But now, part of me feels like I’m dying because the way he’s looking at me tells me everyone was wrong. He wasn’t in love with me. He was just enjoying the regular sex and the new friendship.
But my dumb ass went and fell in love.
“We aren’t in a relationship.”
“Yeah, I got that.” I sit back on the edge of my bed, not trusting my legs to hold me up.
“Why, Nolan?” He looks so damn lost as he sits next to me and part of me wants to punch him. The other part wants to hold him and tell him I know how hard this is.
“Why what?”
“Why did you say that?”
A deep sigh comes from me as I shake my head slowly, looking at the floor. “Because it’s the truth. I can’t take it anymore.”
“But you said yourself that you’re bad at relationships.”
“I am.” I force myself to look at him. “I’m terrible at them, but I still want it. I want it all. I want to live with someone, to share a bed with them every night and wake up to them. I want the fights and the makeups. I want to share my life with someone.”
“Me?” His face is so damn sad, and he looks genuinely confused.
“Maybe. I don’t know. I know I’m in love with you and I want to date you. I want a real relationship. I promised myself no more train wrecks and no more casual.”
He laughs, but there’s no joy in the sound. It’s self-deprecating and soul-crushing all at the same time. “And then, you got yourself into both.”
“You aren’t a wreck, and I don’t think this was ever casual.”
“Bullshit.” He sounds angry now, or maybe just frustrated as he hops off the bed. “You know everything. You know what I did to Heather. I’m the definition of a wreck.”
“You didn’t . . .” I start to defend him. But he flinches, and I stand up, trying to decide if I can handle touching him right now. Fuck it. I grab his face in my hands and make him look into my eyes. “You didn’t hurt her on purpose. I’m sorry about what happened to her, but it wasn’t your fault.”
“I killed her. I stole her fucking soul because I was a selfish asshole.”
I shake my head and hold his face in my hands. “No.”
“Yes.” He shoves me away, forcing me to release him. “You don’t love me. That’s fucking insane. It’s sex.”
“It’s not just sex.”
“Bullshit.” He looks so damn shattered, nearly gasping for air as he stands next to the door of my bedroom. “It is. We had such a good thing.”
“We still can.”
“How? You said you love me.”
“I do.” I’m not backing down anymore.
He shakes his head, his hand on his chest, and I see the panic in his eyes. “You shouldn’t. Forget that, okay? I’ll destroy you.”
“No. You won’t. I’m strong, Rafe.” I walk closer to him, placing my hand over his.
“I’ll break you. It’s what I do. I can’t do this.” He shakes his head. “Why didn’t you tell me you wanted a relationship?”
I flinch at that. The way he said it, it’s like he thinks I manipulated him. “I tried to push you away, remember? I didn’t want casual.”
“You didn’t say that though. I thought since I didn’t want a relationship and that you said you were bad at them, we were some kind of perfect match.”
I pull my hand back and scoff angrily. “Oh, I know. It nearly tore me apart every time you called me your friend. Knowing you didn’t want anything more with me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Because I knew it would end up like this. Because I wanted you more than I’ve wanted anyone in my life.
Now I’m struggling to breathe, and I can’t focus, feeling like my world is falling apart. “I thought we could take it slow.”
“And then what? You could trick me into being in a relationship?”
“I didn’t trick you into shit. We are in a relationship.” The words slip from my mouth, and his eyes go wider. It would be funny if it wasn’t so fucking sad, but again, I don’t back down. I can’t anymore. I need to be honest with him. “What do you think this was? We spent every free second together. We spent Christmas morning together with your kid and your aunt. We’re a goddamn couple, and you didn’t even know it because you had your head so far up your ass.”
“Fuck you.” His words are full of venom, and it shocks me for a second.
“Fuck me? Fuck you for making me fall for you with no intention of even trying. You’re a coward, Rafe, and that’s not something I saw coming.”
“I’m not a coward.” He glares at me but doesn’t move from the doorway.
“You’re scared to try this with me. What would you call it?”
He takes a step in my direction, the veins in his neck pulled tight with anger. “Realism. I’m not cut out for a relationship, and I told you that. I was fucking honest. Can you say that?”
“I didn’t trick you.” Did I? At least not on purpose.
“Bullshit. I was upfront. You lied.”
Shit. Shit. Shit. I hate that he’s kind of right. I hid my feelings from him, but it wasn’t malicious. “I didn’t want to scare you.”
“I’m a grown man. I could have handled it.”
“Like you’re handling it now?” Sarcasm drips from my tone. I can’t believe this night has gone so damn sideways.
“Again, fuck you.” He turns and walks down the hallway, and I follow him, watching him tug his shirt on. “I’m leaving.”
“Of course. Run away.”
He spins around, pinning me with a furious glare, his chest pumping with rage and hurt. “I’m doing you a favor.”
“Keep telling yourself that. I’m not chasing you. I’m done trying to fix people.” I know the words sting, and I do wish I could take them back. He’s not broken, but maybe he is. Maybe this is just my same goddamn pattern of finding broken people that I can’t fix, that I can’t help. Or who can’t love me enough not to hurt me.
Because I’m aching right now. Worse than I’ve ever felt.
He grabs his cellphone and walks to the front door, and I want to beg him to stay. I want to tell him that we can work this out. That we can take it slow. Or hell, even just call us friends.
But I can’t do it. I watch him walk out to his car and pull away. I stand there, frozen. Letting him walk away from me and out of my life.
Because I just can’t do it anymore.
* * *
It’s been days since my fight—breakup? —argument?—with Rafe, and I’m glad it’s still winter break because I haven’t moved much from the couch in my living room. I haven’t heard from him, and I haven’t reached out to him either.
It’s over.
It’s really over.
It was doomed from the start, and it never even really began.
And I’m left sitting here, feeling like a total idiot for once again repeating my old pattern. I swore to myself I was done with that.