“Atlas married Keatyn. Cassian managed to fall in love with Noelani. Everyone around him had found love. Had managed to do the unthinkable. His life revolved around his brothers and when they started having families of their own, started making moves that didn’t include him, he panicked and wanted to secure the only thing in his reach to make sure he wouldn’t be alone. I can’t even say if he married me because he genuinely wanted to spend the rest of his life with me or because I made it easy to fill the lonely void.”
I knew my husband more than he thought I did. His need to be so mysterious and keep things bottled up, I read him like a damn book because my life mission since sixteen had been to know him through and through.
Did Amell love me? Yes.
Did he feel like I was his person? The one God created just for him?
I don’t think so. If that were true then why was it so easy for me to fall in love with Beau?
“Thank you for being honest with me, Krishna. I know none of this is easy and I won’t lie and say that it will get easier. Thank you for trusting me to help you.” Andrea stood before me with her hands outstretched. “Can I pray for you?” Instead of placing my hands in hers I hugged her.
When she stiffened I jumped back. “Oh my God, Andrea. I’m so sorry. I forgot about your sensitivity to touch.” My hands trembled over my lips as more tears poured. I’m such a damn mess.
Andrea gave me a nervous smile before closing her eyes. “I’m okay with hugs from friends. Next time please ask so I can prepare for your touch. Holding hands is hard enough.” She hesitantly held her arms out. “Try again.”
This time I moved slow and let her close the hug. Being wrapped in her arms, having her pray on my behalf in my ear, I felt selfish releasing my burden of tears on her shoulder. She prayed and I cried. She rubbed my back in a soothing manner and I cried harder.
Once she finished, I was exhausted emotionally and spiritually. I went by the dining hall and grabbed a fruit bowl, tea, and cheesecake. What I wanted was to take a nice hot bath while I ate my cheesecake and before bed. On my way to my side of the river I scanned the other side just to see if by chance he was out there.
Right as I made it to my building door, I spotted his tall, hulky build. My warrior. I missed him something awful.
He stood by the edge of the river with his head down, shoulders slumped. I wanted to drop everything in my hand and run to him. Hold his head close to my bosom and promise to be all that he needed to heal. This man was the keeper of my heart. Why was loving him so complicated?
Chapter 23
Amell
Marrying Krishna, though I loved her more than I ever imagined me being capable of doing; the act and vows were done out of fear. A fear of the one good thing in my life being snatched away by another man who could give her the frills of romance she wanted and desired. My selfish actions proved to not be foolproof seeing Beau kiss her. He was the man I feared taking her from me. He represented everything I would never be.
Committing to Krishna had nothing to do with my insecurities. I’d always been faithful. I never been the type of man to have a bed full of women. Loving her, she made that come easy. I opened myself enough to satisfy her into being vulnerable with me. My insecurities of needing her showed easily, but she never paid attention.
When I asked for her hand in marriage, I took away one of her insecurities I changed her last name to mine. The last name of her father.
On her birth certificate and every identification, she ever possessed always had Krishna Edwards. The last name of her uncle. By changing her last name, I gave her what she always gave me, reassurance of her place in my life and my heart. Not having her family's last name brought on unspoken issues and sadness that she never talked about.
I fixed it. She reassured me that I’d never be alone. I reassured her that she was a part of my family.
This was all new for me, not being in control. Krishna was just a half a mile away and I had yet ventured over to that side of the river to see her. Any other time you couldn’t keep me from her. A month has passed, and I haven’t attempted to.
My mind drifted in too many circles for me to face my biggest fears. Pride kept me away. I kept telling myself that she had moved on with someone else, but something so forceful kept me here fighting for our marriage with these counselors. Being at the center brought a welcoming sense of peace. What I loved most except the food was the river and how the moon sat right about it. Tonight, was a full moon and I waited until sleep covered the center before stepping out. Only thing missing was the rain.
Eyes closed, waist length deep in the river, I stood meditating and talking to God. Praying and asking for forgiveness for how I treated Krishna. God said to love my wife as Christ loves the church. I failed at doing that.
My heartbeat slowed. Muscles became laxed. The moon shined brighter and I knew that was only because she had come out to join me. I listened to the water gliding against her skin as she made her way to me. With my head hung to the center of my chest, I waited for her arrival. Together in the river, standing side by side, we were quiet. Listening to the river calm around us. Listening to nature.
I wanted her closer to me. Wanted to feel her arm brush against my arm. She stayed an arm reach away and that made me ache worse. “Gazelle.”
“Shh.” She hushed me. “One, you don’t get to call me that. Two, you listen to me or I’ll go back to my room. Do you understand?” It was probably wrong to be turned on at this moment, but she bossed up on me. I liked that shit. “Yes, ma’am. I’m all ears.”
“I met Beau six months after you went to prison.” I groaned inwardly that she wanted to have this conversation right now when I was trying to enjoy my moment of meditation. “I was in Virginia stopping through for the night. Ended up at a liquor store and he was there. We talked and had dinner. He asked me to travel with him and I did. I was tired of crying over you. Tired of wondering when I was going to wake up from the nightmare you placed me in. Quickly, almost in a destined fate, we became each other’s comfort in our mourning.” She moved closer. Stepping into my line of vision.
Dressed in a white linen night gown that was now soaked, I never seen her so angelic. Even her lazy eyes peering up at me with lackluster feelings, she was beautiful. Her hair blew in the wind, giving me a whiff of her honey and oats smell.
“We never had sex. He knew all about you. I told him everything. Told him how you captured my heart and how I’ve been crazy about you. Told him how we’ve been cruising to our beat of love for over fifteen years. Told him that you were it for me. That I’d never love another man how I loved you. He respected me. Then I fell in love with him. Falling in love with him was so natural.” She looked off wiping a lone tear.
“He became a dear friend in my time of need. A confidant with my box of secrets. We shared intimate moments of kissing, him feeding me, lying in bed together. He cared for me when I never asked. He loved me when I didn’t deserve it. He loved me so much that he helped me set you free.” Seeing her stand before me crying over another man felt like my heart had been snatched out my chest.
“Now you know. That’s the history and the truth. You can do with it whatever you choose. Oh, and Albert Doggett. He’s the man who victimized Odom while in prison. You’re welcome.”