Slowly, I leaned back onto my knees, raising my arms up in the air in a surrendering gesture. “You gonna lower that Glock, Pops?”
His eyes widened, realizing his gun was aimed right in between my eyes. He didn’t hesitate, bringing it down to his side.
“Well, hello to you too, old man,” I strained in a tone he wouldn’t appreciate. Tugging the hair away from my face, I stumbled to stand. Never breaking eye contact with him.
“You’re drunk,” he stated from across the room, once I found my footing.
“That’s the first thing you’re gonna say to me?! After all this time?! All these years?!” I roared, suddenly pissed as shit. “That’s the first words you’re gonna say to me, yeah?!”
He shook his head with pure and utter disappointment. “Look at you. Just look at you! You have all the money in the world, and you look and smell like you’re fuckin’ homeless! How much have you drank today, Cash? Considerin’ it’s only seven o’clock.”
“Wow,” I breathed out, blown away by the harsh words he spewed at me. Feeling like I was in a time warp, as if I’d never left in the first place. “I mean, you just keep throwin’ blow after blow, huh? It’s like you never lowered your gun.”
“I just got home and rushed upstairs. I thought you were an intruder. What are you doin’ here?”
“Wit’ cops like you on the force, I’d imagine you have that kind of thing under control. Unless maybe your slippin’ in your old age.”
“What on earth would possess you to sneak in through a window? I could have shot you!”
“If you think I came here to see you, then you’re dead fuckin’ wrong. Trust me, old man, you’re the last person I wanted to see.”
“Did you come here lookin’ for somethin’ to take?”
“Are you for real? I’m not a fuckin’ criminal!”
“Really? Tell that to your rap sheet. You’ve been arrested for breakin’ and enterin’ before. A couple of times actually.”
I scoffed out, “I know you didn’t wanna see me when I lived here, but I’ll be damned if you stand there and act like you don’t know I could buy this entire fuckin’ town!”
He shook his head. “Still got your head up your ass, I see. You can’t even think for one second ’bout how this might affect anyone else. How your actions cause a ripple effect in our family.”
“No! It was your fuckin’ actions the day you decided to lay your son out in front of the entire city!”
“Why did you come here, Cash? To torture me? To hurt me? To get your mom upset? I’m glad she stayed behind at the Pierces’ party. She isn’t here to see her son, once again, drunk as shit wit’ no respect for anyone! Not even himself!”
With the way he said Pierces’ party, I could tell he didn’t have a clue about who Bailey belonged to. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disheartened by that. It shouldn’t have surprised me, though. My father was oblivious to who I was my whole life. Why I expected him to feel a connection to his granddaughter was beyond me.
He didn’t leave from the spot he was cemented to by the door. We may have been only a few feet apart, but there were thousands of miles between us. The farthest distance between two people would always be pride. He didn’t want me here, that much I was sure of.
Proving my point, he added, “While you pretend we don’t exist, you’re still a reflection of our family. Every headline, every rumor, every time you end up on the news, it affects us all! You’re exactly the man I warned you ’bout. You’re everythin’ I prayed to God you wouldn’t be! Do you have any idea what your debauchery has put us through?! Do you even fuckin’ care? Obviously not, or else you wouldn’t show up here wasted, proud as fuck. Expectin’ me to be happy my son is nothin’ but a fuckin’ drunk!”
“I ain’t a drunk,” I bit though a clenched jaw.
“Keep tellin’ yourself that, Cash. Let’s see how long it takes until I read ’bout you bein’ in rehab. Honestly, I’m more shocked it hasn’t happened yet. You can pretend and hide behind your awards, your money, your success, but I know you, and that shit doesn’t make you happy. So drink away your feelins’. Go right ahead and fall down another bottle of Jack, ’cuz I’m tellin’ you right here, right now ... I don’t ever wanna see you like this ever again. Unless you came here to tell me you need help in gettin’ sober, I suggest you leave the way you came into my house. Like nothin’ but a goddamn coward.”
That night, I learned a cruel lesson. One I wouldn’t understand until it was too late.
“So that’s it? You think you get to just judge and shit all over me, and ask me to go? No. That ain’t how this is gonna go down. I may drink, but I don’t got a fuckin’ problem. I can stop whenever I want.”
“Bull—”
“No! You got your chance to spit your poison. I ain’t that little boy who’s gonna cower and hide when you get mad. You don’t own me. You don’t control me. You sure as fuck don’t know me. Listen when I tell you—I ain’t no drunk!”
“Alright, just an addict?”
“Fuc—”
“Cash, stop actin’ like we don’t love you! Stop actin’ like I don’t love you! It’s ’cuz we love you that we had to let you go! Do you think it’s been easy on us all these years? You have no idea what you put us through! All the nights we worried if you were dead or alive! All the holidays you weren’t there to celebrate! All the birthdays you missed out on, both yours and ours! All the times we wished you were there wit’ us!”
“Like you were even thinkin’ ’bout me!”
“You’re my son, Johnny Cash McGraw! I’m your father! I’m always thinkin’ ’bout you! Don’t you ever fuckin’ forget that!”
I grabbed the first thing I could reach and chucked it at his head. “I fuckin’ hate you! Do you hear me?” As expected, his reflexes were quick. He ducked, and the picture frame hit the door behind him. Glass shattered in every direction, resembling my heart he ruthlessly kept breaking.
I knew who he was and what he stood for. I hated him. Nevertheless, I hated myself more.
Why did I come here? Why did I put myself through this? Why did it still hurt so damn much?
It was as if I was a child all over again, wanting his father to listen, to care, to pay attention to him. The feeling was by far the worst I’d felt since abandoning Bailey. I couldn’t get him to see me. To truly see his son who was standing in front of him, craving his love. The saying ‘Time heals all wounds’ was complete bullshit. The years passed us by in the blink of an eye, and there we were, still standing on opposite sides.
I wasn’t a drunk or an addict. I could stop if I wanted to, and I’d prove it to him. Simply to shut him the fuck up.
“I remember!” I shouted from deep within my core. My voice echoing off the walls, loud and clear.
He stood, mirroring my heated stance. “Get outta my house! NOW!”
“Don’t worry, Pops, I already got one foot out the door.” In three long, determined strides, I was standing inches from him. Needing to say one last thing to his face. I glared profoundly into his eyes, stating the truth I felt in my heart and soul for my entire life. “I remember who you are, but fuck ... do I wish I could forget you’re my father.”