The amount of truth in those words is nearly suffocating. “I can’t. I won’t be selfish ever again.”
“You were never selfish. Ever. And you can call him and tell him that you want him.”
“I can’t.” I place a hand over her much smaller one on my cheek. “Look, when I did what I did . . .” I swallow hard but force myself to go on. “When I did what I did to Heather, I took away Hailey’s mother.”
She looks like she wants to argue with me, but I stop her with a shake of my head.
“The only blessing was that she was so young. But she loves Nolan. If we date and she falls even more in love with Nolan . . . maybe even calls him dad someday, and then I inevitably destroy him?” I shake my head, pushing away the sick feeling in my gut. “It would ruin her too. And I won’t do that.”
“What do you think this is doing to him now? If he wanted more and you wouldn’t try?”
I try to push away the thoughts of what he’s going through right now. Hopefully he bounced right back. “It was fast. I’ve only known him for a few months. It’s short-term pain versus years of torture.” I’m honest with her and myself for a moment. “I want him in my life, but I won’t ruin him. I won’t.”
“Oh, sweetie.” She has tears in her eyes that nearly kill me. “You deserve to be happy.”
“So does he.” I look toward the hallway where Hailey is still tucked into her bed. “And she definitely does.”
She shakes her head sadly, standing up and then kissing my forehead. “Someday, you’ll see that your happiness matters too. Especially to that little girl.”
With that she leaves, probably to do some cleaning before we leave tomorrow.
I try my best not to think about Nolan.
But I fail.
* * *
I’m dragging on my first day back to school after winter break, but it’s not really about coming back to work. That I was excited for. Having a reason to shower and get dressed. Having to force myself out of the funk was good.
But my thoughts are constantly drifting back to Rafe.
Like they have been. Every single day.
It’s pathetic. We weren’t together, but somehow this has hit me harder than all my other breakups combined.
It also doesn’t help that his eyes are staring back at me all day long in the form of a cute little blond kiddo who’s wearing a great big smile and who ran up to me first thing this morning, giving me a great big hug.
I missed that kid.
I missed all my kids over the break, but I really missed Hailey.
When school ends and we walk the kids outside, Hailey is right by my side with a great big grin up in my direction. “Why didn’t you come over after Christmas?”
We get outside before I kneel to look into her eyes, keeping the conversation semi-private. “I’m sorry. I had a lot going on.”
She frowns, and I know the explanation isn’t going to cut it. “Aunt Jo left yesterday. I’m sad.”
My heart sinks, her big blue eyes projecting her sadness. I can’t let her down. My friendship with Rafe has already affected her. I don’t want it to be another loss for her. “Don’t be sad, kiddo. We’ll do something soon.”
“How about tonight?” The deep voice comes from behind me and sends a shiver down my spine.
I stand up and face Rafe, all tall, masculine, and muscled. He’s wearing a brown coat, suited for hard labor, and his jeans are tattered, hugging him perfectly. “Tonight?”
He nods, solemnly, his eyes a duplicate of Hailey’s right now. “Yeah. Please?”
The pleading in his eyes matches his words, and I hate that I can feel my resolve weakening already. I promised myself I could be strong today when I saw him. That I wouldn’t run to him and beg him to let me in his life even in the most miniscule way. And I wouldn’t be a dick. I’d find some middle ground.
But agreeing to hang out?
Yeah, I don’t think that’s a good idea. “Rafe . . .” I start, but I feel Hailey tugging on my coat.
“Please? I miss you.”
Son of a bitch. I look down into those gleaming eyes, wide with hope and sigh, looking back at Rafe. “What exactly am I agreeing to?”
“Dinner at our place.”
“Early dinner?” I need some sort of boundary. Last time I saw him, he was in flight mode, so this invitation has thrown me for a loop. I don’t know what to expect, but I won’t let myself get too close.
I can’t.
“Yes,” he agrees.
I nod and look at Hailey. “What are you cooking?”
She giggles and hugs my waist. “I can’t cook yet, silly. Daddy cooks.”
I smooth my hand over her hair and give her a quick nod. “Okay. I suppose. I’ll see you later.”
She’s beaming when she follows Rafe to their car, and my heart thumps wildly in my chest, knowing I made a big mistake by agreeing to this.
But I can’t say no.
* * *
I can’t believe he agreed to come over for dinner. I mean, I know I have Hailey to thank for that, and I’m not even a little ashamed of using that tactic.
I can’t let my kid down. As painful as it is to be near Nolan and know that I hurt him so deeply, I can’t deny that he’s become a part of her life. That she likes when he comes for dinner. She loves going to his parents’ home. She likes him.
I can’t have him completely cut out of her life as soon as the school year is over. We’ve already crossed that line.
And I know he cares about her too.
I need to try to salvage what I can with Nolan for her sake. And also for mine. He’s the best friend I’ve had—maybe ever. And it’s selfish, but I don’t want to lose him.
There’s a knock on the door, and Hailey hauls ass to answer it with me on her heels. “Hailey, remember you can’t answer the door without me.”
She huffs, placing her little hands on her hips, but she stops. I look through the peephole and see Nolan standing outside. I try to get my rapid heart rate under control, pulling in a deep breath and letting it out before I open the door.
His scent hits me first—comforting and smelling of oak and spice—but then it’s his eyes and his forced smile. I hate that I’m the reason he’s lost his normal bright smile. “Hi,” I say dumbly and watch his Adam’s apple as he swallows nervously.
“Hi.”
Hailey, however, either doesn’t notice the awkward tension or doesn’t care and grabs his hand tugging him inside. “I have a lot of new toys.”
His smile is real now as he looks at her, quickly slipping his coat off. “I know. I saw you open them.”
I take his coat, and Hailey giggles happily. “Oh, yeah! I forgot. Let’s play.”
He laughs, shaking his head fondly at her as he follows her into the living room, where she already has her Barbie Dream House set up and hands him a couple of Barbies. He falls easily into playing with her, and I excuse myself to finish making dinner.
I’m getting better at following recipes and cooking, so tonight I managed baked chicken and veggies. When dinner’s ready, I let them know, and Hailey is the first one to the table. “Daddy, can I watch TV while I eat?”