“What?” I turn to look at him, amusement playing on my lips at the abrupt conversation change.
“Yeah. Apparently, her mom hadn’t told her. She didn’t want to out me or whatever, but Emily had been talking about me for some reason.” He looks adorably cute right now, squirming and embarrassed because the guy really has no idea how sexy and appealing he is. Not just his looks but in every other way too. “So her mom told her I was gay.”
I shift in my seat to face him. “And how did that go?”
He actually lights up. I mean for Rafe—he’s beaming. “It was great. She wasn’t cruel or anything. Maybe a little disappointed that we weren’t going to date, but she wasn’t disgusted.”
I tilt my head to the side, patting his thigh sympathetically because Heather and his parents really, really did a number on him. And they did this in his formative years, where it really gets stuck in your head. “Good.”
“Yeah.” He still looks amazed. “She wanted to know if you were single after that.”
I snort. “Uh-oh. You let her down easy for me?”
He laughs, and goddamn that sound—it’s so beautiful. “I did. I let her know that you are, in fact, ‘super gay.’”
I laugh with him, thinking back to my own description of myself. “Poor girl. How did she even know about me?”
“She saw you sneaking in and out, I guess.”
I smile at that, but the memories of sneaking out of here in the dark, early morning hours are both fond and heartbreaking because I miss them so damn much.
“It’s just so crazy.” His voice pulls my focus back to him.
“What is?”
“Where I grew up . . . a small, conservative town in the middle of nowhere, it was almost like someone being gay was something they made up for television or a myth.” I bristle, hating that for him. “It’s so magnified when you live in a place like that. Everything seems like a huge deal. So I hid my feelings. I hid the fact that I had no interest in cheerleaders but definitely had an interest in the football players.”
“You shouldn’t have had to hide.”
His face is sullen, the darkness creeping into his features. “I’m angry at her.”
“Who?”
“Heather.” I’m nearly relieved by that statement. I mean, it’s hard to explain, but I feel relief when he says that. I wait for him to add to it, holding my breath. “She had a reason to be mad at me, but she was my best friend. I trusted her. I thought I could tell her and she’d understand. That she’d be sympathetic to me feeling like a freak for all those years. To me having to hide who I really was.” I hate that for him. His eyes darken even more. “But she didn’t care about me at all. She thought about herself and her family. What the town would think. Worried they’d think she turned me gay.”
I make a growl-like sound that I can’t pull back, but fuck her.
“They all wanted me to change. To hide. To pretend. Like I could just make it go away and stay married to her. That eventually I’d just become straight.” His eyes meet mine fiercely. “But not one part of me wanted to do that by that point. I was done. I wasn’t going back.”
“I’m glad. No one deserves that.” I place my hand on his thigh, looking into his eyes. “You should be angry with her. With all of them. There is nothing wrong with you, Rafe. And there never was. Maybe she had a right to be upset that you didn’t love her back the way she loved you—because believe me, loving you and you not feeling the same is the most painful thing in the world.” He winces, but I continue, not wanting to dwell on it, “But she had no right to demand that you pretend to be someone you weren’t. Or to ask you to change. It doesn’t work that way.”
“It’s really damn hard to be so mad at someone who’s dead.”
“Yeah. I think it’s good to say it out loud and then let it go. Because she’s gone, and it was tragic, but you didn’t do anything wrong, Rafe. You didn’t.”
He smiles sadly, looking out the window. “When she died, I had so much guilt and anger. I felt like I let Hailey down. So I vowed to just be the best dad I could be. I threw myself into it and pushed everything else away.”
“You deserve more than that.”
His eyes meet mine, his voice so quiet it’s nearly a whisper. “I love you too, you know?”
“What?” I’m sure I didn’t hear that right, my heart speeding up to a dangerous rate as I wait for him to speak again and put me out of my misery. He couldn’t have said what I think he did.
There’s no way.
* * *
My heart is pounding away in my chest, feeling like it might escape, but Nolan going on a date with a guy who wants everything he does has made me temporally selfish. I have to say this.
“I know you have a date . . .”
“Fuck the date.” He moves closer to me, his breathing rapid, and mine matches his. “What did you just say?”
“I came here, and I met you. I couldn’t deny the attraction I felt right away. I’ve never experienced that in my entire life. And then I found out you were gay too, and I couldn’t believe my luck.” He looks pained as he listens to me, like I’m slowly killing him, but I have too much to say to rush anything. “And my boss is gay. Made it very clear with Christopher hanging all over him on the first day I worked there. Then I met Gavin and your family. And everyone is just so cool. I know there are still assholes out there, but . . .”
“Rafe.” It’s a strangled plea from him for me to get on with it.
“I love you. I don’t want to hide anything anymore.”
His big hand on my neck is the only warning I have before he pulls me in for a heated kiss, his mouth attacking mine. I sigh in relief before I kiss him back, our tongues tangling and our teeth nipping at each other’s lips, not able to get enough.
He pulls back only a fraction. “I love you too.”
“I still don’t know why.” It’s the truth. I can’t understand how someone so perfect could love me, someone so damn flawed.
“There are so many reasons. I hate what they did to you. That you can’t see how amazing you are. There’s nothing wrong with you, Rafe.” He still grips the back of my neck as his forehead rests against mine, and we breathe each other in. “You’re an amazing father. Kind. Hard working. Totally hardheaded and maybe a little too selfless.”
“Look who’s talking.” I smile.
“Maybe that’s why we’ll work. I’ll worry about you and Hailey, and you’ll worry about me and Hailey. Perfect balance.”
I smile, my heart thundering in my chest when he includes my daughter in this without any thought at all.
His lips press against mine in another kiss before he pulls back slightly. “Say it again.”
I smile against his mouth. “I love you.” I kiss him again but need to say more. “I can’t ruin you.”
“I’m unbreakable.”
“I’m broken though.” I pull back enough to look him in the eyes. “You deserve someone you don’t have to fix.”