“It was fun!” Charlotte reported. “And next week we’re showing off a special dance at Friday pickup. You should come!”
“Well...” Calder stretched out the word, probably searching for an appropriate excuse. I had his back there.
“Calder probably has work.”
Calder shot me a look I couldn’t quite read. “I’m not sure what my duty schedule is yet, actually. I’ll try to see what I can do.”
“Good.” Charlotte nodded sharply before the subject shifted to the art project she’d completed that afternoon. And I wouldn’t lecture Calder too much about making promises he couldn’t keep. I could still use the work excuse for him, and being around kids was still new for him. He didn’t know that Charlotte would take his maybe as a yes. But he likely had zero interest in the kids’ dance, and he’d been plenty nice already, paying them both a ton of attention all evening.
After dinner, Calder insisted on doing the cleanup while I herded the girls through the nighttime routine of laying out clothes for tomorrow, showers, a quick story, and leaving them to read quietly before lights out. By the time I made it back downstairs, the kitchen was sparkling and a second glass was waiting for me with a ginger cookie by its side.
“Okay. You coming for dinner was a fabulous idea.” I took a bite of the cookie.
“Good. I like being your stress relief.” Hugging me from behind, he rested his head against mine. So damn sweet it hurt.
“Sorry that we can’t...”
“Don’t be sorry. Aren’t you the one always telling me that we don’t need a certain goal in mind or even a destination like your bedroom? I’m happy holding you a few minutes.” His tone was sincere and he squeezed me tighter to make his point.
I suppressed a sigh because he really was that perfect. “Well, at least I can make good on the present help. Let me grab my laptop.”
We took our wine and cookies to the couch where we snuggled with the laptop between us. Calder’s arm around me felt so good as we scrolled through options that I could forgive him a lack of enthusiasm.
“All wedding gifts start to look the same to me.” He frowned as we made our way through the happy couple’s registry.
“Says the guy who showed me fifty million shelving options. Such a romantic.”
“Hey, I’m plenty romantic. I’m just saying that if I ever did get married, I wouldn’t register for the same stuff everyone else seems to. There’s nothing romantic about dishes.” Something in his tone gave me pause. He sounded different than he had that first night at the cabin, less adamant, more speculative.
“I thought you were rather dead set against relationships, let alone marriage.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I might be softening.” He gave me a lazy smile, light and teasing, and my body had no idea how to react, back tensing even as my stomach flipped.
“So, I think what you want for a present is something personalized for them.”
Calder had an arch look for my abrupt subject change. He knew what I was doing. So did I. No way could I discuss Calder’s changing stance on relationships right then because that would mean reexamining my own and...
No. Better we get back to present looking.
“Personalized is good.” Calder followed my lead back to the gift shopping. “It needs to be either shippable or portable though, as the plan is everyone meeting in Chicago for a wedding weekend, and I don’t want to have to check luggage.”
“Fair enough.”
“There is something I want to bring along.” His tone was so full of good humor that I was instantly curious.
“Oh?”
He grinned broadly as he spread his hands wide. “You.”
Well, hell. I stumbled right into that. “Bringing me is probably not a good idea.”
“Why? The girls can come. All the nieces and nephews will be there, so they won’t be bored. And don’t most little girls like an excuse to wear fancy dresses?”
Thinking of Charlotte’s comments in the car, I had to nod. “They do.”
“See? It will be fun. Don’t make me go alone.” He made an exaggerated pouty face like asking him to go alone was the same as telling him to eat his vegetables.
“That puppy-dog face doesn’t work on me,” I lied, because he actually was rather adorable in his enthusiasm for this terrible idea. But I also wasn’t sure that latching onto this plan was the healthiest thing. “And you wanting a distraction from your feelings about the wedding isn’t a great reason.”
Losing the comical expression, he frowned. “I’m not brokenhearted about it or anything.”
“I’m not saying you are.” We’d talked about the situation enough that I knew he wasn’t jealous of his brother landing Calder’s best friend, but there were certainly some complex emotions, especially around missing them after the cross-country move. “Not all uncomfortable emotions need distraction. Sometimes it’s better to sit with your feels.”
Calder’s mouth twisted. “Good advice, Doc. But there’s a fine line between healthy coping and wallowing. Why let the negative stuff win? Acknowledge it, sure, but sometimes moving forward is the better option.”
My back tingled as Calder dropped his gaze to my balled-up hands. Maybe we weren’t only talking about the wedding anymore. Did he think I was wallowing in my post-divorce feelings? Returning to my earlier thoughts about moving on, I had to wonder about my motives for insisting that we couldn’t date. I don’t like you sad. I had to think of the girls. I clenched my hands tighter. His views on relationships might be changing, but mine couldn’t.
I deliberately kept my voice more doctor-like than usual. “Focusing on the positive is good. Perhaps the distraction element isn’t such a bad thing. But possibly you inviting another...friend would be the better option?”
Exhaling hard as if I’d kicked him, Calder grimaced. His eyes were so sad and disappointed that my insides trembled.
“I don’t want another friend. I want you.” The stubborn set of his jaw made me want to kiss his foolish lips. This was madness but I still let him continue. “Why can’t we be the sort of friends who take a trip together?”
A pained noise escaped my throat. “Because—”
The sound of little feet on the stairs cut me off. Madeline poked her head into the living room, Ellie the elephant under one arm. “I can’t sleep. My room is too hot.”
This was a frequent complaint, right up there with being too thirsty or too cold for sleep, and usually meant that she had something big on her mind she needed to talk about before she could sleep.