The knot was crooked, but I decided that was as good as it was going to get. I sat next to him on the bed. “Sometimes people need some time to themselves, that’s all.”
He lowered his head, his nostrils flaring. “I don’t want you to go.”
Pulling him into a hug, his shoulders shook. “I’ll come home as much as I can.”
“I’ll be alone,” he said, the sound of his voice muffled in my shoulder.
“Ethan’s gonna be here all the time. He told me he wants to take you fishing and to the beach.”
Jason leaned back and wiped at his eyes. “Ethan isn’t you.”
My throat ached as I tried to keep my shit together. I couldn’t break or I’d never leave. I cleared my throat twice, finding my voice. “Two months… Jay. If the job runs over, I won’t stay. I’ll tell Jim he only has me for two months.”
“Two months is forever. Why do you want to leave me and Mom at all?”
A few tears found their way down my cheek. The way his brain worked, betraying him every day, stealing away the earned years of his life, keeping him trapped as a child, he didn’t understand. And watching him, a grown man, falling apart like this, it was too much to take.
“I don’t want to leave. I told you that. It’s a work thing.” I held his face between the palms of my hands. “People travel for work all the time. I’m not leaving forever.”
“It’ll feel like forever,” he said. “You promise you’ll come home?”
“I swear it, Jay.”
We sat on the edge of my bed for a few minutes, giving each other time to breathe. If we walked into the kitchen a crying mess, Mom would want to know what happened. I had a feeling she’d start crying too, and I wasn’t prepared for her tears this early in the morning. After a while, Jason stood up and I followed his lead.
“Your eggs are probably cold,” he said.
“That’s okay, I’m not that hungry, besides we gotta leave for church anyhow.”
My mom had finished covering a large tray of biscuits with plastic wrap when we walked into the kitchen. “Jaxon, baby, will you get the honey from the pantry? I promised Pastor Thomas I’d bring something for the luncheon after the service.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And, Jay, grab a few of those paper fans I keep in the junk drawer. The A/C went out in the meeting house again.”
I grabbed the honey and set it on the counter. Rolling up my sleeves, I said, “Nothing better than sweating to death.”
Mom swatted my shoulder. “Jaxon… sweating is the least you can do for your Lord and Savior.” She tried to hide her smirk and failed.
“I think God would want us to be comfortable,” I teased.
“Hm-mm. You’re lucky I love you so much, joking about the Lord like that…” She wrapped her arm around my waist, and I pulled her into a hug.
“Sorry, Momma, I’m just playing.”
She patted my chest. “I know you hate mornings as much as I hate Ms. Arlene’s mustard greens. I’ll give you a pass this one time. Now hurry up, or we’re gonna be late.”
I took the tray of biscuits and honey out to the car and set them in the back seat next to Jason. Mom handed me the keys as I shut the door. “You drive, you’re faster. But not too fast, I don’t wanna have a heart attack.”
“Fast, but not too fast. Got it.” Grinning at her scowl, I slid into the driver seat.
We kept the radio off on Sundays. Mom used to say too much noise made it hard to hear the Lord’s voice. I cranked up the A/C instead as I pulled onto the main highway, hoping to absorb some of the cold air before we got to the meeting house.
Mom made a show of shivering. “You’re gonna freeze me out.”
“You’ll thank me for it later.”
She hummed again under her breath as she dug through her purse for something. She pulled out a tissue, lowered the visor mirror, and wiped away the pink lipstick she had on.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I hate this color on me, it makes me look old.”
“You look nice,” I said, and she lifted the visor, ignoring me.
After a minute, she said out of nowhere, “I invited Ethan to the service today.”
“Why?”
“Why not?”
“Ethan doesn’t like church,” Jason said.
I flicked my gaze to the rearview mirror.
“I’m sure that’s not true,” Mom said, twisting in her seat to look at Jason. “What would make you say such a thing?”
He shrugged. “Just something he said, I guess.”
I clutched the steering wheel. Did Jason know about Ethan?
“What did he say?” Mom pressed.
“Nothing really.” He squirmed, and I could tell he was worried he’d said something wrong.
“Momma, leave it, it isn’t our business,” I said.
“Isn’t it? If he’s hanging around my sons.”
“He didn’t say nothing bad, Momma,” Jason said. “When we were fishing, I told him I thought it was smart that God made fish with gills so they don’t drown, and he said he thought God had made him wrong.”
“He said that?” I asked, the ache in my chest unbearable.
“Yeah.”
Mom finally turned back into her seat. “It makes me sad he feels that way. God made each of his children just as they should be.”
“You mean that?” I asked, trying not to hope too much.
“Yes.” She looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “Of course, I do.”
Everything I’d been afraid of all these years raced through my mind. Did she even know what she’d said? Our church taught us that being gay was a choice—a sin. I wanted to ask her if God had given us that choice, if my love for Wild had been a part of His plan? Or was it my suffering He wanted?
“Jaxon, slow down or you’re gonna miss the turn.”
I let my foot off the gas, feeling heavy as we rounded the corner and pulled into the parking lot.
“Well, look who’s here,” she said with a hint of I-told-you-so.
Ethan leaned against the hood of his car in gray slacks and a pale blue button-down that fit like he’d had it tailored. I might not have recognized him if Mom hadn’t pointed him out. I parked in the spot next to his and he smiled at me as we all got out of the car.
“Morning,” he said, and I swear to God my mom blushed.
She patted him on the shoulder. “Glad you could make it.”
“It’s been awhile,” he admitted.
“That’s okay… isn’t it, Jax?”
“I’m not the best about my attendance either,” I said.
Jason handed my mom the fans she’d wanted him to bring.
“Thanks, honey.”
“What about the biscuits?” I asked.
“Just leave them in the car, we can get them after the service.” She laced her fingers through Jason’s. “Let’s head in before there’s no seats left.”
Ethan and I followed behind, until Mom and Jason disappeared behind the church doors.
“You didn’t have to come today,” I said.