Waiting, I could barely breathe as he took a moment. I knew the memories were hitting him hard because I could see his fingers digging into his thighs. Shifting my hands, I hugged him with the hand that had been stroking his back and with my now free hand, I reached down to rest it over his. Lacing my fingers through his, I forced them to ease their grip as he found the words.
“I’d been looking at things like…things like BDSM online for a while. They’d never had that child protective software installed on my computer, so it wasn’t hard to find it. I never cared much for the darker stuff or even most of the regular domination porn online.” Every sentence got easier as he saw that I wasn’t surprised.
The internet put everything at your fingertips if you weren’t careful.
He’d always been a curious kid, so it was easy to see how a what does this mean kind of search led him down a rabbit hole. “I’m not into much of that either. I know other people are and that’s fine, but it’s not my preference.”
When he kept going, I realized my sharing must have given him another boost of confidence. “Well, I found a few things I was curious about after a while. I didn’t meet anyone online or anything like that because, yeah, well, I was underage and getting arrested wasn’t my idea of erotic.”
That had me chuckling. “I think that was a good idea.”
He giggled again and started stroking his fingers against mine. “Yeah, me too. But I did find stories online and watched videos. Stuff like that.”
“That’s very normal. Most people who find something interesting take a very similar path to discover their kink.” People always thought that everyone else was more vanilla than they really were. At some point, we were just going to have to admit that there was nothing wrong with being curious about a variety of things.
“Did you?” It took me a second to realize what he was asking.
I chuckled. “I’m ancient. I was a teenager before the internet. The encyclopedia at home didn’t have anything like BDSM in it. My first exposure to the lifestyle was in college. I had a roommate who was into being spanked. Now ask me how I know that.”
I could hear the smile in his voice. “How did you figure that out?”
“I walked in on him and his girlfriend. He was draped over her lap and she was going to town on his ass with a hairbrush. I was really green at that point and had no idea what was going on. He was a bit of an exhibitionist and my seeing them was too much for him, so he just came right then.” God, I’d been so embarrassed.
Joseph groaned. “Oh, that would be…”
“Yeah.” I chuckled. “Let’s just say I had no idea how to respond. We ignored each other for a week before his girlfriend stormed in and sat us both down to make us talk about it. I was able to ask questions and that opened the door for me. But figuring out what I liked about it was a slow process because most of the guys I was dating at the time weren’t into anything like that, and I had no idea how to bring it up.”
And since being the one on the receiving end of that hairbrush had never appealed to me, it hadn’t taken long to figure out that if I was the Dom then I should probably be the one to bring up the topic. Later I’d met a few outgoing subs who’d opened my eyes even more, but I couldn’t help thinking about how different my life would have been if there’d been information easily available.
“It’s good you had someone to talk to.” His support was so sweet, I squeezed his hand.
“Yeah, it made things easier. Did you have anyone to talk to?” I knew the answer before I’d even asked the question, but I had to be sure.
“No.” His pause was short, but it was heavy and filled with memories. “I could have found someone to talk to online, but I was still figuring things out. Explaining things to strangers was just…”
“Too much.” When he nodded at my response, I hugged him again. “That’s completely understandable.”
“I’m starting to wish I had, though. Maybe then when everything…” His voice trailed off and I could feel the strain in his muscles as the memories came rushing back. “He walked past the door when I was watching porn. He heard me and the video and suddenly he was screaming about me being a pervert. I had the door locked so he couldn’t get in, but it was bad.”
Stroking his hand, I held Joseph firmly against me as he spoke, finally letting the emotions out. “There were only weeks left until graduation. He hardly spoke to me and my mom just watched as everything unraveled.”
His breath hitched and he paused before forcing himself to keep going. “I don’t know what she thought because she never brought it up, but the day I graduated she was nowhere around. Another trip with her friends, I think, and he said I had two days to move out. He went to stay at a hotel, and said that when he got back, I needed to be gone.”
His voice was soft and steady, but I could feel his emotions as his body started to shake. “My car had always been in my name, so I packed that up with as much stuff as I could carry and tried to plan it out the best I could.”
He barked out a rough laugh. “I even cleaned out the pantry. I had a box in the back of the car that had all kinds of stuff in it I didn’t need to cook. That fed me for ages even if it was just stuff like peanut butter and tuna.”
I just couldn’t imagine what he’d gone through.
Leaving everything he’d ever known at the drop of a hat would’ve been more than most kids his age could’ve handled. “That sounds very smart.”
He shrugged, but his fingers started stroking mine again. “Thanks. I think I was mostly going on autopilot. I put my sheets and stuff in the back of my car so I could sleep in there. I should probably be grateful they didn’t buy an expensive sports car. Having a bigger sedan made it easier to hold everything.”
That was one bright side. “You did a great job.”
But what had his father heard?
“Joseph?”
He sighed like he knew what I was going to ask. “Yes?”
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I want you to know that right away. I will always respect your privacy if that’s what you want. But I’d like to know what kind of video you were watching. I’d like to be able to understand what made him react like that.” He didn’t respond to the request. The silence just made me feel worse about asking.
When he just continued to sit there, I hugged him tight again. “I promised you nothing will change and I meant that.”
If I thought keeping it in would be good for him I’d have just dropped it, but I could almost see the silence festering away at his soul. He needed to get it out.
Finally Joseph let out a long breath. It was filled with such strong emotion I didn’t know what to do but hold him tight. “The guys in the video were a committed couple.”
Was that supposed to make it better or worse?
“A lot of couples do porn together, especially if they’re already exploring things that are outside the box for the mainstream.” I’d never had any desire to have sex in front of a camera, but I’d met a lot of different people over the years, so I could understand why people did it.
“One guy was younger and his partner was older.” His voice was still steady, but he’d started to shake again. “The older partner was the Dom, but he was also…he was the younger guy’s…I mean…”