The phone rang, and sure enough, his name flashed on the screen like a punch to the gut. My hand hovered over the phone, my fingers unsteady as my heart warned me with a pulse that stuttered and jumped. Tears gathered along my lashes, and as I blinked, they escaped down my cheeks. When the phone went silent, I exhaled, and tried to rub away the tingling sensation in my palms on my jeans.
“Shit,” I shouted, irritated with myself.
Gandalf crawled out from under the bed, most likely to see what the hell I was going on about. He hopped onto the mattress, sat on top of my suitcase, and butted his head into my hand until I scratched him under his chin. Purring, he stalked over to Jax’s pillow and made himself comfortable. But it wasn’t Jax’s pillow, not anymore. I picked up my phone with the intention of deleting his text like I had at least hundred times this week, but that feeling in my fingertips returned. Sharp, like when I’d slept on my arm, or sat funny for too long, and all the blood rushed to the nerve endings. The text was a bomb. Cut the blue wire and delete it or cut the red wire and destroy my heart again. The doorbell rang and I didn’t get a chance to decide.
June had persuaded me to let her come over tonight. She said she would help me pack, and that she wanted to hang out one last time before I left. But I figured this little visit was more of a welfare check than a friendly farewell. By the time I made it downstairs, she’d started to knock. The woman had zero patience.
“Why are you so annoying?” I asked as I opened the door.
She gave me a saccharine grin.
“Well, hello to you, too,” she said, pushing her way past me. “It’s nice of you to come check on me, June.”
“Thank you for coming over,” I said in the most robotic voice I could muster. “I don’t know how I would have ever survived without your immense greatness.”
She shoved my shoulder and tossed her purse onto my couch. “I mean… it’s true though.”
“Want a glass of wine?” I asked. “I’m having two.”
“So it’s gonna be that kind of night...” she said. “In that case, don’t be stingy, make it a big glass.”
“White or red?”
“Red.”
I grabbed the largest wine goblets I could find and filled them almost to the top. June laughed as I handed her a glass.
“You weren’t playing,” she said and carefully brought it to her lips.
Curling a leg underneath me, I sat on the other side of the couch. “You’re late… I finished packing already.”
“That was fast,” she said. “How many suitcases?”
“Three.”
She stared at me like I had two heads.
“Wow… how minimalist of you.”
“I know… I figured I couldn’t shove Gandalf in there, so why bother taking much of anything else. Thanks for watching him while I’m gone.”
“He’s basically mine anyway.”
I took a large gulp of wine, draining half the glass.
“Are you nervous about the flight? Or are you trying to get alcohol poisoning.”
“This weather isn’t exactly the best for air travel.”
“They said it’s supposed to let up some by morning… They take off during storms all the time.” I avoided her eyes and took another long sip. “It’s gonna be fine.”
“I’m nervous about a lot of things, I guess.”
She waited for me to elaborate, and when I didn’t, she asked, “Are you still avoiding him?”
“If deleting all of his texts and not answering any of his calls means I’m avoiding him… then yes, definitely.”
“Wilder,” she said in a tone that made me feel like I was five years old. “You just love to create your own drama, don’t you?”
“Excuse me? I’m not the one who left… again.”
“What if he told his mom and he wanted you to know? What if something bad has happened? What if he wants to tell you he’s sorry, that he wants to come back, but won’t because he doesn’t know how you feel.”
I barked out an annoyed laugh. “He knows how I feel.”
She narrowed her eyes. “He does? How? You won’t talk to the man. He told you he was coming back, didn’t he?”
“That’s what he said last time.”
“This isn’t like the last time. He’s trying to talk to you, he’s not MIA.”
Angry, I stood and grabbed my glass, finishing it in one swallow.
“Sit down, Wilder, I didn’t come over here to argue.”
I sat down, setting the empty glass on the table.
“Why can’t you stay out of my business?”
June’s face fell.
“Because you can’t seem to get out of your own goddamn way. I know you have trust issues and abandonment triggers. Your parents, for example… people who were supposed to love you unconditionally, abandoned you. You act like it didn’t affect you when they cut you off, and that’s bullshit.” Truth infiltrated the air, stealing my breath. “This isn’t just about Jax. That man loves you and you know it. It’s all over his face when he looks at you.”
“He loved me back at Eastchester too,” I said, an attempt to protect the fragile shield I walked around with every day.
I wouldn’t let my parents’ choice define me.
“I’d like to remind you that you said you’d forgiven him for that.”
“I have.”
June hummed as she took a drink.
“Maybe I haven’t entirely forgiven him but—”
“You didn’t give him a chance to prove you wrong… You’re protecting your fragile, dark, little heart. Hurt him before he hurts you.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I get it. It’s called self-preservation.”
“Did you get a therapy degree in the time since I saw you last?” I asked, unable to contain my smirk. “Or is the hospital practicing mindfulness again?”
“You’re an asshole, I don’t know why I even bother,” she said, but I saw the smile in her eyes.
I pulled my phone from my pocket, and without thinking about it too much I threw it into her lap. Anxious, I said, “You think you know him so well, read the text he sent me tonight. I haven’t opened it yet. Maybe with you here I won’t have a nervous breakdown when he tells me we’re over for good.”
She picked up the phone and rolled her eyes. “You’re dramatic as hell.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
She ignored me, her attention on the screen of the phone. I watched her face for some kind of hint, my stomach and heart fighting their way up my throat. But her expression gave away nothing.
“It doesn’t say much,” she said and dropped it into her lap.
I stared at her. “What the hell did it say?”
“Read it yourself, Wilder.”
Groaning, I snatched the phone from her lap.
Jax: Wanted to tell you good night.
Jesus Christ.
I heard his voice in my head, saw his green eyes watching me, nose to nose, with our heads on those damn bedroom pillows, and like someone had opened up a flood gate, I started to cry. Soundlessly, June moved across the couch and pulled me into a hug.