“You know I don’t mind it, Jax.”
“I know,” I said. “You’re a good friend.”
“You say that a lot.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “Maybe on one of your weekend visits we could go camping?”
“Yeah… Jason would love that,” I said, knowing damn well his invite had only been for me.
“Sure.” If he was disappointed, I couldn’t tell. “Just tell me when.”
I could almost see it, though. Long weekends at the river, and nights with just him and me and the black night sky. It was easy enough to picture, but this pain in my chest, that email waiting for me, made it impossible for me to want it.
“I will.”
“Listen, I gotta get going, but thanks for covering my ass with your mom.”
“Of course.”
“Have a good night, Jax.”
“You too,” I said, and ended the call.
Trying not to overthink that entire conversation, I set my phone down, opened my laptop, and read Wild’s email as slow as I could.
I feel you, too.
Those four words took the breath right out of my lungs. I read his words again, tripping over always belong to you and I’m not saying no. Wild had opened a door for me. I hadn’t completely fucked it up. He was right, so much time had passed, but my feelings for him had never changed. He could be a different man now, but I wanted to meet him.
My fingers numb, fumbled across the keyboard, leaving all caution behind. I had one chance and I was done holding myself back.
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Sept 3 8:05 PM
SUBJECT: RE: Sorry not Sorry
Wild,
You said you’re not the same person I knew back at school, well, neither am I. But there are some things that never change. I know what it’s like to kiss you, and how you wouldn’t close your eyes until I did. I never wanted to stop looking at you. I shouldn’t be writing any of this, but I want you to know it doesn’t matter how much time has passed. I know you. I know how your skin feels, and how you sound when I’m inside you. I can hear your laugh, and your smart-ass mouth when you’re pissed about something. It’s on this constant loop in my head. And it’s my fault that it’s all just a memory now. Sometimes I feel like I made it all up in my head, what we were like when we were together. But I know I could never create something that good out of nothing. You’re the storyteller, not me.
I wish I’d never walked away from you.
I hate myself for everything, so it makes sense that you’d hate me too. You’re right, it’s been too long and there’s no way I can fix the shit I’ve done. But maybe we can start over? I want to meet the man you’ve become, whenever you’re ready.
Jax~
P.S. Remember that night when Eastchester choked against Southern Cross?
My hands were clammy by the time I hit send. Before I had a chance to regret some of the things I’d said in the letter, Hudson knocked on my bedroom door.
“You decent?” he asked.
“Yeah, come on in.”
Hudson opened the door. “I’m gonna order a pizza, you want anything?”
“Pizza sounds good.”
He eyed my laptop with a smirk. “Watching porn?”
“If I was, do you think I would have invited you in?”
“I don’t know, probably. You’re always hanging out with that hardware store kid.”
“Ethan,” I reminded him, the muscles in my shoulders stiffened.
“You know he’s into dudes, right?”
I debated how to answer, and decided indifference was my best option. I had to live with this dickhead for the next two months.
“And?”
“And…” Hudson’s face contorted. Half disgust. Half shock. “The guy sucks dick, Jax. Probably takes it up the ass, too.”
“Why are you so interested in his sex life?”
His face flushed, and he shoved his hands into his pockets. “I’m not. But you should be.”
My stomach bottomed out. “Why should I care?”
“I heard he’s hanging around your little brother. Doesn’t that freak you out? What if he tries something? Jason won’t know it’s wrong.”
“First of all, my brother isn’t stupid.” Anger flared as I pushed my laptop onto the mattress and stood. “He knows right from wrong.”
Hudson backed up.
“It’s not my business, or anyone else’s who Ethan sleeps with. And if he’s into men, it doesn’t mean he wants every guy in a twenty-mile radius. He’s not a fucking predator, Hudson. And I trust him with my brother more than I’d trust your sorry ass, alright?”
“Okay, man.” He held up his hands. “Chill out. I was trying to help.”
“Thanks, but I’m good. I don’t need your help.”
I sat on the edge of my bed, willing myself to calm the hell down. The last thing I needed was to punch this bigot and get fired.
“Does your mom know he’s gay?” he asked.
“Hand to God, Hudson… I am asking you to shut your fucking mouth.”
“Listen,” he said. His voice was low and easy. “I didn’t mean nothing by it. I didn’t know if you knew, or if you’d care. Obviously, you don’t, so forget I said anything.”
I looked him square in the eyes. “Done.”
“You still want pizza?” he asked.
“Get whatever you want.”
He shut the door on his way out and I fell backward onto the bed, bumping my head on the corner of my laptop. I stared at the ceiling, wondering if I’d ever get to be an out gay man in Bell River. That nagging, persistent voice inside my head, the same one I’d tried to ignore more and more every day, broke through. How could I do that to my mom, to Jason? How could I rip apart our family? My thoughts didn’t get a chance to spiral too far down the rabbit hole when an email alert sounded on my phone. I sat up and grabbed my computer.
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Sept 3 8:28 PM
SUBJECT: RE: Sorry not Sorry
Jax,
For the record, you’re so lucky I’ve had a few drinks already, because wow… you don’t play fair.
And without a bit of liquid courage I might’ve told you not to say those kinds of things to me. That you don’t have the right to open up all my old wounds. But I’m at a club, sitting in a dark corner, instead of celebrating my best friend’s success, thinking about all the things I’ve never been able to forget. Things I didn’t put in the book.
Do you still like Hershey Kisses?
I remember, Jax, and all the things you know about me are yours to keep. But I know you, too. I know that you used to taste like chocolate, and when you were frustrated, you’d chew on your bottom lip. I liked watching you sleep and watching you come. Maybe it was the vulnerability of them both. Or perhaps, it seemed like the only time you were ever at peace with yourself.