I stood there frozen unsure of what to do or say watching her walk away. The pain of her truth wounded me. Crippled me. Emotionally she fell in love with another man and to me that was worse than her physically cheating. He’d always have a place in her heart. Always be a random thought. A song would come on and the lyrics might trigger a memory of him. Going to a restaurant and ordering a certain dish would trigger a memory of him.
Besides being court ordered to stay here, I had a lot of soul searching to do. Men, our pride showed ugly when the woman we loved stepped out and found love in another. We could do the same and expect forgiveness, but have it done to us, we became fragile like a porcelain doll.
Krishna had to find it in her heart to forgive me for leaving her. Forgive me for asking for a divorce and not putting her first. I had to forgive Krishna for loving another man that wasn’t me.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure if the fight was worth it.
Krishna
For the last week temptation had been hard to ignore. My level of resistance had become less and less easy to manage as the days passed. Andrea and I were in this level of acceptance in our sessions. When I broke the news to her that I saw Amell and spewed my ugly truth, she asked if I felt better. Asked if it helped soothe the pain that refused to leave my heart. I told her no. Told her that it only intensified the ache of missing him. Seeing Amell out there in the river, meditating and at peace, I wanted to ruin it.
So, I told him about Beau. Here I was tossing and turning all night because my mind was confused. Torn between missing Beau and wanting Amell. I missed him and I wasn’t sure which him it was.
“Good morning, Krishna.” Whenever Andrea walked it’s like she glided on clouds with a halo glowing over her head.
“Good morning, Andrea. I’m here. Dressed in black like we’re going to a funeral.” Yesterday after our discussion she asked that I wear black today. I hadn’t packed anything but summer colors. When I got to my room to see what I might be able to put together, there was a black box on my bed with shoes and a dress inside.
She extended her hand out to me. “Today is going to be a lot. Very emotional and different. Do you trust me, Krishna?”
Instantly this warmness filled my stomach. I stood before her in a black knee length dress and heels. Was she about to lead me to my own funeral? I hope we weren’t about to do one of those hypothetical situations where they placed your loved one in a casket and asked you to say the words you never got to say while they were here.
Amell dying. God, I couldn’t handle that.“I trust you.” I squeezed her hand, earning a bright smile. “Great. Follow me.” With my hand secured in hers we walked out of her office and down the halls.
I kept turning around, looking left and right trying to find someone. At any moment of the day there were at least several people coming and going up and down the corridors. There was no one but the echoes of our heels clicking along the tile floors.
We made it outside and down the pathway that led to the garden. A place I found myself sitting in everyday for hours at a time. The smell of fresh flowers and the heat of the sun, it was the best part of my day after having heavy sessions. “Wh-what is going on, Andrea?” I tried to remove my hand, but she held on tight.
All the staff members and other folks here for healing were all seated in a circle dressed in black. In the middle of the circle stood Andre with Amell next to him. Both men handsomely wore black suits. We continued walking and I noticed that everyone had a somber look in their eyes. Some were wiping tears and others gave me encouraging smiles.
Who died? “Oh my god,” I gasped, taking in the pictures propped up on the easel next to Amell. Two pictures. A picture of my mother in Africa smiling on my father’s birthday. A picture of the sonogram Keatyn gave to me of our unborn child.
“It’s time that we give your mother and our child a proper burial. Pacino had your mother cremated. These are her ashes. Keatyn provided the sonogram. Grieve as you need to, Krishna. Mourn them.” I hung my head.
The next half hour went by in a blur. As if they knew my mother and child, Andrea and her brother gave them a memorial that kept me in tears. Andre narrated the eulogy and Andrea sang a beautiful song that only made me sob harder. During it all Amell sat next to me. Cradling me in his arms, wiping my tears, and making me fall deeper in love with him.
He planned everything. He planned it all.
“Remember, to be absent from the body means to be present with the Lord. Your baby, your mother; both are smiling down on you. Hold on to your memories. We set up a small repass in the dining hall. If you both feel up to it come on by. Take the rest of the day and focus on each other.” Andrea hugged us before leaving with her husband and brother in tow.
I waited until we were alone before I spoke to him. “Why? Why did you do all of this?” I asked with unfair aggression. His act came at the right time. Reading over the email my mother sent me hours before Miguel killed her, I felt like giving up. Felt like life had a target on my back.
Amell released the buttons of his blazer. Took it completely off and hung it on the back of my chair. I don’t think I’d ever fall out of love with him. I don’t think I’d ever stop being attracted to him. During the service he held one of my hands and caressed my knee with the other. We’ve always had that magnetic attraction. Always had to touch each other when in the same room.
Whether it be a kiss to my forehead or a rub along his arms, we touched constantly. Chocolate had always been my weakness and Amell donned it with such dominance.
“Your spirit is broken by the sorrow of your heart. Grieve, Krishna. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be vulnerable. Lean on me and I’ll be your strength.” He tried holding my hand but I snatched it away.
“I appreciate this. I really do but we aren’t there yet.” Lies. “What the…why did you just lick my face?” Sweet mother of god. This man was determined to break me down.
Licking my face though… He shrugged, relaxed in his chair with his legs stretched out. “I wanted to feel your pain and the best way to do that is to drink your tears. Your pain is deep.
I wanna know what you’re feeling.” Crazy I tell you. “I miss you, Gazelle.” I missed him more. “You got a fucked-up way of showing it,” I spewed out. “I apologized for leaving you, Krishna. What more do you want me to say? What else do you want me to do?”
“Stop caring. How about you try that.” I never wanted him to stop caring for me though. It felt good to argue with him. Felt good to hold a conversation with him. “I’ll always care about you. It’s my responsibility to care for you. Take care of all your needs as your man.”
“Oh word,” I laughed, wiping my last tear. “This is how you want to play this? Fine. Well, said man, you left me out here to defend for myself. It was forget me you selfish asshole.”
Those onyx menacing eyes had the nerve to roll. “Stop being a rottenness to my bones and be a crown to me. Talk to me like a reasonable adult.”
My heart fluttered. I had to keep this up no matter how much I began to pine over him. “Never will you ever get that type of devotion from me. You don’t deserve it or me. How can you constantly tell Cassian that his heart is perverse and you despise him when you done worse than him? I loathe you. I’m the one covered in shame because you forgot to include me in your plans knowing I’d do any and everything to protect you and those you loved. How much more am I to do to prove my place in your life?” My chest raised and fell from the heavy breathing it took to say all of that without breaking down.