It must have rained while we were in the store. The city sidewalk was wet, and steam hovered over the street, the asphalt soaking up the late summer heat.
“I could eat.”
I checked my watch, my meeting with my PA, Andrew, wasn’t until later this afternoon. I had a couple of hours to burn. Not that I looked forward to being trapped in a room with him. In a weak moment, I’d told him everything about Jax, and now he hounded me about him all the time.
“I’m dying for a burger,” she said. Gwen wrinkled her nose. “Can we go to McDonald’s?”
“Ew, no.”
“Please,” she said, and stuck out her bottom lip. “They have the best fries.”
I laughed. “Should I get you a Happy Meal? Because the look you’re giving me reminds me of Anders’s five-year-old niece who eats paste.”
“Has anyone ever told you you’re a bully?” She smirked when I held my hand to my chest in mock horror.
“Moi? A bully…”
Laughing, she shoved my shoulder. “Fine. No McDonald’s…”
“Now I feel bad.”
“You should,” she said.
“What about pizza?”
Her face lit up. “Tratoria?”
“You read my mind.”
Even though I’d checked my inbox less than fifteen minutes ago, I couldn’t stop myself from opening up the app one last time before I got in the shower.
Empty.
The rest of my day had deteriorated after my meeting with Andrew had run late. I’d had to haul my ass to the bakery down the street from the publishing offices to pick up the cupcakes I’d ordered for June. They’d lost my order, and I might’ve had a bitch fit and gotten a dozen eclairs for free. Feeling like a total dick, I’d purchased a half-dozen cookies that I would no doubt eat all by myself when I came home drunk tonight, feeling morose and dramatic over the fact I’d most likely made a huge mistake sending Jax that fucking email. Before I could let the sinking feeling in my gut ruin my night, I tossed my phone onto the bathroom counter, and stepped into the shower. I turned on the faucet to the hottest setting I could stand. My skin was red, but I didn’t care. The muscles in my shoulders ached with the realization of how much I still loved Jax, how much he affected me, how much hope I’d allowed to linger. In my head I’d kept these snapshots of him. His head rested on my dorm room pillow with the sunlight on his face, his lids heavy and hooded, sleepy and fucked out. In those moments, with the world asleep, oblivious to the two boys lying next to each other, with nothing but love in their eyes, Jax could be who he’d wanted to be, do what he’d wanted to do. But last month, when he’d shown up and tipped my world upside down, I’d witnessed with my own eyes how the years, how that ever-present world, had changed him. He had this hard edge now. Time had made him rough and solid and heartbreaking. I clenched my fists as rivulets of water dripped down my face and let the image of him blur into the anger that fed my pulse. It wasn’t enough, I still burned for him. My cock heavy between my legs, I turned the faucet all the way to cold. Like needles, I closed my eyes, allowing the frigid water to infiltrate my skin until I was numb.
When I finally stepped out of the shower, freezing and shivering, I toweled off as fast as I could. Gandalf was perched on the counter, his tail swishing back and forth watching me. I scratched the top of his head and he stood, arching his back until I scratched him there too.
“Why are you so needy?” I asked and he purred with appreciation.
I imagined if he could talk, he’d tell me I was the needy one.
I wrapped my towel around my waist and picked up his food bowl from the floor. He jumped down from the counter, and I laughed as he purred and roped himself through my legs. “You eat like a hobbit. I swear I fill this bowl at least five times a day.”
As I scooped some food into the bowl, my phone chirped. I tried to be calm, but I almost tripped over the damn cat to get to it. It was an email notification. I opened the app.
“Holy shit.”
It was from Jax.
Gandalf looked up from his bowl of food unimpressed.
I tapped on the message, the words swimming on the page. Why the hell I was crying, I had no clue. It was a blatant overreaction most likely brought on by a combination of low blood sugar and days of anxiety. I could have used one of those cookies right about now.
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Sept 3 06:38 PM
SUBJECT: RE: Pushing my luck
Wild,
I didn’t know if you’d want me to reply to your last message. But the way I see it, it wouldn’t hurt any if I did. You’ll either contact me or you won’t. I wanted to wait until I was in Georgia though, make sure I had everything settled and right in my head. I can’t be sure, but your email made me think you might be reaching out, and if it’s a chance you’re giving me, I don’t want to mess it up. I’d like to try my best to set everything right with you.
Remember Ethan? We’re sort of friends now. I told him about you, about me, and it’s weird, being out to someone other than you. But it felt good to tell someone. Felt like I might be on the right track. Anyway, the reason I’m even bringing him up is because he told me I had to start doing what I wanted and quit worrying about everyone else and what they think. I don’t know if I’m ready to quit worrying, but I know I want you. At least a chance at making things right between us.
Like your email said, I want to show you with actions, not words, how sorry I am. How much I’ve missed you, and how all I ever think about is you. I see you, Wild. Every night when I close my eyes. I remember everything. Feel everything. Feel you.
I don’t know if you’ll forgive me, or if you’ll ever want to see me again. But I’m here. Waiting.
Jax~
I brushed my fingers over my wet cheeks. “Well, shit.”
Reading over his words again, I wished June was here. She’d know exactly what I should say. No doubt a perfect mix of take-me-I’m-yours and not-in-this-lifetime-asshole. I almost called her, but remembered I wasn’t supposed to make this night about me. I walked into my room and plopped down onto my bed. The chill from the shower completely gone. My day had put me totally behind, but I couldn’t leave this house without responding to him. Otherwise, I’d inevitably end up brooding in a corner all night, effectively stealing my best friend’s thunder.
I know I want you.
“Why did it take you so long to figure that out?” I asked a little too loud and scared Gandalf.
He scampered under my bed as my fingers tapped across the touchscreen.
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Sept 3 6:53 PM
SUBJECT: Sorry not Sorry
Jax,
You barged your way back into my life, fucking me up all over again, and I want to hate you. I should hate you. In fact, I shouldn’t even be writing this email. Yet, here I sit, typing away, wondering what the hell I’m doing. I don’t know if you can make things right. Too much time has passed. But that’s the shit of it, isn’t it? Nine years, Jax, and goddammit, I see you, too.