Before he can argue with me, I flee, finding the exit and walking out onto the sidewalk. It’s chilly, but I don’t care. I can’t breathe in there.
“Rafe.” Shit. He followed me. He stands right in front of me. “We can talk, you know. You can tell me anything.”
No. I really can’t. I can’t tell him all the things I want to say to him.
“I’m fine. It’s just really crowded in there. I don’t like crowds.”
He nods understandingly. “Yeah. I get that, but that’s not why you escaped out here.”
“Goddammit. Do you always have to call me out?”
I offer a weak smile, and he gives one back to me—his much brighter. He grabs my face in his big hands, and I nearly lose my footing, unable to see anything but him. “We’re friends. You can talk to me. If you’re lonely . . .”
“I never should have said that. I’m not. I have Hailey. I have Aunt Jo, and I have you. I’m not lonely.”
He doesn’t release me, his copper orbs still digging for an explanation. “I have a lot of good things in my life, but I’m lonely sometimes. That’s why I want a relationship.”
Thinking about him in a relationship with another man, sharing all the things he said he wanted and is going for, makes my knees nearly give out from the pain I feel. “I can’t do relationships, Nolan. I’m terrible at them.”
He looks pained, like he wants to say something, probably to defend me like he always does. But he doesn’t. I think I’ve effectively worn him out. “You would make a great boyfriend, Rafe. You just need to gain some confidence.”
My eyes dart to his lips, all full and pink and totally kissable, and I’m dying for another taste. I think he feels it too, his eyes moving to my mouth at the same time. Every single nerve in my body is on alert with his body this close to mine, breathing each other in along with the night air. I just wish, for once, I could stop thinking.
That I could just do what I want to do. He’s helped me with that in the past. For the first time in my life, I went after what I wanted. I kissed him. I did so much more than that with him, but that was before he said he loved me.
That was before it got too damn dangerous for him. Because I will destroy him.
His hands drop at the same time I step back, both of us in a silent agreement that we can’t go there. That kissing each other would be catastrophic.
We just got our friendship back, and I’m not going to ruin it.
“Want to go back inside?”
I nod in response, unable to actually form words. The moment is too intense and too painful to speak. We go back inside and see Gavin dancing with a few guys and Jake and Christopher grinding together in a dark corner. We laugh and go back to the bar, turning the conversation to much lighter topics.
Because I need Nolan in my life, even if I can’t give him a relationship. His friendship means everything to me.
* * *
I look into the rearview mirror of the car, staring into my own eyes as I try to gather the strength I need for tonight. Hailey invited me to dinner in front of Rafe when he picked her up from school today, and of course, I couldn’t turn the kid down.
Even though I have a date later.
The guy I’ve been talking to on the app is nice. He’s looking for a relationship. He wants commitment. He’s been fucked over before. He’s perfect. On paper.
I take a deep breath and climb out of my car, locking it and then going up to knock on Hailey and Rafe’s door. He answers, looking as gorgeous and clueless as ever. His big blue eyes scanning over my outfit and a grin spreads over his face. “You didn’t have to dress up for us.”
I smile, but it’s forced. “I, um . . .” I grip the back of my neck, still standing in the doorway. “I have a date later.”
His smile falls, which does stupid things to me. “Oh.” He scans my outfit again—gray slacks and black button-down shirt— “You look nice.”
“Thank you.”
“You do!” Hailey singsongs. “What’s a date?”
I look to Rafe, letting him handle this one. He looks down at his adorable daughter, smoothing his hand over her hair. “It’s when people who like each other go somewhere to get to know each other better.”
“Oh.” She frowns and then looks at me. “You and Daddy date then.” It’s not a question. It’s a statement from an innocent, cute kid with bright eyes.
“It’s a little different,” I say, not daring to look at Rafe, my heart squeezing tightly in my chest. “We’re friends.”
Her nose scrunches in an insanely cute way, and then she shrugs, shaking her little head, clearly not having the time or patience to figure us idiot adults out. She grabs my hand. “Barbies!”
I laugh, and Rafe closes the door after me, but he looks a little off-kilter. “If you have a date, why did you agree to dinner?”
I sit down on the floor with Hailey, not really worried about my dress slacks. I can smooth them out later. “We’re meeting for drinks.”
“Oh.” He sits down on the couch, looking more like the Rafe I knew in the beginning. Lost and quiet.
Goddamn everyone who ever hurt him. I hate how deeply it runs through him. I see the uncertainty and pain under the surface, and it nearly kills me. If only he would listen to me and not them. If he could only see how beautiful he is.
We play Barbies until dinner is ready, and then we all eat at the kitchen table together. Hailey tells Rafe and me about her day at school, even though I was there. Hearing it from her perspective is thoroughly entertaining.
After dinner, she talks us into two books and then lays down in her bed, going to sleep fairly easily. We sneak back into the living room, and Rafe gestures toward the television. “Do you have time to hang out or is it time to go to your date?”
The word “date” definitely has a bite to it, coming out of his mouth, but I don’t address it. I just move to sit down on his couch. “I have an hour.”
“Okay.” He sits next to me, but he leaves a considerable amount of space between our bodies. “So, is it the guy from the app?”
“Yeah. Jason.”
“Jason.” His brow furrows. “Sounds like a serial killer.”
“Stop,” I laugh and turn away from him to look straight ahead. “It’s a perfectly normal name. He’s a teacher too.”
“Oh.” He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, but I stare absently at the TV, not wanting to look at him and his ridiculously handsome face. “At your school?”
“Nah, he teaches about thirty minutes away. On the Missouri side.” I can feel his disgust now and laugh again. “Stop.”
“Missouri.”
I laugh, unable to help myself. “Yes. I think it’s about time for the border war to end. Don’t you?”
“Hell, no.”
I snort and shake my head. “He’s nice. He’s looking for a relationship. It’s good.”
I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince more, but he’s silent for a long time after that. When he speaks again, it nearly startles me. “Did I tell you that Emily knows I’m gay?”