She shrugged and blushed. Then she turned. Bingo. All at once, he knew. Yeah, and that made him laugh out loud. The first laughter in days. He bumped her with his hip and said, “That’s great. And totally unexpected. Good luck. You do understand where his head is at, right?”
She nodded. “Oh yeah, it’s not with me. But neither was yours…” She gave him a little eyebrow wag and a smirk. Yep, she was fine and God help Hunter. Maybe she could give Hunter something to distract him from the dumpster fire consuming his marriage and his life. At least, she was honest. And fun. There was no one more fun than Kyomi and Hunter could definitely use that.
So could he. But no one on the planet could cheer him up while a terrible disease was killing his mother, and therefore, his dad, his sister, and himself.
Chapter 15
ASHER WOULD NOT DO it. He refused to sit idly while his strong, fierce, amazing mother tried to say goodbye on her death bed. Nope. Never. How could he sit still for it? He already bolted out of the room twice when she attempted to say farewell. He didn’t regret it. It meant she was giving up.
He adamantly rejected the possibility she would not survive. She might still. He could never give up on Kate Reed. The woman could do and be anything if she set her mind to it.
“I’m sorry for all the things in the future that I won’t be there for to share and witness with you and Cami. Just… you know, for everything. Weddings. Jobs. A bad day. Whatever. All of it was important. That’s the only thing I truly regret. But we can’t alter the past. Just know this, Asher, I’ve lived the best life. I loved every moment of it, even this one. I hate to worry about what’ll happen to you guys… especially you, my son… God. I never thought I’d have kids, yet we made a family and filled this house with so much love. We—”
“No.” Asher jolted to his feet and pushed her hand to her chest—gently—as he stepped back from the bed. She was doing it again. “No, Mom. I cannot sit here saying goodbye to you forever so you can die in peace. No. Never. It will never be okay with me. Or… peaceful. What do you expect? Fuck that, Mom. And fuck cancer. And… and…”
“And fuck me for dying of it. I know. I really do. It’s okay. Always know that it’ll be okay with me. Whatever you feel you need to do. Be angry, sad, furious, vulnerable, whatever. I understand. And I know you so well. I’m the luckiest woman. That’s how I feel, and you can’t take that from me.” Then she smiled serenely.
Her voice was raspy, weak, and almost inaudible. His was loud, strong and abrasive. Still, Kate’s words had far more impact than his. As always. Her words stopped him in his tracks. The anger simmered into rage. He clenched his fist.
Lucky? Fuck lucky. How could she think she was lucky? There wasn’t anything lucky about it. It was clearly a tragedy. Unfair. Heartbreaking. Fucking terminal cancer. The sentence was too harsh. Cancer was beating her, the one evil Kate Reed could not control or overcome. She could not win this battle. And she thought she was lucky?
“Lucky. Yes. Lucky is how I feel. That AJ and Cami came into my life. Getting to meet and know my grandkids. And you too, Asher. Asher Reed. My only son.”
“I don’t want to do this any longer.” Asher finally found the strength to whisper the words. He wasn’t crying. No. He didn’t need to cry to make this real.
She moved her hand towards him, and he fell back on his knees beside the bed. He gently took her hand in his, being very careful with her. She was never so gentle.
Strong. Amazing. Capable. Kate was not weak, mild or vulnerable. “Okay. We won’t do this any longer.”
He wasn’t strong enough and Kate saw that. She patted his hand. “Daisy and you will need each other.”
He let her words emerge without pause. His gut, his heart and his brain ached but were receptive. She was advising him how to get through her death. How to survive it. To Asher, it felt completely unsurvivable. “She’ll go back to Chicago.” He couldn’t believe he indulged this stupid, awful, but true conversation.
“Someday maybe she won’t go back.”
“I can’t live for that.”
“No. But you will live. And I hope you will live it the way I want you to. You know that I’ll always be proud of you.”
He sniffled and his eyes filled with tears, but he squeezed them shut so hard, even the sockets contracted. “Not fair, Mom. You snuck in another stupid, fatalistic, final goodbye.”
“I did. So shoot me.” She shrugged and a rattling noise escaped her mouth. It was not really a laugh, but it took all the strength she had, and Asher assumed it was her best attempt at a laugh. Then her shoulders barely bounced up and down.
Unbelievably, at that moment, she almost made him smile.
“Tell me your next plan for the ranch…”
Her eyes were shut, and her skin seemed incredibly pale and paper-thin. His heart ached just to see her, but he started to talk.
“I think me and Violet might start performing in the horse shows again. We talked about it a few weeks ago. She came out to the ranch to see me, mostly about you,” he gave his mother a glance, her lips just barely lifted. “Anyway, she saw I had Wallace. She froze and glared at me, but when I explained how I had him and what a great horse he was, I think it helped her. You know to get closure or something. To let it go. That led us to talking about the arena horse shows. She asked why I didn’t do them anymore and I was honest and told her because of her. After witnessing what happened to her and Preston, it had been pretty low on my list to start working in the shows again. Even though they’ve gone on all this time. I hear Mack Baker took over leading them. Anyway, there’s that…”
He wasn’t sure why he’d told her all that. Other then the closure with and for Violet had helped him. He drifted on. Talking about nothing. Everything. It was just an ordinary conversation that might have arisen any other time he visited. Only this time, Kate lay on the bed, unmoving, and drifted off to sleep.
After a while, Asher rose to his feet, and his knees and legs were shaking. He leaned closer to her and realized something had shifted. She changed and he knew it. He couldn’t articulate it. He again postponed her morbid goodbye. Leaning down, he pressed his lips on her forehead for a profound moment.
He wanted to tell her she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Not because of her looks but because she saved him. She also healed him. She loved him unconditionally and taught him to do the same. She provided stability and care and a tender heart. She was a critical essence and one of the best people in his life. He kissed her forehead again and let the tears finally flow from his eyes. One fat tear dropped on her forehead.
She opened her eyes and whispered, “It’s okay, Asher. I know. I know everything now. And I love you. I love all of you.”
Then she didn’t talk anymore. Or open her eyes. She didn’t move. Asher knew he had to get his dad at once.
Now. This moment was precious.
He kissed her one more time then jolted free before racing to the stairway and screaming maniacally, hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Cami! COME NOW!”
Utter chaos ensued. Thumping. Steps groaning. Asher never turned to see what happened. He just re-entered her room. A moment later, his huge, hulking father stood beside her. Then AJ lay down next to her on the bed. When AJ started to speak, Asher left the room. He could not watch or listen. AJ rested his head on the same pillow, cradling her next to him, kissing her head and her face and whispering private things until tears rolled down his face, bathing it with grief.