I’d felt this way once before. With Matt. I wasn’t discounting my first love. That had been real for me. And I’d dreamed of Christmases with Matt. I’d thought we’d spend every Christmas for the rest of our lives together. I’d wanted that. It was all I wanted. Until…it wasn’t. I thought a part of me would want to head to New York when I started driving. But I didn’t. I’d mourned that loss for months. It was almost like Matt was dead. Like I had to let him go. A piece of me would always love that boy. Always. It was love, I knew that. I loved him. But it was past tense. He’d moved on. He didn’t love me anymore. And I couldn’t afford to keep missing a boy who didn’t miss me back.
Because this feeling I was feeling now? I was in love again. And of course it was different. But it wasn’t any less. If anything, the feelings I had now were more all-consuming. It was scary how much my heart craved Miller. Especially because I knew how easily he could reject me.
What if it took me just a little too long to figure out I wanted him back?
What if I was too late?
The snow started falling harder. I leaned forward, straining my eyes to see through the fast pace of the windshield wipers and snowfall. It was so hard to see that I almost missed the next turn.
I slowed down so I wouldn’t miss his driveway. 2761. I looked down at my map even though I knew his address by heart. There had been so many times when I thought about writing a letter to him. Letting him know I was safe and missing him. But I was worried about the paper trail. And more worried that I couldn’t trust myself with his response. Or lack of response. It had kept me away longer than necessary. The unknown was terrifying.
I turned onto his driveaway and slowly made my way down the long path.
My tires skidded a little as I hit the brakes. I’d made it just in time before the roads became impassable.
As soon as I turned the car off, I shivered. I hadn’t packed any winter clothes. I hadn’t needed any in California. All I had was a raggedy old hoodie barely keeping me warm. I was wearing the same jeans that I now knew hugged my butt. And my Keds that were a little stained from sandy nights on the beach.
I was just…me. Several months ago, that had been good enough for Miller. But I wasn’t sure if it was enough now.
I sat in my car for a minute, watching the snow fall slowly in front of his house. It was exactly how I’d pictured his home. I’d chosen it mostly for the isolated location…acres and acres that belonged only to him. But also because the house reminded me of our beach house. It was smaller, but decked out in all the same beautiful features. It was like a miniature version plopped down in the middle of the woods. Because one person didn’t need that much space. Or…two people. Maybe. I swallowed hard.
I knew it would be beautiful in the summer. And the fall. And the winter and spring. It was picturesque. Was he in there with a cup of hot chocolate and a roaring fire? Was he curled up with someone new?
Panic was rising in my throat. If he turned me away…I had no idea where I would go. I had less than $50 to my name and no backup plan. And it was Christmas morning. This was a terrible idea.
But also the best idea.
Because it was Christmas. And I was hoping for a Christmas miracle. I hadn’t gotten him a present last year. But I came prepared this year. It was the reason why I only had $50 in my pocket. I’d wrapped the gift painfully slowly in a parking lot a few days ago. There was a huge red bow on top. It was festive. And I hoped he’d love it.
Even if he turned me away, I wanted him to have this. I wanted him to have a piece of me. Because he’d always have my heart.
I climbed out of the car with my present in tow. My Keds skidded a little in the snow and I was shivering when I reached his front door. I swallowed hard and rang the bell.
I forgot how quiet it was when it snowed. All I could hear in the silence was my own heart beating. Faster and faster. Usually I found the snow peaceful and serene. But when there was no answer…the silence felt heavy.
I knocked this time instead of ringing the bell.
Still no answer.
I looked across the lawn. It was like déjà vu. Was he around back? With another woman? My heart started racing faster in the silence.
No, he had to be inside. I put my present down on the front step and knocked harder.
No answer.
I peered into the window. There was a roaring fire in the fireplace. And a Christmas tree in the corner. Actually, it was decorated a lot like Miller had decorated the beach house last Christmas. It looked homey. It looked like my home. With him. But he was nowhere in sight.
The beautiful cozy room started to blur. I quickly wiped the tears from my cheeks. How had I fucked everything up so badly? I’d missed him for months and I’d stayed away. I’d walked away from him. It was too late. He’d never take me back now. How could he possibly still want me?
An unhappy person wouldn’t have decorated for Christmas. He was happy. He was happy without me. Of course he was. My stomach twisted in knots.
I thought I heard a noise. I moved away from the window and stared at the side of the house. Was that noise from the backyard? I could feel more tears welling in my eyes. I didn’t want to go back there. I didn’t want to see him with someone new.
And yet…I’d come all this way. I needed to know. My shoes crunched in the freshly fallen snow as I made my way around the side of the house.
The snow was falling so fast now that it was hard to see very far into the distance. If he was with another woman, I couldn’t tell. Hell, if he was even in his backyard at all, I couldn’t tell.
“Miller?” I called out.
There was no response. The wind picked up and made the snow dance all around me. I knew from the pictures that the lake was a little farther down. My sneakers slid in the snow again as I wandered down toward the lake. It was almost impossible to see now but…my feet froze.
It wasn’t anything like the scene I’d walked into at Matt’s house in the summer.
Miller was all alone. He was standing there with his back to me, staring out at the frozen lake. His hands were stuffed into his pockets and he was wearing the same Santa hat he had worn last year. But for some reason, it looked sad and deflated this year. Like all the magic and worn off.
He dropped his head like he was looking at the ground. Like the weight of the world was too heavy.
I knew that feeling. And for just a second, I watched him. Did he look that sad because of me? Because he missed me too?
I shivered. My hoodie was soaked from the snow. But I was pretty sure I was shaking because I was nervous. And excited. But mostly nervous. I willed my feet to keep moving. And when my right foot crunched a branch, Miller spun around.
I don’t know what I was expecting. A hug? A greeting? Something.
But he blinked and just stared at me…like he was imagining I was there.
I’d fucked everything up. I knew that. And all I wanted to do was apologize. I wanted him to know how much I’d missed him. How my body craved his touch. How I wanted to be his and only his. That I was ready to put him first.
We were still several feet away from each other. But he didn’t approach me. I felt my stomach twist further into knots. He couldn’t turn me away. I needed him. I loved him.
“Miller…” my voice cracked.
And it was like he snapped out of his daze. “Brooklyn?”