There’s a knock on my front door, but I ignore it. I didn’t order food. I know it isn’t Rafe, so I don’t really care who’s at my door. There’s another knock, but I’m sure they’ll give up soon. I was sure of that until I hear the lock click and the door push open.
I don’t bother looking in that direction before the couch next to me sags and I hear Gavin’s voice coming from beside me. “Thank God I have a key, asshole.”
“Please. Let yourself in. Make yourself at home,” I deadpan, staring blankly at whatever the hell happens to be on TV.
“What is going on with you? You haven’t replied to any of my texts. You missed the party at Glitter last night.”
“Party at Glitter?” I turn to look at him, and he’s looking at me like I’ve lost my damn mind.
“New Year’s Eve. Every single year.”
“Shit. I missed the new year?”
He’s gawking at me now and actually looks mildly scared. “What is going on?”
“Rafe and I broke up.” I turn away from him and shrug my shoulders, forcing a laugh that holds no weight. “But I guess you can’t break up when you aren’t actually together, right?”
“What happened, Nols?”
My stomach physically aches when I think about that night. “I told him I was in love with him, and he freaked the hell out.” I laugh again, and again, it’s with no humor whatsoever. “Which, I mean, of course he did. I’ve known him since August.” I turn to look at my friend. “August. I’ve lost my damn mind.”
“Hey, when you know, you know. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known that person.”
I scoff, “A few months. I’ve known him for a few months, and I knew he only wanted casual. I knew he has a traumatic past. That his priority is, of course, his daughter. So what do I do?” I lean forward a little and run my fingers through my hair. “I go and fall in love with him. And I tell him.” I rest my elbows on my thighs and look over my shoulder at my friend. “What the hell is wrong with me?”
“Nothing,” he says firmly, but my shoulders sink because I know he’s saying that to make me feel better.
“How do I manage to get myself into these situations over and over again, Gav?”
“You’re good, Nols. You always have been, and you always will be. Don’t let these assholes change who you are.”
Maybe I should change a little. I don’t say it out loud, though, knowing my best friend will come to my defense. “I’m fully in breakup mode right now, sweatpants and junk food deep, and I wasn’t even in an actual relationship.”
“You were in love with him, and he broke your heart, that fucker. You go ahead and wear your sweatpants for a bit. You have every right to mourn.”
I smile at him, appreciating that he isn’t making fun of me right now. He probably knows I’d kick his ass out. Instead, we order dinner, watch Netflix, and are pretty much silent.
Because honestly, there’s nothing to say.
I miss Rafe, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
* * *
It’s been impossible to drag my ass out of bed every day since I left Nolan’s, but I’ve forced myself to do it. I’ve been a dad, playing with Hailey every free second, and I’ve gone to work, doing my job the same way I always have. But Nolan is always in the back of my mind.
I hurt him. I hurt him so badly, and part of me wants to die from making him feel like that. Hell, I’m pissed at myself for hurting me too.
But what else could I do?
It’s better I broke us apart now rather than us totally obliterating each other later. I can’t do it to him. He’s too good.
It’s Saturday, and Aunt Jo goes back home tomorrow. Hailey has school the next day, and it’s back to the same routine. My stomach plummets, thinking about seeing Nolan again.
Will he even acknowledge me? Will he scream at me? Really let me have it right there in the school parking lot?
I honestly don’t know which would be worse.
I walk into the kitchen in a t-shirt and pajama bottoms, making my way to the coffee pot when I see Aunt Jo sitting at the table. “Good morning, sweetie.” I smile at her, heading over to give her a hug. As I do, she looks me over. “You look like hell.”
“Thanks, Aunt Jo.” I kiss the top of her head. “You look beautiful.”
She grins as I walk back to the coffee pot again and pour myself a mug. I sit down across from her, and she offers me a sad smile. “What happened? Why hasn’t Nolan been over here since your date night?”
She’s asked a couple of times, and I’ve brushed it off. But I can tell by the look on her face, that’s not going to happen today. “We were just friends. It wasn’t a date.”
“Pardon my language, sweetie . . .” She pats my hand on top of the table. “But that’s bullshit.”
I gawk at her, never having heard that from her before, and she chuckles, shaking her head and taking a sip of her own coffee. I finally shake off my shock and try my best to argue with her. “It’s not. We were friends.” I sip my coffee and wait because Aunt Jo is one tough woman, and I know that’s not the end of it.
We were supposed to be friends.
“So, what happened? Why aren’t you friends now?” I don’t miss the way she says friends, like she doesn’t believe me at all.
I shrug, trying to seem nonchalant but knowing I’m not selling it. “He wanted more than that, I guess.”
She’s quiet for a moment, silently watching me and making me squirm in my seat and giving me the same look she gave me when I broke her favorite vase when I was seven. I lied to her then, and she knew it immediately. She did this to me until I confessed and made me promise never to lie to her again.
“Call him.”
“What?” For some reason, that wasn’t what I expected.
“Call him. Tell him you want more too. I’m guessing you didn’t tell him that since you’re no longer friends.”
“I don’t want more. And stop saying ‘friends’ like that.”
She waves me off like I’m that seven-year-old child all over again. “Oh, honey. You do want that.”
I swallow thickly, thinking about Nolan’s face during our fight. He looked so damn wounded, but nowhere near what he’d have been if I’d given the relationship thing a try. I’d have annihilated him, and I cannot and will not do that.
“I don’t. But I hurt him, Aunt Jo.” I look into her eyes, pleading for something—I don’t know what. “I hurt him so badly.”
She moves to the chair next to me, scooting it closer and wrapping her arm around me. “Tell him you were a dummy and that you’re sorry.”
I laugh at that, but it’s almost a sob and lean my head on her small shoulder. “I am sorry.”
“I know you are. So, tell him.”
I sit up and look into her kind eyes. “I can’t give him what he deserves. He deserves so much. Everything.”
She rests her palm on my cheek, and her eyes soften even more as she smiles. “My sweet, sad boy. Your whole life, you’ve cared about everyone else. Never yourself. You never went after what you really wanted, and you paid for it.”