I finally force myself to look him in the eyes, and I see the worry there. Why does he have to care? Why can’t he just let it go and ignore anything related to dating?
“I know that, but . . .” He sighs. “Just be careful.”
I smile. “I’m always careful. I’m getting to know him. It’s good.”
He doesn’t look convinced and, in fact, looks almost pissed off now, but he nods his head quickly and looks back at the kids. “I’m glad.”
The words shred me. They shouldn’t. Rafe has been clear that he doesn’t want anything from me other than casual friendship, and I’ve been clear that I want everything. We don’t work. But it kills me when he says he’s glad I’m dating.
“So, um. Aunt Jo is coming next week to help out when Hailey is on spring break.”
I forgot we’re on break next week. I don’t have any plans, so I guess it slipped my mind. “That’s good. She’s great.”
I look back at the kids, directing one not to put sand in his mouth before Rafe speaks again. “Yeah. She is. Um, Jake wanted me to go to Glitter on Thursday night. There’s a live band.”
“Yeah, Gav said something about that.”
“Yeah?” He actually lights up at that, and I can see his smile in my mind even if I’m not looking at him. “Cool. So are you going?”
I turn to look at him slowly, and I see he’s looking at me with a hopeful expression on his too handsome face. “I don’t know. Maybe. Are you?”
“Yeah, I think so. If you are.” He grins at me, and goddamn, my heart actually flutters. I should have that checked out.
“Okay. Yeah. It should be fun.”
His smile widens. “Good.”
I shove his shoulder playfully, needing a break from how happy he looks at the prospect of us hanging out at a club together.
I want to go.
But I know, in the back of my head, it’s a really bad idea.
* * *
Does he have to look so damn good? I mean, really? Nolan walks into Glitter, wearing dark jeans that fit him perfectly and a black t-shirt that clings to every one of his sculpted muscles. Gavin is next to him, wearing something similar, but my eyes are on Nolan.
He sees me and walks over with his usual grace. “Hey, Rafe.”
“Hi, you made it.”
Jake and his boyfriend, Christopher, are with me already. Christopher has the night off and has already indulged in a few fruity drinks, feeling pretty happy apparently. “Oh my God, you’re right. He’s hot as hell.”
Yeah. I might die right here. Nolan looks at me when Christopher blurts that bit of information out. “What’s that?”
I roll my eyes. “You know you’re hot.”
“That’s how you describe me, huh?”
I try to play it cool, but Gavin is not pleased. “Hey, I’m hot too.” He feigns hurt. “You didn’t tell them that?”
“We have eyes,” Jake says with a grin, and Christopher giggles.
“I want to dance.” He tugs on Jake, who has no say whatsoever as Christopher drags him off into the crowd.
“So, that’s Jake and Christopher,” I say, unable to remove the goofy grin from my face.
“They seem nice,” Nolan says as we walk to the bar and they both order drinks. “Aunt Jo is with Hailey, I’m assuming?”
I nod, taking a sip of my rum and coke. “Yeah. I don’t think I’m going to stay long, but I’m sure they’re having fun.”
“Oh yeah. No doubt.”
Gavin is scoping out the bar—or more specifically, the people in the bar. “It’s crowded tonight.”
“Going hunting?” Nolan asks with a quirk of his eyebrows.
Gavin grabs his drink and gives him a quick salute. “Damn right. See you all later.”
He heads off. Nolan laughs, taking a seat at the bar, and I join him. “I take it he isn’t looking for a serious relationship?”
I cringe at my own words when I see Nolan flinch. Why the hell do I keep bringing it up? We’ve been doing fine being just friends. But I just have to keep bringing up relationships and dating. Torturing myself with the details of other men touching and kissing Nolan.
Not that he’s mine or anything.
And that’s my fault. And it’s good. I can’t keep him safe with me. But I can’t keep him safe with him dating shitheads who might hurt him either.
“Nah, Gavin doesn’t do commitment.”
“Oh.” What can I say? I don’t either. Not really.
“Yeah. He’ll find someone to play with tonight and never think about them again.”
I take a drink, looking at the rack of alcohol behind the bar. “That sounds lonely.”
I can feel his eyes on me, skeptical. “Yeah. I think so too, but aren’t you kind of in that same boat?”
I take another slow drink and nod. “Yeah. And it’s lonely as hell.”
“Ra—” I can’t do this. I finish my drink and grab his hand.
“Let’s dance.”
“Wait.” He takes a gulp of his drink but then puts it down and follows me out to the dancefloor as the live band—who’s not bad—is playing.
We start to dance, getting lost in the crowd but still right next to each other. I can’t think about how I admitted to being lonely. I have Hailey. I’m happy.
Do I miss the nights he warmed my bed?
Of course.
But I can’t hurt him, and that’s all I do.
“Are you really lonely? Or are you just horny?” he asks as my hands move to his hips, holding onto him and breathing him in.
“Both,” I answer honestly, and he rolls his eyes at me but smiles.
“They have apps for that.”
I shudder, thinking about meeting a stranger for sex who I met through an app, swiping left just because their picture is hot. “Nah.”
He laughs, turning around and dancing with his back to my front, allowing a little too much friction for me to hide my attraction to him. But whatever, he already knows I’m insanely attracted to him. “Why not? You’ve hooked up in clubs before, right?”
And even then, I did it fast and dirty, just wanting to get off and get out. Now, I can’t really imagine letting anyone else put their hands or mouth on me, and the realization hits me hard as Nolan grinds his body against mine. “I don’t want hookups.”
He turns around, looking into my eyes. The darkness of the club makes it difficult, but the sparkling lights help a little. “You don’t want a relationship, but you don’t want a hookup?”
I shrug, feeling vulnerable and claustrophobic all of a sudden in the cramped club with Nolan’s eyes boring into mine. “Yeah.”
“No wonder you’re lonely.” He looks sad.
“Hookups don’t really help with loneliness. They don’t last long enough.”
He stops dancing, looking directly at me but seeing right through me, and I don’t like it. “Relationships do.”
“Not when they end. They make it worse, Nolan.” His hand rests sympathetically on my bicep, and I lean into the touch for only a fraction of a moment before I push back. “I need some air.”