I thought releasing the toxicity would make me feel better. I thought it would take away the hurt, the hate, the turmoil I dealt with every fuckin’ day.
I was wrong.
So. Very. Wrong.
Tears welled up in his gaze as they did in mine. In one breath, I heard him reply, “Ditto.”
Causing the tears to fall outta my pain-stricken eyes. I winced, unable to hide my emotions from him. I’d spent the last twelve years trying to drink and drug them away.
Trying to drink and drug myself away.
Nothing compared to what that five-letter word meant. The one word that was capable of destroying what was left of me.
“What did I do,” I choked out with tears cascading down the sides of my face, “that has always made you hate me so goddamn much? All I’ve ever wanted was for you to accept me the way I am. I don’t understand. Make me understand, so when I walk outta here, I can leave you in my past. ’Cuz the memory of you is fuckin’ killin’ me inside. Do you understand?”
Two solitary tears rolled down his cheeks, and it was the first time I realized how much he’d aged after all these years.
“I didn’t mean that, Cash. You’re my boy, you’ll always be my boy. Except this man standin’ in front of me, I don’t know him. I thought the day you left was the worst day of my life.” He shook his head. “It wasn’t. This moment is. My son is in there somewhere, fightin’ a battle I spent eighteen years tryin’ to fight for him. I can’t save you. I can’t help you. I can’t even see you. Behind your hazel eyes is nothin’ but a rock star who’s a drunk and druggie. Now, do you understand me?”
“You’re wrong.”
“When’s the last time you didn’t drink, Cash? The last time you didn’t take somethin’ in order to feel nothin’? Huh? Tell me, when’s the last time you were sober?”
I didn’t have the chance to defend myself. My stare shifted toward the shadow on the wall by the stairs, locking eyes with the person I least expected for the second time tonight.
Little Miss Thang.
An angel of light in the darkness of my life.
Chapter 12
“Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means standing alone.”
-Andy Biersack
<>Journey<>
I came here on pure instinct alone. A gut-wrenching intuition that Cash would go to his childhood home. It was a feeling I couldn’t ignore or overlook. When I didn’t hear from him for several hours during Bailey’s birthday party, I got worried he’d left town without so much as a goodbye.
He wouldn’t do that to me, not after the last week we’d spent together. There was no way to get ahold of anyone. I didn’t have Cash’s number to find him, or his bandmates’ cell phone numbers to call in reinforcement. I was at a loss with the man who, a few hours prior to what I refer to as the stupidest decision of my existence, had asked me to marry him.
I had the worst anxiety that something bad was going to happen, worse than what I already allowed to begin with. My stomach was queasy, and my chest felt like it was caving in on me. The panic caused by my actions was sitting heavy on my ribcage.
I told everyone goodbye. Point blank lying to their faces, saying I had to catch the redeye flight back to school. It wasn’t like I could tell them the truth, and I knew Jackson and Harley wouldn’t call me out on it. They didn’t want anyone to know Cash was in Oak Island, or why he was there in the first place.
Before I knew it, my Uber was pulling up to Cash’s parents’ home as the sun set behind the trees. My eyes quickly darted to the front door, slightly cracked open. Instantly, I knew I’d been right all along.
Cash was there, and that meant a war was coming.
My feet moved on their own, until I was standing at the bottom of the staircase inside.
Sound came from the room on the right, and I heard Cash choke out, “What did I do?” I could tell by the tone of his voice he was crying, only twisting the dagger in my heart a little further.
I didn’t want to eavesdrop. However, I didn’t have a choice in the matter. My feet were glued to the wood floor beneath me, holding me hostage where I shouldn’t be. Making me experience something that should have remained private. What he said next nearly set me over the edge.
“What has always made you hate me so goddamn much? All I’ve ever wanted is for you to accept me the way I am. I don’t understand. Make me understand, so when I walk outta here, I can leave you in my past. ’Cuz the memory of you is fuckin’ killin’ me inside. Do you understand?”
Fresh tears rimmed my eyes. I felt responsible for this. If I hadn’t insisted he come back with me, this wouldn’t be happening.
He wouldn’t be hurting because of me.
Neither one of them would be.
“I didn’t mean that, Cash.” His father’s tone broke my heart just as much as Cash’s did. This was a mess. A mess I started.
“You’re my boy, you’ll always be my boy. Except, this man standin’ in front of me, I don’t know him. I thought the day you left was the worst day of my life. It wasn’t. This moment is. My son is in there somewhere, fightin’ a battle I spent eighteen years tryin’ to fight for him.”
Why did you do this, Journey? Why?
I was too little to understand how deep their broken relationship truly was. Blind to the fact Cash’s life wasn’t as perfect as it seemed, until the night he said goodbye to me on the beach. After he left, his parents mourned him like their son had died. I didn’t comprehend the extent of the damage they’d caused to one another until this past week.
Being front and center in the life he lived behind closed doors.
Was his father right? Did Cash have a problem?
“I can’t save you. I can’t help you. I can’t even see you. Behind your hazel eyes is nothin’ but a rock star who’s a drunk and druggie. Now do you understand me?”
“You’re wrong,” Cash was quick to reply, heightening the unease that took residence in my body.
“When’s the last time you didn’t drink, Cash? The last time you didn’t take somethin’ in order to feel nothin’? Huh? Tell me, when’s the last time you were sober?”
I wanted to know the answer to that question probably just as much as his father did. I waited on pins and needles for him to respond, but his eyes shifted toward the edge of the stairs, right where I was standing.
“Junie,” he coaxed, causing his father to spin and find me there as well.
“I’m sorry, I... I mean... I... the door was open.” I shook my head, trying to get my thoughts in order to make any sense. “Not that it excuses my intruding. I didn’t—”
“We best get outta here before Detective McGraw arrests us for breakin’ and enterin’.”
I frowned, my stomach sinking to the ground.
“Cash.” His dad grabbed his arm as he sidestepped him. “She’s just a kid,” Dylan whispered faintly. I could barely hear him.
“She’s legal. Still can’t arrest me, old man.”
“She’s family, Cash. Don’t drag her down wit’ you.”
We both jerked back.