I shook my head, he wasn't understanding.
Fifty-One
My chest ached. I didn't want him to make these decisions because of my tears. I wanted him to make them based on his own feelings and experiences, the way I had.
"Don't. Don't do that. Don't give up what you love for me," I argued.
"It is done. I am selling World Cup."
Goose bumps broke out over my arms. He made it sound like he was so sure about it.
"It's too late for that," I said miserably. "I'm going alone."
The look on his face had me drowning in grief. Kova hung his head between his shoulders. I could feel his suffering pouring into me and it was wrecking my heart. I walked over to him. He wrapped his arms around the small of my back and hugged me so tight I could feel the subtle shake under his muscles.
"I do not want to live without you."
My eyes closed shut, seeping with tears. "Our love makes me sicker, Kova."
My face was folded into the column of his neck as he gave me a hug. Kova didn't respond for a long minute, maybe two. He was sinking in anguish with me. We stayed in each other's arms as reality fell upon us.
Our love made me sicker. Our love ultimately tore us apart.
I wiped away the tears under my eyes and took a deep breath. His suffering mimicked mine and it made this that much tougher. Kova's gaze was glossy, brimming with dread.
"I know it is selfish of me to try to stop you, but love is selfish, and, Malysh, I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love you. If you are leaving, then so am I."
My stomach clenched. The words I longed to hear were too late.
Shaking my head, I was brutally honest. "I don't want you to come with me."
He didn't blink. He didn't even move for a long moment. His lips pressed together and he subtly nodded his head. His form became blurry in front of me.
"Can I at least take you to the airport?"
I sniffled. "Yes."
Cupping the sides of my face, Kova bent down. My hands found his hips just as he pressed one last kiss to my lips.
"Just know that this is not what I want. It is going to be the biggest challenge of my life to see you walk away, but I will. I will give you what you want and hope our love only grows from the distance into something that will force us to come together and be impossible to walk away from again one day."
He kissed me hard, then briskly pulled back and spun around. Kova didn't stop, not even when he flung the door open and marched out with my heart did he turn around and look back at me.
"Tell me I'm doing the right thing," I cried into the phone a couple minutes later. "Because if I am, why does it hurt so bad?"
The first thing I did was call Avery. I could barely see the screen from the fat warm tears pouring out of me to find her name. The waterworks were turned up high and I was hiccupping into the phone.
"You had one job, and you ended up screwing your coach." A sad laugh escaped me at her dry humor. "What happened?"
I sniffled and pulled my knees up to my chest, nestling further into the corner of my couch. I stared out the sliding glass door at the swaying palm trees, rewinding the story from the beginning for Avery. I broke down multiple times and asked her repeatedly if I was making a mistake. She insisted it was par for the course and encouraged me not to feel bad about it.
"You're doing the right thing. It takes courage to defy your heart. If your health wasn't in jeopardy, then I'd say you need to give yourselves a fighting chance. But I can't. There's too much at stake, and if Kova did anything to risk your progress, I would personally kill him."
My teeth worried my bottom lip. "It just feels… I don't know…" My voice was distant.
"It's going to feel like that for a long time," Avery said, knowing what I meant.
I was nauseous. My nerves were so bad I felt like they were burning a hole through the lining of my stomach. How long was a long time? He hadn't even been gone for more than an hour and I wanted to run to him.
"I told him he could take me to the airport."
Avery groaned.
"What does that mean?"
"It means there's a ninety-nine percent chance you're going to change your mind now. I kind of wish you didn't agree." She half joked, half laughed. "Tomorrow when the movers are at your house, all you're going to be thinking about is saying goodbye to Kova the following day. That anticipation is going to build and you're going to give in."
"Maybe I'm supposed to cave." I countered. "Everywhere I look, I see him. I smell him. I feel him, Ave. My heart is saying don't do it." I was drowning in heartache and beginning to doubt my choice now.
"Now's not the right time to think with your heart, chica. Look at where your heart's taken you the last few years," she said sympathetically. "Yeah, you're essentially walking away from someone who can never be replaced. You'll never have what you have with Kova with someone else. And you know what? You don't want it with anyone else. So in a way, you're walking away with assurance that this is how it's supposed to be for now, and that one day it will be worth it because there isn't a world that exists where you two aren't together."
My stomach was churning into tighter knots. "This is going to suck," I muttered.
"Tomorrow when the movers are there, just call me. Call me eighty-seven times if you have to. I just want you to think first before you make any decision."
"I will. Do you think he'll show up tomorrow?"
"I think when you told him everything, including your love is making you sicker, that put shit into perspective for him. Aid, even I felt that, and I don't even love you like that." We both laughed. "But you know why it hurt when I felt it? Because it's the damn truth and it fucking sucks. Kova knows that, that's why he didn't argue with you. So, no, I don't think he'll show up."
"Aren't we too young to feel heartache like this?" I joked, then rubbed at the tightness in my chest. Wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, I sat up a little straighter and exhaled.
"I'm learning that there are no rules in the game of love." Avery was wistful.
"I'm forfeiting now."
We both laughed again then said our goodbyes, with a promise that I'd call her first thing tomorrow. I was still suck in the corner of the couch with no will to get up.
Slouching down, I clicked on the picture icon on my phone and scrolled through photos I'd saved of Kova and me, looking for a specific one. I didn't have many, but I had enough that even in spite of my broken heart it still held memories I never wanted to forget.
I stopped scrolling when I found it. I stared, unblinking at the image that brought tears to my eyes. Only, I wasn't looking at just the image. I pictured myself standing in the room watching the pair take a selfie together. They were at ease with each other and I found myself longing for it. She was a tiny, happy thing snuggled in his strong arms. He was protective over her, though she didn't know it yet. Laid back and in love were a few words I'd use to describe the feeling on his face as he lifted the phone, and with a few clicks, he captured this photo.