefits of breast milk, so I’d kept quiet. Seeing Nik with our son, I had a healthy dose of respect for all the moms in the world. No matter how tired, hungry, or sore she was, she just kept going and taking care of everyone.
“You’re one hell of a woman, you know that?” I asked.
Her cheeks flushed and she ducked her chin, looking at Oliver.
“I mean it, Nik. You do so much for us and never take time for yourself. That needs to change. You’re not in this alone. I’m perfectly capable of cleaning the kitchen or washing the clothes. You don’t have to do it all on your own.”
She sighed and her gaze met mine. “I know. I just… I’m not the only one going through a lot, Ashes. You’re still adjusting to everything after your accident, and I don’t want you to do too much. I know you try to hide it from me, but I can tell when you have a headache, and I’ve noticed they’re happening more frequently.”
She wasn’t wrong. I had tried to hide it from her, and they were definitely happening more often. I’d convinced myself it was a lack of sleep, but I had to wonder if something else was going on. There were times when flashes of what I assumed were the past would hit me, one after another, until my brain felt like it might explode. I kept hoping that one day I’d wake up and be back to normal. Then other times, I worried that if that happened maybe I wouldn’t be as happy as I was right this moment. What if everyone hadn’t been completely honest with me? Not remembering might not be the worst thing ever.
“I just didn’t want you to worry. The flashes of memory are coming faster and more frequently, but not enough of a glimpse for me to piece anything together.”
Her lips tipped up in a smile. “That’s a good thing, though. It means that maybe your memory will come back soon.”
Was it, though? A good thing? Because I wasn’t entirely sure of that. I knew that everyone wanted me to remember, but there were times I thought maybe I was happier this way. Yes, it sucked to have nothing but blank space where my life should be, but I was building a new one with Nikki and Oliver, one that I really loved. I wasn’t ashamed to admit that I was scared of that changing once the memories came back.
I reached for Oliver, setting him against my shoulder and rubbing his back. He belched loud enough that it made me laugh. It always amazed me that someone so small could be so loud, or stinky for that matter. The kid was adorable regardless of the nasty diapers or having to get up at all hours of the night. Having him and Nik in my life made everything better.
While she ate her breakfast, I stood with Oliver and carried him down the hall to his room. Past experience had taught me that he’d be ready to be changed about now. I made quick work of putting a fresh diaper on him, and as he yawned widely, I decided to see if he’d lie in his crib. Sometimes he would doze off, and others he’d scream the house down because he wanted to be held. And Nikki usually gave into him.
All right. So I caved too. What could I say? My son had me wrapped around his little finger.
Oliver settled in his crib, smacked his lips, and started to fall asleep. I knew if I didn’t convince Nik to come lie down with me, she’d start cleaning. When I got to the kitchen, she was already placing the dirty dishes and pans in the sink.
“Oh, no, you don’t!” I reached out, snagged the belt of her robe, and tugged her back. “No dishes. No cleaning. Our son is going to sleep, so we’re going to go rest while we can. You know damn well he’ll be up again in another two hours.”
She sighed and leaned back against me. “I know. You’re right, but… there’s always just so much to do.”
“And it will get done, Nik. It doesn’t have to be done right now.”
She didn’t put up much of a fight as I led her back to our bedroom. I stripped her robe from her, pulled a nightgown over her head, then made sure she got into bed. I climbed in next to her, then wrapped her in my arms so she wouldn’t try to sneak out of the bedroom. I’d already threatened twice before to tie her to the bed if she didn’t rest. I was starting to think I might actually have to do it. “Sleep, sweetheart. Oliver is fine. The house can wait.”
She sighed and snuggled into me. “Fine. Tyrant.”
I smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. There were times it was hard for me to believe I barely knew Nikki. I’d tried to throw her out of my house that first day, but once I’d found out she was mine, everything had changed. I’d spent as much time with her as possible, learned what she liked and hated, and just enjoyed her company. I didn’t know the men I called brothers all that well, but I’d honestly been avoiding them for the most part.
Scratch and Cinder made sure I was present for Church or any mandatory functions, and I did know everyone to some extent. I’d grown fairly close to one of the Prospects, Dixon. He was my go-to person when I needed something, but the others had a tendency to stare, as if they were waiting for my memory to magically come back. It made me feel awkward when I was around them. The jobs I’d been sent on weren’t much better. I knew that I was supposed to trust these men, but I didn’t have the memories to back that up, and they all felt like strangers.
A soft snore slipped out of Nikki’s lips and I hoped that Oliver would rest for a while. He was wearing his mom out. Maybe I needed to talk to some of the others, the ones with kids, and see how they managed to balance everything. I hated that Nik was running herself into the ground, and I felt like I wasn’t taking up enough of the slack. Not that she gave me much of a chance to help. No sooner would I notice something needed to be done than Nikki was there, taking care of it. If I tried to make her sit down, she brushed me off and said she would in a minute, except that minute never came.
Maybe I needed to hire some help for her? Would she slow down if I hired a housekeeper to come in at least once a week to take a little bit of the burden off her? She certainly didn’t seem to want me to help with anything. It bothered me. A lot. She was here with me, and let me claim Oliver as my son, and yet… most of the time it was almost as if she thought she had to do it all on her own, like I wouldn’t want to help take care of them. Had I been that big of an asshole before I lost my memory? Was there something I’d done or said in the past that made her feel she had to do it all alone?
I needed answers, but I wasn’t certain I was ready for them.
Grabbing my phone off the nightstand, I swiped to unlock it. I hesitated only a moment before I messaged Scratch.
Was I an asshole to Nikki before I lost my memory? Say something that made her think she had to do everything herself?
It only took a moment to get a response from him.
Not that I’m aware. Did she say something?
I snorted. No. But the way she acted sometimes I had to wonder if she’d tell me even if I had been a dick to her. No. Just this feeling I had… might be nothing.
The phone rang and I answered quickly before it could wake up Nikki.