“Just call him.”
“I can’t.” I pulled away and wiped the back of my hand across my face. “If he tells me it’s over for real, June, I’ll never be able to get on that plane tomorrow.”
“You don’t text a person to say good night if you’re about to break their heart,” she said.
“Jax would. He’s polite like that.” We both laughed, the giant glass of wine I’d downed started to make my head dizzy.
“Just sleep on it, call him in the morning.”
“Maybe I will,” I said, knowing damn well it was a lie.
Rain poured down the windows of the airport. Every seat at the gate appeared to be taken, the room crammed with travelers and kids screaming. It smelled like stale hot dogs, the air overly warm and sticky with humidity. Instead of trying to find a seat, I leaned against the wall. Thanks to the bottle of wine I’d finished off with June last night, my head pounded. I shifted my bag and rummaged through it, checking for the tenth time that I had my wallet and ticket. I don’t know why I thought I’d lost it on the way from security to the gate, but the Atlanta airport had a funny way of turning even the calmest person into a total nervous wreck. A toddler bumped into my leg, and his mother gave me a tired smile that made me feel less stressed than I had a few seconds before.
My assistant had made sure everything was in order. I had a first-class ticket. My books had been shipped to all the stores. He’d updated my calendar with my Ft. Lauderdale signing. There shouldn’t be anything for me to worry about. All I had to do was show up. I should be excited, this was what I’d always dreamed about. But instead, like the sky outside, the storm inside me raged on. I hadn’t received any correspondence from Jax this morning. He usually texted me around eight every day, but it was after ten and nothing had come through. I could hear June’s voice in my head, chastising me. Telling me I’d better call him before he gave up on us. The logical side of my brain said she was right. I should call him, hash things out. If it was over, then at least I had closure. And if it wasn’t over—I couldn’t let the idea take root. I’d learned from Jaxon himself how dangerous it was to hope for shit.
Wanting to be numb, I pulled my phone from my pocket, and launched a gaming app. I’m not sure how long I zoned out, but eventually the intercom overhead snapped on and they announced that boarding would begin in fifteen minutes. When I shut the app, I saw I had an email notification. Not thinking about it, I opened the email and almost dropped my phone when I read the subject line.
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Oct 4 11:06 AM
SUBJECT: I told my mom
Wild,
I told my mom. I told her the day I got home. She knows about you, knows I’m in love with you. Coming out didn’t go as terrible as I thought it would, but it isn’t perfect. She’s not ready for pride parades or anything like that. To be honest, she hasn’t said much to me. It’s different now. The space she’s put up between us, maybe she needs it. I feel like a stranger in my own house. But I guess this isn’t my house anymore. My home is with you, Wild. I want to talk to you, hear your voice. I didn’t want to tell you like this, but since you won’t answer your phone, I wanted to make sure you knew what happened. I kept my promise. I’m coming back to you. I can’t leave today, there’s still too much going on. But I might be able to come up on Monday. See you before you leave for Miami.
I love you,
Jax~
I read the message through bleary eyes, sobbing in the middle of the airport terminal. He’d done this big, amazingly brave thing and had gone through it all alone.
I feel like a stranger in my own house.
I’d abandoned him.
I was too worried about protecting myself and I turned my back on him when he needed me the most.
A couple of flight attendants, and who I assumed was the pilot, walked past me and through the gate door. I swore, hating myself enough for both me and Jax. One, for booking another tour date, and two, for being a stubborn, selfish asshole who couldn’t pick up a fucking phone. With shaky hands, I scrolled through my contacts and called him. The phone rang a few times, and when he didn’t pick up right away, my stomach tied into a million knots.
It rang and rang until finally he answered, “I didn’t think you’d call.”
His voice was honey. Warm and thick.
“I’m sorry,” I said through a gulp of air. “I’m such an idiot.”
“I know why you shut me out, doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.” He sighed. “I want to be mad at you, Wild. I want to call you out for not trusting me like you said you would. I can’t keep trying to atone for the past.”
“You should be furious with me.”
“My whole life has been a fight. I’m tired of it. I just want to be happy.”
“You deserve all the happiness, Jax. All of it.”
An announcement aired over the intercom, the lady’s voice too mumbled to understand.
“Where are you?”
“The airport,” I said, wishing I was home, waiting for him.
“I thought you didn’t leave till Wednesday,”
“Anders asked me if I’d go to Ft. Lauderdale and I agreed. I didn’t know—”
“You’re going to Ft. Lauderdale with Anders?” he asked, his voice rough and worn.
“No… Jesus… for a signing, he’s not with me.” I heard him exhale through the phone. “I swapped my Tallahassee stop with Ft. Lauderdale. I missed you so much, Jax. I couldn’t sit around that condo anymore.”
“I miss you more than you’ll ever know.”
“Are you okay…” I asked. “With everything… with your mom, I mean?”
“It’s rocky… but I think she’s gonna be okay. She’s got a lot to figure out,” he said. “At least she’s letting Jason hang out with Ethan again.”
“That’s a good sign.”
“Yeah… he’s way more forgiving than I would’ve been.”
I wanted to ask him what had happened, and if she’d said anything to hurt him. I wanted to know how it all transpired, how he’d finally come out to his family and changed his life. I wanted to know if we were okay, but just like always, time was not on my side.
“They’re going to board the plane soon,” I said. “Will you go back to Marietta?”
“Jim had to replace me, couldn’t have me out this long without screwing up the schedule. I’m gonna start on a new project here until I can find a job in Marietta or Atlanta. Jim said he’d put in a good word for me if I found something. I’ve been looking every day.”
“You have?”
“When are you gonna start believing me?” he asked. “I’m done waiting, Wild. I’m coming home as soon as I can.”
“You’re my home, too,” I said, the rasp in my voice gave away how close I was to breaking down. “I wish I didn’t have to leave. I’m pissed that I wasted time being an asshole.”