With the sun setting, the air had cooled enough I got goosebumps as I stepped out of the water. I could hear Ethan behind me, but I didn’t look at him or Jason. Afraid of what my eyes might reveal. I grabbed my towel and dried myself off in silence, annoyed at Ethan for thinking he could touch me like that. Especially in front of the whole goddamn world, but mostly I was irritated with myself. My body betrayed me when I was around him. He pushed my boundaries, but I needed him to be a friend, a space where I could be myself without overthinking it.
“I got the buckets,” Jason said, and I turned to look at him.
Jay stared at me, no judgment in his eyes, and I wondered if he even realized what he’d seen. “I’ll get the blanket,” I said. “Ethan, do you mind grabbing the shovels?”
“Sure thing,” he said, not meeting my eyes.
I’d made it weird, and the uneasy silence followed us all the way back to my house. When we pulled up, Ethan was the first to get out of the car, slamming the door behind him.
“Jay, why don’t you head on inside, alright. I’ll be right in.”
“Is Ethan mad?”
“Nah. Just head on in, buddy. I’ll get everything.”
I cut the engine as Jason made his way to the front door. He waved at Ethan, and I was glad he gave my brother a smile. Jay didn’t deserve to get caught up in my business. With Jason inside, I walked over to Ethan’s Toyota. His shoulders were hard set, his arms crossed over his chest.
Before I could say anything, he said, “You run hot and cold, you know that?”
“I’m sorry… I got spooked. Jason was watching us.”
“He was?”
“That’s the thing, Ethan. Anyone could’ve been watching us. Friends don’t touch each other like that.” I lowered my voice. “At least not around here they don’t.”
Frustrated, he cut a hand through his damp hair. “Shit… I shouldn’t have done that… I shouldn’t have touched you… I’m sorry.” His shoulders relaxed. “I like you, Jax… I like being around you.”
He took a step toward me, glancing at the front door, he stopped, leaving a few feet between us. I liked him too, but it wasn’t enough to pull me out of the closet, and it sure as hell wasn’t enough to pull me away from Wild. I didn’t want to lead him on or give him anymore mixed signals. I’d trusted him with the truth about who I was, but he didn’t know about Wild, maybe if he did, he’d understand my hesitancy had nothing to do with him.
“There’s something I didn’t tell you the other day… that guy I mentioned—”
“The one from Eastchester?”
“Yeah… he lives in Atlanta.”
“Oh.” His posture deflated.
“I messed up. Did some things I need to make up for. This trip to Marietta… if I have a chance to set things right—”
“You should take it.” A small smile lifted his lips. “If it’s what you want, Jax, you should do it.”
“I don’t know if he’ll even want to talk to me, but I gotta try. I think this is the last thing I’ve been holding on to.”
He furrowed his brow. “You think setting things right with this guy will make it easier for you to come out?”
“I don’t know. Maybe?” I could tell Ethan wanted to say something but held it back. “What? You don’t think it will?”
“I think you had a panic attack today because you thought I’d accidentally outed you when I touched you. I think you’re putting a lot of weight on this guy’s shoulders.” He sighed and lowered his gaze. “You’re the only one who will know when you’re ready, Jax. If you want things to work out with this guy, you’ll have to trust yourself.”
“I’m working on it,” I said. “Having you to talk to has helped a lot. Knowing you went through this too, and came out unscathed…”
“I definitely have some bumps and bruises.” He gave me a lopsided grin. “But yeah, I survived, and I know you will too.”
“I’m sorry if I led you on.”
He held up his hands. “I might’ve been hoping for more... but that’s on me.”
The front door opened, and my mom stepped out onto the porch. “You boys gonna stay out here all night?”
“No, ma’am,” Ethan said with a chuckle.
“Good. I got a pot of dumplings waiting on you. Hurry up, before Jason eats them all.”
“I guess I’m staying for dinner,” Ethan said as my mom shut the door. “That alright with you?” I nodded and he bumped his shoulder into mine. “Good, I was gonna stay whether you liked it or not.”
“We’re good, then?”
“Yeah.” He glanced at the door before tugging at my hand with his. “We’re good.”
My eight-o’clock alarm went off, the annoying buzzer piercing through my sleep-addled brain. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I’d never considered myself a morning person, always reluctant to get out of bed, wishing for fifteen more minutes. I worked hard every day, and it didn’t matter what time I went to bed, it was never early enough. But Sunday mornings, I hated those the most. Every Sunday I had to fight myself to get dressed, to put on a tie, to smile like I didn’t think I was going to hell the minute I stepped into Bell River Church. Some Sundays I’d skip it, but today was the last Sunday before I left for Georgia, if I didn’t attend, my momma would be madder than a wet hen. I’d never hear the end of it.
I could smell bacon cooking as I made my way to the bathroom for a shower. I went through my morning routine on autopilot. My head already in Georgia. After talking with Ethan last night, what he’d said about me depending on Wild, I was nervous all over again. Nervous I’d put too much hope in the idea of Wild. It’d been nine years. How much had he changed? What if he didn’t want me like that anymore? It had been almost a month since we’d been on good terms. A lot could happen in a month. I thought about the kiss I shared with Ethan and regretted it instantly. What if Wild had found somebody else?
“Hurry up, eggs are getting cold,” Jason yelled from the other side of the bathroom door.
I shut off the shower faucet and grabbed a towel. “Give me five minutes,” I hollered when he started knocking again.
Living in this house, sometimes it was like I was sixteen all over again. Even though I had to share a place with Hudson in Marietta, I looked forward to the privacy. I ran the towel through my hair and wrapped it around my waist. Once I was in my room, I dug through my closet, looking for the least wrinkled long sleeve I could find. I settled on a dark blue button-up. Finishing up, I straightened my tie as Jason pushed open my bedroom door.
“Geez, Jay, what’ve I told you about knocking first? What if I wasn’t dressed?”
He plopped down on my bed. “You lock the door when you don’t want me to see what you’re doing. The door wasn’t locked.”
I laughed, watching him in the mirror as I adjusted the knot of my tie again for the third time. “It’s called privacy, Jay. I’m not hiding anything.”
He shrugged. “Then why lock the door?”