I kept repeating myself with Amell because he needed to understand that I felt a certain type of way. I wanted his chest to swell with fear each time our paths crossed. For his steps to be unsure from walking on needles. Most might call my actions of taking advantage of his sensitive state wrong who cares. I liked seeing Amell sweat.
“Lying lips isn’t very becoming of you.” He made sure that our eyes were locked when he called my bluff. “And neither is a scared man. A slothful uncommunicative man.” “Check your heart, you sound bitter.”
He definitely knew how to make me laugh. “No, I sound mad and hurt.” Watching him cringe at the heaviness of my mirth made my chest swell. “Stop laughing it sounds sorrowful.” He gave me a steel glare. “I’m curious to know, Gazelle.” The tips of his fingers glided up and down my exposed thigh. “The lot of Jeremy’s problems were cast in my lap and I disposed of them the only way I knew how. Are you telling me that I should’ve allowed him to suffer? Choose him over you?”
I hated when he played these mind games. When have I ever said that I wanted him to choose? Since the beginning all I been screaming for him to do is include me. That’s it. Just make me a part of his plans. Isn’t that what married couples are supposed to do? Include the other person. I just want Amell to include me in his world.
“Please, for the love of God, stop putting words in my mouth. Damn.” My fist squeezed as I yelled not caring who heard me.
“Watch your tongue, Gazelle. You’re on the verge of saying something you will regret by giving it power. When a man thinketh it, it’s in his heart. You hate me, I get that.” He stood, moving in front of me until all I saw was him. “I want you. You’re the only person who makes me feel all the things I thought I was too damaged to feel. Can I ask you a question?” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Yeah.”
“When we would part from each other. Leave for the day and go on about our business. Ever noticed that I never said goodbye even after we’ve gotten off the phone?” My teeth bit into my top lip as my body became overly warm. “I never tell you goodbye, Krishna, because I’m afraid that you’ll leave me. Goodbye is me bearing you fair well, never seeing you again or don’t have a care to.
Regardless of what I’ve done, our friendship, the solid ground we built first withstands it all. Meaning that you’re supposed to love me at all times. Take away my strength, my valor, and everything else that makes people fear me and I’m still a man. Take away my brothers and my family, I’m still a man.” He knelt down clasping my hands in his. “Take away God’s hand on my life, take away your love I am nothing.” He stood pulling me up with him.
“Love is kind. Love suffereth long. Love doesn’t envy. Love never fails.” My body quaked at the feel of his hands cupping my face. We were eye to eye. Forehead to forehead. I’m sure he felt the forceful beat of my heart. “I can’t turn back the hands of time. I can’t rewind time and do things different. What I can do is ask for your forgiveness and pray that you find it in your heart to forgive me. I’m sorry for hurting you, Gazelle. I’m sorry for not being there. I’m sorry for every tear you shed. Give me one last chance. One chance to correct my wrongs. I can’t lose you too.”
There was a tingling in the pit of my stomach. My heart jolted and pulse pounded. From the moment my eyes ever landed on Amell he unlocked my soul. We stood so close that I felt his heart thudding against my own. Two hearts wavering in war of who is right and who is wrong. That explained the tangible bond between us. A purely sensual experience that I wanted to taste every day of my life.
My calm shattered with the hunger of his first kiss, and boy was it sweet. Almost three years. Three years since I kissed this man.
His kiss sent new spirals of ecstasy through me. Our tongues wrestled. His demanding lips caressed me. This time my tears came from a place of longing and burning. That brick wall guarding my heart, it came down in pillars. Each kiss a memory flashed in my mind.
Over twenty years of memories. The times we loved. The times we danced. The times we fought. The times we prayed. The times we laughed. The times we created.
“I know we lost a lot.” He placed his palm over my womb. The feel of his touch, the symbolism of it all, my legs gave out and he caught me before my knees met the ground. “Our creation has passed on. You had to endure all that by yourself. I wasn’t there when you needed me. I put my selfishness before you and for that I’m so sorry. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”
“I’m afraid to trust you again, Amell. Nothing about you is normal. How do I know you won’t do the same thing, leaving me while you fight everyone else’s battles by yourself? Am I supposed to wait for another call or card in the mail? We are married, Amell. We said vows and you pretty much shitted on them and me. Am I supposed to forget all of that?”
“No, Gazelle.” He leaned his head on mine. “All I ask is forgiveness and a second chance. I love you and I won’t stop fighting for you.
Chapter 24
Amell
“Have you ever considered that you suffer from PTSD from your childhood trauma?” Andrea’s eyes had yet to lift from the notepad she took notes on. “I’d also say you’re currently suffering from depression.” A quick sob and rounds of sniffles silenced the room. “Are you comfortable?” Andrea’s eyes finally lifted, bouncing from me to Krishna. “I know this is weird to you but I promise there is a method to my madness.”
Four months in and we finally advanced from one on one sessions to group. Each day that passed I’d asked a staff member if Krishna was still here, and they’d politely smile and ease the weary of my heart and tell me yes. I never thought she’d stay past a week. Here we were four months into my eleven months stay and she hadn’t left yet. Her issues were nowhere as complex as mine. Krishna stayed because she didn’t want me to have to be here by myself.
Since I’ve been here she’s been screaming that all I needed to do was to communicate and include her. Not take the choice away from her. Right now her actions were showing; she’d always be by my side.
“Take deep breaths. Try to breathe in sync if you can.” Andrea had Krishna and I sitting back to back. “Close your eyes and feel the rise and fall of how the other is breathing.”
Today Krishna wore an olive-green maxi dress with colorful wedge heels. When she stepped into the room with her hair pulled on top of her head in a messy bun and lips covered in pink gloss it took everything in me to not turn into an animal and rip her clothes to shreds. She smelled like flowers. She was teasing me. Wanted to show me what I was missing.
Our breathing synced almost instantly. At first her deep breaths were released in skittish breaths. I started to relax and lean back into her, I wanted her to feel my energy. Feel my strength so she knew that she was safe.
“I know this is difficult for you to hear but it’s needed to move forward not only in your progression here but also in your marriage. Now, since we’re friends and all, I need to say this; I’ve never met such stubborn souls in all my young years.” That laugh was definitely needed to lighten the mood. “Krishna, you’ve been stoic in a lot of our sessions, and I don’t like that. Amell, I praise your growth. I love your honesty to be open and expressive. Krishna, the main thing that you’ve been adamant about is getting your point across about Amell not choosing you, am I right?” Her body trembled as she began taking shallow breaths. “Ye-yes.”