“I’m sorry…” I pressed the heel of my hands against my forehead… Overwhelmed, I didn’t know what to do. “Shit.”
“Is everything okay?”
My nostrils flared as I swallowed through the burn in my throat. “I… I don’t know. Jason was hysterical. I couldn’t understand what the hell he was saying.”
“Did Ethan leave a message too?”
Wild held my hand, his thumb rubbing small circles into my palm. I needed his touch more than ever as everything, my life, started to fall down around me.
“All he said was my mom found out he’s gay and that some shit went down, and I needed to call him as soon as fucking possible.” Wild’s thumb froze against my skin. “Can we go… I need to call my brother.”
“Give me a second,” he said, and brushed his lips against mine. “Let me pay our bill.”
Wild let go of my hand and walked back into the restaurant, and even with the sun high in the sky, I was cold. I didn’t have enough space in my head right now to worry about what June or Gwen thought about me, or how I’d acted like I’d lost my mind. All I wanted to do was call Jason, but not here on the sidewalk where everyone who passed by could watch as my world was decimated. How did my mom find out about Ethan? Did she know about me? How upset was she? Why was Jason crying like someone had died? These questions looped around my neck and strangled me as I waited for Wild. After a few minutes he was back by my side. His hand in mine made the panic in my chest less painful as we walked to the car.
“At least call Ethan,” he said as we backed out of the parking stall. “That way you know the whole story before you talk to Jason.”
“That’s a good idea.”
I opened up my recent calls and pressed my thumb on Ethan’s name. The phone rang almost four times before he picked up.
“Jax… Shit… I’m sorry, man.”
“Sorry for what?” I couldn’t breathe. “Did she find out that I’m…”
“No… just me.”
Relief exhaled from my lungs. I still had a chance to tell her myself.
“Jason left me a message, crying, but I couldn’t understand him. What the hell happened?”
“Listen…” He sighed. “Your mom… I don’t think she’s a bad person, alright?”
“Tell me what that means, Ethan.”
Wild placed a comforting hand on my leg as my body started to shake.
“I went on a date with this guy I met online Thursday. I guess someone saw us kissing. They recognized me because of all the time I’ve been spending with Jay. They told your mom while we were on our way back from camping this morning. I’m so sorry, Jaxon. I should’ve been more careful.”
“Don’t be sorry.” I sank back into the passenger seat and pinched the bridge of my nose. Wild gave me an anxious look as we pulled into his driveway. “Who you kiss is your own damn business.”
“Not according to your mom,” he said, the underlying anger in his voice rising to the surface. “When we got back today… it was bad, Jax. Your momma was fit to be tied. I don’t think I can repeat some of the things she said to me, but it’s safe to say I’m no longer welcome in your life or Jason’s.”
“What?”
All the things I’d hope for shattered.
“It is what it is,” he said. “I don’t know if you can, but I think you need to come home. Jason is a mess, and he doesn’t understand what’s going on.”
“I’ll head back today.” I wiped my palm over my face. “I’ll tell Jim I have a family emergency. He’ll understand.”
“The way she feels about me has nothing to do with you. I’m not her son… she has no reason not to hate me. But she loves you, Jax.”
“Yeah.” The ache in my throat was unbearable. “I need to call Jason.”
“Let me know when you’re back?” he asked.
“I’ll text you when I get into town. And I’m sorry she treated you like that.”
“Like I said… it is what it is. I just want to make sure Jason’s alright.”
I ended the call after I promised to give him an update on Jason as soon as I had one. With the phone in my lap, I dropped my face into my hands and broke down. These past few weeks I’d allowed myself to hope. Allowed myself to imagine a life with Wild and my family. Together. I didn’t want to choose between living a life with the man I loved or living a lie with my family alone.
Happiness or guilt.
Love or obligation.
I was torn down and suffocating.
Wild whispered my name, the weight of his palm on my back a reminder of how much I had to lose.
“Tell me what to do for you.” I lifted my head, and the fear in his eyes almost crippled me. “What can I do?”
He brushed a thumb over my cheek, and I leaned into his hand. “My mom told Ethan he’s no longer welcome in our lives because he’s gay.”
“Jax…”
“I have to go home, Wild. I have to try and fix this.”
He lowered his hand to his lap and stared out the driver-side window. “How do you think you’re going to fix it?”
“I don’t know… maybe I can talk some sense into her.”
He didn’t look at me. “Maybe.”
“Wild…” I lifted his hand from his lap. “This doesn’t change anything.” Once I’d said it, I could feel the truth in the words.
This wasn’t the way I wanted to come out to my family, but maybe with some time, while Wild was on his book tour, I could figure out a way to get through to her, help her see that Ethan hadn’t changed just because he was gay. He was the same great guy who loved Jason like his own brother. If she could see that, then maybe she’d accept me too. Maybe she’d look at me and see her son and not a stranger.
“Let’s go inside.” Wild let go of my hand and opened his door. “You should call your brother, let him know you’re coming home.”
We made our way up the walkway and into the house, Wild’s silence a wall between us. He was in his head. I wanted to know what he was thinking, if he was here in the present, worried like me about what to do next, or was he back in Eastchester, worried about whether or not I would hurt him again. He set the keys on the coffee table as I let Rosie out back. When I turned around, his back was to me, his hands gripping the kitchen counter, his shoulders tight.
“You have every reason not to believe me… but I promise you, Wild.” I slid my arms around his waist, and he leaned into me. “I’m not gonna vanish when I go back to Bell River.”
“Okay,” he said, but the doubt was there in the way his heart raced under my hand as I placed it on his chest. “It’s not ideal, but maybe this is the thing you needed… to force you to tell her who you really are.”
“I’m gonna tell her… I just need to see what kind of mess I’m walking into first.”
Wild faced me, chest to chest, his eyes met mine. “And if she throws you out? What then?”
The thought turned my veins to ice. The terror in Jason’s voice as he’d left me that message, he’d come to depend on Ethan, losing me would destroy him.