I look over at Nolan, who’s joined us, and then back at Hailey. “Yeah, okay. Get your tray.”
She squeals excitedly, going to get her princess tray I bought to make it easier to eat anywhere and setting it up in the living room. I turn on one of her favorite cartoons and bring her plate in, letting her watch while she eats. Then I head back into the kitchen.
“She doesn’t do this often. Just when she’s tired.”
He raises his hands in a nonjudgmental stance. “It was a long day. I’m tired too. Coming back from break is always tough.”
I nod in understanding, and we sit down at the table to eat, the silence deafening and awkward. “I’m sorry,” I blurt out, and I can tell I’ve surprised him.
He places his fork down and looks at me with wide eyes. “What?”
“I’m so sorry, Nolan. I said really shitty things, and I wish I could take them back.”
He’s clearly uncomfortable as he shifts in his seat and then clears his throat. “I shouldn’t have sprung that on you like that. I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. “Don’t be. I’m sorry. I handled it badly.” I swallow hard, the ache from our fight still raw. “You’re the best friend I’ve had in a long time. I don’t want our friendship to be over.”
He looks pained, and I wonder what I said wrong before he sighs heavily and speaks, keeping his voice quiet. “I shouldn’t have told you like that, but it doesn’t make it any less true, Rafe.” I stare into his eyes and hear the words he isn’t saying. That he loves me.
“But can’t we still be friends?”
Again, he looks like he’s in agony, and I hate myself for it. “I can try. But I don’t know how to just be your friend.”
“Isn’t that what we were though? I mean at the core?”
“Before I fell in love with you?” His words slice right through my heart, but he holds his head high, leaving the words out there.
“Yes.”
“I don’t know. Were we ever really just friends? There was always an attraction there.”
I can’t argue with that. I felt the attraction from day one. “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want,” I swallow again and take a deep breath, “what you deserve. But I want to be your friend.”
I watch his broad chest rise and fall with his deep breaths before he nods. “I can try. I can’t imagine you not being in my life at this point.”
I let out a relieved breath. “Good. I’m so sorry for overreacting. And some of the shit I said to you was so fucked up. I’m sorry.”
His large shoulders shrug. “You were sort of right. I mean, I didn’t try to trick you or anything, but part of me hoped what we had would morph into a relationship. A real one. And that wasn’t fair to you.”
The concept of someone wanting to be in a relationship with me, knowing full well what I did to Heather in the past, is just beyond my grasp. I can’t understand why this perfect, kind, fucking gorgeous man would want me. “I was an ass. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know.” He smiles. “I think we can be friends, but just friends. No sex. It gets too muddled in my head.”
“Yeah, I guess that makes sense.” Even if it doesn’t totally. I liked what we had, but I’ll take anything I can get with him. “I’m going to miss it though.”
He laughs and shakes his head. “Yeah. Me too. But I’m going to date. Really date. Seriously. I want a relationship. I want it all.”
Hearing his plan to date and try to find the right man guts me. It nearly steals the breath from my lungs, and I feel like I might keel over. But that’s not fair. So, I force a smile of my own. “You deserve everything.”
He offers a sad smile now, one I still can’t decipher. But then, he picks up his fork and we continue eating our dinner. He tells me about the rest of his break and how he helped his mom and dad at their house, trying to repair a few loose boards on their deck.
He wanted to wait until it was warmer, but they were rotten, and he was afraid they were going to get hurt.
I tell him about Aunt Jo’s visit and the rest of the break, how we didn’t really do anything exciting and that Hailey asked for him at least a hundred times. After dinner, we put the dishes in the dishwasher and move to the living room with Hailey.
She cuddles on my lap as we watch her cartoons until it’s time for her bath and bed. After Nolan reads her two stories and she falls fast asleep—so tired from the day—we sneak into the living room, standing awkwardly between the couch and the front door.
Nolan grabs the back of his neck, looking as uncomfortable as I feel. “I guess I should go.”
I should probably let him. He and I together, alone, is dangerous, but I meant what I said. I want his friendship above all else. “Oh, so now that we aren’t fucking you don’t want to stick around?”
He chuckles at that, dropping his hand and shaking his head. “You’re an ass.”
I smile. “I know.”
“I’ll stay for a little bit, but it is a school night.”
“Okay.” I’m happy he agreed, but I try not to show it too much, playing it cool as we make our way to the couch.
He stretches his long legs out in front of him. “I meant what I said, though, no sex.”
My body’s natural response with him being so damn close and Hailey in bed is screaming at me to lean in for a kiss. To touch him everywhere. But I resist, giving him space. “I know.”
“Okay.” His body is tense, and I wonder if he’s feeling the same magnetic pull I am.
Are his hands itching to touch me like mine are to touch him? Does he miss my taste like I miss his?
I try to push the thoughts away as we sit there and just be happy about being in the same room with him again.
Friends. I can do this.
* * *
“Okay, I just have to say this.” I’m caught off-guard when Emily announces this before I can get out the door but turn around to look at her.
“What?”
“My mom told me you’re gay.”
Well, shit. It’s way too early for this conversation. “O-kay.”
She laughs at that and then shakes her head. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have blurted it out that way. She said that you’re totally out, but she wasn’t sure whether she should tell me. So she didn’t until I was whining about how you didn’t seem interested in me at all.”
I gape at her, surprised by the conversation but also amused. “It’s fine. I am out. I thought my aunt would have told her and that you’d know.”
She laughs again, and it’s a pretty sound even though I can tell she’s mortified. “She totally didn’t. And I guess she just couldn’t listen to my insane obsession anymore. I mean it was bad, Rafe. Every time I talked to her, I’d talk about my hot neighbor that I couldn’t seduce.”
My cheeks pink, and I can feel how hot they are. I clear my throat. “I’m sorry.”
She laughs. “Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry. My God, you must have thought I was crazy. Or pathetic. Or both. I’m sorry. If I’d have known, I so wouldn’t have been flirting like that.” She quirks her mouth in a playful grin. “Well, maybe not as much. You can’t blame a girl for trying.”