I was sick.
There was something wrong with my head.
My father had ruined me.
I screamed even louder.
Chapter 27
1 Month Later - Monday
I was pretty sure I knew what I needed to do. But I needed just a minute to sit with my thoughts. I stared out at the ocean and closed my eyes. The problem was, I could never clear my head. I thought about Miller constantly. Obsessively. I pictured him alone, missing me. I pictured him happy with someone else. The only constant was that I was picturing him. He was always in my head. Always on my mind.
I’d become complacent here for a while. I’d thought happiness was some bonus thing that some people got. But that was such bullshit.
I hated drinking. It made my head spin and my limbs feel heavy. But a month ago when I went out with Heidi and Amelia, I’d gotten clarity. The clarity I had been searching for. I wanted to be dancing with Miller. I wanted to keep dancing with Miller for the rest of my life. I wanted to be happy. It wasn’t a bonus thing. Happiness was living. It was the only thing that mattered at all.
But even though I’d come to that conclusion, I’d stayed here. As if time would change my mind. It hadn’t. My thoughts had settled. And now it was time to say goodbye.
The cold December breeze should have made me shiver. But I just stood there staring at the water. This was it. I was going to leave today. I had to.
I’d tried the living on my own thing. I’d given it a chance. And I’d come to the conclusion that I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I wasn’t happy here. I hadn’t been happy since I’d driven away from Miller.
Yes, I probably was sick in the head. No one should like being imprisoned. But I’d trade everything to go back to that beach house. I wished I’d chosen him. I’m pretty sure I let him go because he was too good to be true.
We’d been playing house. But somewhere over those months, I’d stopped pretending. It was real for me.
I pulled the picture of Matt out of my jeans pocket and stared down at his smiling face. A year ago today, we were supposed to be married. Last year, I’d been devasted. But this year?
Memories had a strange way of shifting around once something bad happened. Every day that passed made it harder for me to remember the good. I pictured Matt angry and disappointed at me more than I pictured him happy with me. And I pictured him with that brunette more than I pictured him with me. Something was probably wrong with my head. But several months of remembering the worst?
I stared out at the crashing waves. Of course I was still sad. I’d wanted to marry Matt when he’d asked. I had. I’d meant what I said when I promised him forever. But I’d also made promises to myself. I refused to let life pass me by in a meaningless blur. I wanted to start living again. And living missing someone else was no way to live. It took me a while to figure out the mess in my head. But I’d always known that my promises to myself were a lot more important than promises to someone else. Because I was the only one that was ever going to put myself first. I didn’t need another kidney to be stolen to learn that lesson.
Matt didn’t love me. I believe he had at one point, but he didn’t now. My heart hurt less every day I let that sink in. We weren’t an everlasting love. We weren’t. And this December 22nd hurt a lot less than the last. This one just felt…empty and meaningless. In a way I was relieved. It would have been a mistake to walk down the aisle when Matthew Caldwell’s love was fleeting. I’d dodged a bullet. At least, that’s what I liked to tell myself. It was for the best. And the more I told myself that, the more I believed it.
We may have never even made it to our one-year anniversary. Even if we were together, we may have drifted apart. So no, I wasn’t devasted as I stared out at the ocean. I was just disappointed in myself for forgetting the most valuable lesson I’d ever learned…to not take a single day for granted. What was the point of thinking of what could have been? Matt and I hadn’t happened. And we never would.
Today I was actually thinking more about Christmas than a wedding that never happened. Specifically, last Christmas when Miller had surprised me by cooking all my favorite things. I remembered his ridiculous Santa hat and how we’d laughed and danced all morning. It was perfect. He was perfect. He’d dipped me low to the music and I should have kissed him right there. I should have. But…I hadn’t.
It wasn’t necessarily a mistake. I was trying my best to be loyal. But if I knew what I did now…I would have put my happiness first. I knew that now.
I looked back down at the picture in my hand. When I stared at Matt’s face…all I saw was a teenage kid. A kid who didn’t know what forever meant. It wasn’t his fault. We were both dumb kids. But I didn’t want some boy with empty promises. I wanted a man who knew exactly what he wanted. I wanted Miller.
I knew it without a doubt in my mind. I dreamed of waking up next to him. Of running along the beach with him in the summer. Of raking leaves and jumping into them in the fall. Of hot cocoa mornings in the winter. And curling up and reading with him in the spring, with him sniffling because of his adorable spring allergies. I missed him so much it hurt. And it hurt every day even more.
I was happy I came here to give myself time. I did grow here. I grew stronger. I grew up.
My hair was blonde again. My cheeks were still hollow, but my appetite was back. I was healthy. And I knew how to be happy.
I just hoped I wasn’t too late. I let the breeze lift Matt’s picture out of my hand. It danced in the wind and landed in the ocean, where a wave crashed down on it.
Please don’t let me be too late.
Chapter 28
Thursday - Christmas
Christmas music played on the car radio and a light snow had started to fall. It had been four months since I watched Miller drive away from the beach house. He’d asked me to come with him. He told me he loved me. He asked me to choose him.
And I didn’t. I let him walk away. That last look in his eye haunted my dreams. I didn’t want to live a life of regret. But I did regret not going with him. I was pretty sure I’d regretted it every day I’d been on the west coast. The beach wasn’t the same without him. Life wasn’t the same without him. I knew that now. But what if I’d realized it too late?
I hit my blinker and took the exit off the highway. The snow was starting to fall faster now, and I hoped that I’d make it to Miller’s place before it became impossible to drive.
I also hoped that Miller was still at the lake house I’d arranged for him to go to.
What if he wasn’t?
Or what if he was and he’d moved on?
My dad had shown me pictures of Matt kissing other girls only a few months after I had “died.” Would Miller move on that quickly too?
I hadn’t stayed away to test him. I’d stayed away to figure out what I wanted. To make sure I was doing the right thing for me.
But I knew it was possible that Miller had found someone that was a better fit for him during that time. I’d abandoned him for months. And I knew I was replaceable. I’d seen it happen before.
Honestly, this whole thing was crazy. I was about to show up at Miller’s on Christmas morning and confess my love for him. Yeah, it was completely nuts. I’d told him I was choosing Matt. I didn’t even know how old Miller was. Hell, I didn’t even know his first name. But I did know that I was in love with him.