It was all neon lights flashing and sweaty bodies pressed too close. It smelled like stale liquor. It was horrible. And for some reason…I loved it. Because it was dark. And loud. And I could keep being invisible.
Heidi pulled me over to a table and ordered a round of drinks.
“I’m good!” I yelled at her over the music.
“You’re about to be.”
“I don’t drink.”
“It’s just one shot,” she said as the waiter dropped off our drinks. “Come on. It’s our first night out together.”
“Let’s make it a night to remember,” Amelia said and lifted her shot glass.
God, I really hated shots. I had mistakenly thought such a small glass couldn’t possibly affect me that much. I had been very wrong. But it had been a long time since I’d hung out with friends. Or had a drink. I was older now. Certainly I could hold my liquor better. “A night to remember,” I said and lifted up my shot glass too. We all clinked them together and I downed it. Ugh. I still hated the taste of whatever that was.
The waiter brought by a second round of shots.
“No way,” I said.
“I didn’t order them,” Heidi said and held up her hands innocently.
But I didn’t believe her.
“They’re from the gentlemen over there,” the waiter said and nodded to a nearby table.
I turned around to see several guys staring at us. One smiled and lifted up a matching shot glass. I quickly turned back around.
Heidi pushed a shot over to me.
“I’m good,” I said.
“You can’t pass up free drinks! It’s a crime! Besides, they definitely sent them over because they’re checking out how amazing your ass looks in those jeans!”
What? I turned to look down at my butt. Fuck. My ass did look really good in these. I should have worn the dress… I glanced up at the table and now all the guys were staring at me staring at my own ass. Crap. I quickly turned back around. I was sure my face was bright red. But it was dark…so…no one knew. Except me. I grabbed another shot and downed it.
I was just about to ask Heidi and Amelia to dance when a few of the guys from the other table wandered over.
“You ladies want to dance?” One of them asked.
“We most certainly do,” Heidi said. “Thanks for the drinks!”
“No problem.” The guy that had asked us to dance put his hand on my hip. His touch felt like fire. It was all wrong. Just like the air was wrong here. And the ocean was wrong.
“Tonight just got a whole lot better,” he whispered in my ear.
“Sorry,” Heidi said. “I meant we do want to dance. But not with you guys.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me away from them before I even knew what was happening. The three of us disappeared into the crowd, away from the guys.
“You okay?” she said. “It looked like you were about to pass out!”
I laughed. Because I didn’t know what else to do. I’d felt sick when he touched me. And I wasn’t even sure why. Because he’s not Miller. The nagging thought appeared out of nowhere and stuck. I liked dancing with Miller. Not some stranger at a seedy club. “I’m fine!” I yelled over the music, even though I was anything but. “Let’s dance!”
Amelia threw her hands in the air and then started to shimmy.
I laughed and started dancing too. The beat seemed to turn up around us and we all started singing along to the music. Heidi and Amelia were hilarious. They copied each other’s moves, each trying to make them more sexual than the other. It was impossible not to laugh.
I’d almost forgotten how it felt to be happy.
My body moved to the music. My heart beat along with the bass. It really had been a long time since I’d felt this good.
This was what living was.
Laughing.
Dancing.
Feeling empty. Damn it, not that last thing! I looked up at the strobe lights. I did feel that way, though. I felt empty. That was why I usually filled all my spare time with reading. So my thoughts couldn’t wander and stick to annoying things. Why couldn’t I just focus on dancing? Why were my thoughts so loud? Maybe it was the alcohol making my thoughts louder. I wanted to scream “shut up” at the top of my lungs.
Someone grabbed my waist from behind and kissed the side of my neck.
I remembered Miller kissing my neck like that. I closed my eyes for a second. It felt like he was here with me. And I’m pretty sure I smiled harder than I had in months. I didn’t feel empty when Miller was with me.
I moved my hips with his. It felt like dancing with a ghost. I wanted to cling to him. I didn’t want him to disappear again. I wanted to be locked up in a cage with him again. I wanted to go back to this summer. I wanted to let him kiss me. I wanted to let him in. I wanted to undo what I’d done.
He’d crept into my dreams at night. Slowly and steadily until I woke up most mornings panting. I pictured being curled up with him at the beach house. I pictured being brave enough to kiss him. And I pictured way more than that.
I was too tightly wound. I hadn’t been with anyone since Matt. And yet…I wasn’t dreaming about Matt. I ached for Miller. I wanted him in the sand. In the ocean water. In the bed. On the fucking floor. I didn’t care where we were. I just wanted him. It was like my subconscious knew exactly what I wanted. And apparently I wanted to spread my legs for Miller. Like I was starving for him. Like I needed him back.
But then he kissed my neck again.
My eyes snapped open. It wasn’t Miller. And I liked it a hell of a lot better when Miller did it. I pushed the guy off of me.
“Come on, we’re just dancing,” the guy said.
But I didn’t like being touched. Not by him. I thought about being curled up next to Miller in bed. Our limbs intertwined. I liked being touched by Miller. In real life and in my dreams.
The guy reached out for me again.
I took a step back.
“Don’t be a bitch,” the guy said. “We bought you drinks.”
I turned to Heidi and Amelia for help but they’d disappeared somewhere in the crowd.
The guy pulled me back toward him.
Panic rose in my chest. I didn’t like being touched. And I hated when people thought they could use me. Matt used me to make him happy for one season. My dad used me for a kidney. Everyone just used me.
The guy leaned down to kiss my neck again.
I didn’t want his lips on me. I didn’t want him anywhere near me. So I did the first thing that popped in my head…I kneed him hard right in the balls. I have no idea why. He wasn’t being that aggressive. I could have just walked away. But I really fucking hated being touched. It reminded me of being cut open. I didn’t like when people touched me without permission. I hated it.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he yelled.
I don’t know? Everything? I took a step back from him and then started running. I pushed my way through people dancing. I ran out of the club and took a deep breath of the stupid air that wasn’t quite right. Nothing was right.
I ran down onto the beach. I didn’t care that my Keds were getting sandy or wet. I didn’t care about anything at all. Or maybe I cared about everything a little too much.
I stared at the water and yelled as loud as I could. I screamed at the top of my lungs, just like I used to back at the beach house. But I wasn’t screaming because I was trapped now. I was screaming because I wasn’t. I wasn’t trapped. And I wanted to be trapped with Miller.