Cami fell to her knees beside the bed and cried, whispering her own special words.
Asher should have gone to her. He should have tried to comfort Cami. He should have gone back to his mom. But he couldn’t and he backed up. HE COULD NOT stay there. He couldn’t listen and watch his family’s hearts breaking. Lacking strength, he retreated until his heel hit the stair. He almost fell down the entire staircase. Flipping around, he grabbed the banister.
He raced down the stairs and slammed the front door open. He wanted to howl as soon as he was free of that house. That terrible fucking house. He reached the porch and dashed past the horses and pastures, the trees and outbuildings and all the trappings of the life his parents built together over thirty-seven years.
All of that was about to end in one moment.
He ran and ran. The tears streamed from his eyes. He didn’t feel them or his legs or his hot, pumping blood. He ran up the hillside, going back and forth on the switchbacks. He ran until his lungs nearly burst along with his heart and brain.
Don’t stop, he chanted to himself. Then to the world. Don’t stop. Don’t let it catch me. Don’t let it hurt me. I can’t… I just can’t… I can’t… How could he survive it? On and on he ran, the sweat streaming all over his body.
He stopped when he reached the top and stared down at his parents’ place. It looked small, like a pretty postcard from up there. His gaze shifted to the Rydells’ land across from it, and down to the river. That was where the orchard started. Daisy’s family home overlooked the river and stood beside the orchard. Always the backdrop to his family ranch.
But Kate Reed no longer existed. She was not there.
He fell on his butt, his breath heaving. He was hurting so much now. He just stayed like that, feeling numb. Nothing could motivate him. The sky started to change color. Kate must have died in the late afternoon.
When was it a good time to die? Morning? Noon? Maybe in the twilight? How can someone be alive in the morning and dead in the afternoon? It wasn’t right. The thoughts and images exhausted his brain. He sat there, weary, heaving in gasps of air but his eyes remained dry.
He sat there until the brilliant colors of the sunset faded, and the stars emerged one-by-one in the night sky. Pinpricks of heavenly light. Only the images were left, since the stars themselves blew up. They were visible but not really there. He was viewing their images after billions of years. Old images that seemed so real. So strange. Like lingering life.
Life.
His mother no longer shared this one.
The words seemed so inadequate.
He just stared down at the land. And the river. Asher spent a long time just watching the river. So long and winding. What now?
That was a good question. What would they do now?
“Asher?”
The voice startled him when it came from behind him. Who? Huh? Then he spotted a side-by-side ATV. Daisy must have driven up one of the roads and off trail to find him. He assumed someone saw him leave his parents’ house and take his manic dash up the mountain behind the ranch. Not that unusual. But rare. It wasn’t an easily scalable spot. No one ever climbed it because it was so barren, rocky, and brown. A few trees stood here and there. But it was not hiking or recreationally vehicle-friendly. As such, it provided a great, dramatic backdrop to their house.
“Go away.”
She didn’t leave, of course, but simply sat beside him.
About an hour passed and the full darkness surrounded them. “Go home, Daisy.”
“No. I’m fine,” she answered. More staring out at the dark. How long did they sit there? At least she had a coat on to keep the chill off her. How much longer would she sit there with him? But then didn’t he know she would stay as long as he needed her.
Finally, he spoke, “She said her last words to me. I did not want that to happen.”
“I’m sure no one did.”
Daisy didn’t press him or try to soothe him. She just waited. He pulled his knees up and hooked his arms around them. “I wouldn’t let her tell me goodbye.”
“I doubt that surprised her. She knew you best of all.”
Knew. Past tense. He couldn’t stomach the sound of it. Like a bad taste left in his mouth that he wanted to spit out. His mother was gone.
Not here. Not in this world anymore.
“What happened?” Of course, he knew she died, but he was referring to his dad and sister. What do I… what do we do now?
“AJ called Jack. He went directly there. Erin called everyone else. Many of us were already at the house.”
“How did you know where I was?”
“I spotted you running near the top.”
“Why’d it take you so long to get here?”
“Thought you wanted to be alone. But then it got late… so I also wanted to check on you.”
“I’m not okay.”
Daisy snorted. “Of course, you’re fucking not. I just wanted to be with you because you aren’t okay. I’m not okay either, but I’m probably better off than you.”
He snorted. “Whatever that means.”
“Fuck all of this.”
His sentiments exactly. But that didn’t fill the aching hole in his chest. It didn’t stop it from burning deep inside all of his extremities. His heart had to be cauterized for it felt like it was hemorrhaging into his chest cavity. “I wish I could,” he finally said softly.
She nodded. “I know.” He glanced at her and saw the tears in her eyes and on her face. The moon gave just enough illumination for him to see her face in the darkness.
“I don’t know what to do now.”
She sighed. “Go back to the house.”
“When? Now?”
“Now? In the middle of the night. Tomorrow morning. Go back whenever you can. No one in this family expects you to do anything for a while.”
Silence descended in the space between them. “Is she—”
“No. The arrangements were made beforehand. The funeral home came and got her.”
He didn’t know that because he never asked. Asher actively avoided any discussions of after Kate’s death. By refusing to discuss it, he did not have to imagine the end of Kate Reed’s life. He couldn’t accept it before or now. Maybe not ever. But someone took the reins. “Who? Who made the arrangements?”
She smiled softly. “Kate did.”
Of course. There was nothing Kate could not face. He lifted his shoulders. “She wouldn’t be all huddled up on the mountainside by herself, acting all surly and mean to others who care about her, would she?”
“You ran to the top of a mountain because you had to. But no. And neither would she begrudge you for doing what you needed to do.”
“Dad? Cami?” He finally croaked out their names. He began thinking of their pain, how losing Kate hurt them just as much as himself.
“Crying. Sad. Commiserating. I don’t know. Catatonic but alive. Just like you. Except they’re still at home, sitting in the house instead of up here. You’re not alone, Asher. Really. You’re not. This is bad. And so sad. I can’t make you feel better. None of you. So—” She shrugged. “So here I am with all I’ve got.”
He sucked in air and snot. “I hurt a lot—it feels so bad.” Not exactly profound, but the only words he could find to begin to describe it. Every part of his body was ragged with raw emotions. His family needed him too. There were no words that could make it okay. Or tolerable. He wondered how to survive this very hour.