“Are you sayin’ it’s my fault you came back here?” I laugh, and it rumbles from deep in my chest. “You were so fuckin’ insecure that you had to run back here? You couldn’t think for a fuckin’ second that maybe it was a busy time for me? Unlike you, I didn’t lie. Every goddamn word I spoke was the truth.”
“I’m sorry,” she wails.
My lip turns up in disgust. I can’t stand the sight of her. “I’m glad I found out now before I completely fell in love with you. I’m glad I wasted my time comin’ here to find out what you really are. You make me sick. This whole place makes me fuckin’ sick,” I spit out and storm away. Sliding into the back of Pudge’s car, I lay my head back against the seat. How could I have been stupid enough to believe I fell for this girl in Kansas who I didn’t even know? My heart shatters piece by piece as we drive out of the gate.
“Cody!” I yell and scream as I chase after Pudge’s car. Stopping at the gate, I drop to my knees and cover my face with my hands, rivers of tears streaming down my face.
An arm slides under my legs, and another lays against my back. “I got you, Shug,” Chayser says quietly against my ear. “I got you,” he repeats, scooping me off the ground and into his arms. Lying my head against his chest, I let him carry me as liquid keeps cascading down my cheeks. I cling to him while he carries me through the bar and into his room. He lays me down on his bed, and he climbs in beside me, pulling me into him, not saying a word. Holding me, he lets me cry until my eyes feel heavy, and I’m blanketed by the darkness.
My eyes drift open, I'm still lying in bed with Chayser. I was hoping it was all a bad nightmare, but it wasn’t. My mind replays the disgusted look on Cody’s face over and over again.
Chayer’s fingertips glide up and down my spine, and while I should be grateful to him for his comfort, Cody is all I can think about.
"You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, Shug. This life…it’s who you are, and no one should make you feel any less because of it." His tender voice rings in my ears.
I quickly sit up and stare down into his beautiful hazel eyes. "It's not who I am, Chayser, I want more. I’ve always wanted more, but I was too stupid to think I would actually get it."
Chayser has always been my comfort. He's what I know, my normal. Cody's exhilarating, he's heart-racing excitement, he's new and unpredictable. But that heart-racing unpredictable man proved that I’m stuck here unless I find a way out. Who am I kidding? I had my out, but I came back. Maybe I’ll never truly be free from the only life I’ve ever known.
His fingertips caress my cheek before pushing strands of my dark hair behind my ear. "Why can't this be what you want? Why can't I be the one to give you more?"
A gasp falls from my lips. "Chayser—"
His thumb presses against my lips to keep me from saying another word. "I love you, Shug. I'm in love with you and have been for a while."
I jerk away. "You don't love me," I argue in shock, my eyes wide. "You can't love me." My head moves from side to side, attempting to deny his confession.
He sits up, his palms cupping my cheeks. "Why? Why can't I?"
"Because..." I hesitate, but only for a second, "Almost every man in this clubhouse has been inside me. You would never be able to see past that. Cody couldn't, and neither will any other man unless I get the hell away from this city." I jump from his bed and storm out of the room.
His footsteps are pounding against the floor behind me, and his hand reaches out to grab my arm and spin me around to face him. “Stop fuckin’ running from me!”
“Let me go,” I seethe, my glare boring into his.
“I’m not letting you go until you listen. I’m in love with you, Shug, and you have no idea what I can and can’t see past. You don’t think it’s pissed me off every fuckin’ time you’ve gone into a room with someone else? But I stayed quiet until you finally told me you don’t want to be passed around. I put a stop to it. Why do you think none of the guys have been coming for you? I won’t say it’ll be easy, but goddamn it, give me a fuckin’ chance.”
“Look around, Chayser.” I wave my free hand around us. “All of them. Every single one of them. If I give you a chance, can you honestly say you wouldn’t see that every time you looked at them or me?”
His eyes take in every man in the room. “I’m willing to try.” His hands reach around to grip the back of my neck. “One chance, that’s all I’m asking.”
“Chayser,” I gasp as he moves in. His lips smash against mine. His tongue pushing along the seam of my lips, intruding into my mouth when I open a little. I can’t. Pulling away with all the strength I have, my hand moves with a fiery blaze and connects with his cheek. “Don’t ever do that again.” I stomp out of the clubhouse and suck in a deep breath.
I begin walking and don’t stop until I’m outside of the gate. Even though I’m mad as hell at Pudge, I have no one else to call. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I dial her number.
“Sonya?” I hear the worry in her tone.
A fresh set of tears trickle down my cheeks. “Can you come and get me?”
“I’m on my way. I’m sorry, Sonya. I just…I don’t…”
“I know, Pudge.” I end the call.
I keep trekking toward the highway until I finally see headlights.
“What happened?” she asks once I’m settled in her car, and we’re heading back into the city.
I stare out the window as I reply, “Chayser confessed his love for me, and he kissed me.”
Her head snaps to the right to look at me for a brief moment before returning back to the road. “Oh my God!”
“Yep. Did Cody leave?”
“Yeah, they left as soon as we got back to the apartment. It’s all my fault. I was mad that you had gone back to that place, and I’m sorry.”
I lay my head against the cool glass of the window. “I’m mad at myself. I thought he moved on because we hadn’t talked, and when Chayser came over, I was feeling lonely and missed him and everyone at the club. I’m stupid and confused.”
“Do you have feelings for Chayser?”
“No…maybe…I don’t know. I didn’t think I did.”
“What about Cody?”
My chest aches for Cody, and my stomach twists in knots, thinking about him and what he thinks of me now. “I fell for Cody, but now, I’ve lost him, and he’ll never forgive me.”
“He was pretty hurt, but you never know, Sonya.”
“What do I do, Pudge?”
“I can’t tell you that. You have to figure out where your heart lies on your own.”
She’s right. Do I try with a man who’s part of the world I’ve wanted to escape all my life, or do I take my chance and jump into the unknown?
I drive up the long winding path that leads to the barn and shut my truck off. Gripping the steering wheel, I drop my head to my hands and take a minute to simply breathe. I’m still reeling from what I found out yesterday about Sonya. A million thoughts run rampant in my head, and I have that nagging feeling, wondering how I could be so stupid. Reaching over to the passenger seat, I grab the twelve-pack of beer I bought from the liquor store and get out. The beer isn’t going to make me feel any better, but it’s sure as hell going to allow me to drown my sorrows for a little while.