At first, Carly seemed content to sit in silence, which I was grateful for. Yet, I found myself reaching for her every chance I got. We drove those first few kilometers in silence, hands clasped, eyes forward. I was happy she had agreed to come in my car and leave hers back at my place. I had asked Aaron to park it in the garage underground. Not that I was afraid anyone would steal the old thing.
“You thinking about your mom?” Carly asked, jolting me out of my head.
“Uh, I guess.” I answered. It was a weak answer. I was embarrassed. I hadn’t been. Maybe I didn’t even want to.
“You know…” Carly began, “When my dad passed and they called to tell me…” She looked right at me. I must have just had a blank stare because she kept on going.
“It was a very surreal experience, and please, I don’t mean to compare mine to anything that you’re going through right now. I get that it’s different.” Her voice sped up and we glanced at each other, her eyes filled with concern.
I nodded… Unable to trust the lump in my throat, I found myself being taken aback at my level of emotion around Carly. I had never been someone who wore their emotions on their sleeve. But with her, everything was different. My reactions, my feelings, everything. I just wanted her next to me because without her, I could feel all my walls crashing in. I needed her there for support.
She continued on about her family and how Christy in particular had pushed for a quick funeral despite Carly being in New Zealand. “You know…” She mused. “Now that all this shit has come out about the will and my dad’s stupid inheritance clause…I feel like Christy knew all this before and was maybe trying to turn things in her direction. I’m having this uncanny feeling that she never wanted me at the funeral. She wanted to take care of everything and be the only one people saw as the good daughter, the deserving daughter.”
Silence filled the car as we stole glances at each through pain filled eyes. I used to see others in these types of situations and not feel, not understand. But now I did. Death changes people. It’s just easier to bear when you have someone you can lean on.
The car ride lasted for what felt like all of two minutes. There wasn’t an awkward moment between us, which was almost uncanny after not even speaking for over ten years. By the time we pulled up at the farm, Carly and I had reached a new level of closeness. The night before had been about scratching an itch for both of us and helping her to forget an evening of frustration and anger. But this…this was different. Unlike anything I had ever felt before. And I was fully aware of how I didn’t want it to end.
“And we’re here.” I announced.
“Yeah… is, is… that you’re dad?” Carly asked, squinting into the late day sunlight.
Shit. Yeah, it was my dad. Out in the garden, my mother’s rose garden. Fiddling with them. My mom would have killed him.
“I don’t think he’s ever done that. Probably doesn’t even know what he’s doing…” The sight of him messing with my mother’s prized rose bushes ripped a new hole in my chest.
Carly squeezed my hand as I parked the car. The she leaned over and kissed me gently on the cheek. “We got this.”
“We?”
She smiled. “Yeah, we.”
Chapter 25
CARLY
Back at the farm, we were hit with a tsunami of emotion. Sue’s presence was a constant and we all felt it. That afternoon, I kept busy cleaning, cooking, and attempting to garden so that Matt and Dave could spend time together and work out their plans. As I moved around Sue’s kitchen, images of Thanksgiving dinner filled my head. Washing dishes and dancing by the kitchen sink suddenly seemed like a dream. A dream that I desperately wanted to relive. It had only been one night, but she made me feel like we could have been great friends. I remembered, or maybe just imagined, what it was like to have a mother. Mine had been gone so long that she seemed like a distant childhood memory, barely lingering in the corners of my mind and dredging up feelings that had long been buried.
I was happy to be there for Matt and support him, but I would have been lying if I had said that the sleeping arrangements weren’t nagging at the back of my mind. Had we stayed at Matt’s apartment, I could have had the guest room or even the couch. But here…everything was different. His step-dad thought we were engaged and I was here to help keep the charade going. That meant staying in the same room as Matt. Worry pinched the corners of my eyes and between my forehead uncomfortably. I tried to maintain a calm demeanor, but not knowing how the evening would play out was driving me crazy. Despite the previous evening, staying in the friend zone was the plan and I knew it was the right one. Matt and I only shared the past. Our lives were headed in very different directions and this was one final way to end amicably. Now if only I could tell my body otherwise.
“Thank you for dinner, Carly.” Dave came up behind me and patted my shoulder. “Vegetarian was never my thing, but you’re a pretty good cook.”
“Thanks, Dave, I’ll cook for you anytime.” I smiled. It felt good to have helped, even if it was only in a small, insignificant way.
Dave nodded, his gaze focused out the window to the fields. “I’d help you clean up, but I think it’s best for me to go to bed now. I’m just…” He trailed off.
I didn’t even know Dave all that well, but his grief was real and it was written all over his face. “Of course, Dave. You go take care of yourself and I’ll take care of everything here.”
Watching for a moment as he shuffled down the hall, a pang of sadness hit me. Under any circumstances, losing a loved one is brutal. But when it’s fast and so unexpected…I wasn’t sure how anyone could get through it. I turned back to focus on the dishes when I heard Dave’s voice again.
“You know… she really liked you, Carly. Even after one dinner together. She said she thought you were perfect for her Matthew.”
I turned to see him wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. “Thank you.” I whispered, a lump forming in my throat. “She was a special woman, Dave, and from what I heard, she loved you deeply.”
“She had a lot of love to give.” He mumbled, turning back again.
Tears dripped down my eyes, wetting my cheeks and dropping into the soapy water with tiny ripples. My feet felt frozen in place and confusion wreaked havoc in my mind. It felt like hours before I moved.
Jolting me out of my frozen state, Matt came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. “What did you say to Dave, Carly?”
“What do you mean? We were just chatting.” I said tentatively, brushing my face with my elbow, trying to hide the leftover tears.
“Well, he just caught me in the hall and gave me the biggest bear hug imaginable. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. He told me that you remind him of my mother.”