Did we need boundaries?
Shouldn’t we start slow?
“Yes. Are you okay with that?” I glanced up at his larger than life physic, admiring his raven black skin and onyx eyes. Beauty was his name. A true masculine, handsome beauty.
“That’s fine with me.”
I thought the assignment Andrea gave us was going to be easy. Seeing him every day after not at all, Amell’s aura had the mastery to make me forget about the past. However, once I went to my sessions with Andrea, she brought forth so many emotions. I’m exhausted.
I don’t know whether to forgive and move on or listen to the recordings of my jukebox expired complaints.
Walking beside him to the dining hall was a damn journey. I yawned and earned a glance of his eyes that were so caring. But again, I was too exhausted to give anything back.
“Go ahead and sit while I get our food.” I nodded, waiting for him to release my hand. When he did I found a spot in the back by the window overlooking my favorite part of the center, the river.
“Krishna.” Andrea called my name from across the room. Before I left here, she had to tell me how to glide with such poise. “How are you? I’m so happy to see you and Amell eating with everyone.” Trust me, if I didn’t need to breathe air that wasn’t Amell’s, I would’ve opted to grab and go. “You’ve been on my mind since our session this morning and I wanted to share a small token with you. Can I do that?”
How could anyone tell her no? “Sure.” I hoped whatever she had to say wouldn’t make me cry in front of all these people.
“Awesome. Please understand that I’m speaking from a kind place. Krishna, you’re being stubborn and mean because you think having this emotional control over Amell is cool and fun, when really it’s not doing either of you any good.” Well damn, tell me how you really feel. “If you love that man, and I mean truly love him, love him with no shame. Don’t be ashamed to be in the moment of whatever that may be. Grudges cause unnecessary pain. Moving on means to recognize the faults, forgive, and move on. You two share a beautiful soul tie. Either remember the vows you took, for better and for worse, or untie him.” A few taps to my hand and she was gone.
I never been read so gracefully in my life. Nothing she said was false. It was all true. My latest battle since Amell and I have been sharing the same space has been my mind. My heart, that bloody red vessel cared nothing about my griping and moping. It wanted to love Amell till the wheels fell off.
My mind on the other hand, I kept fighting with myself on whether or not I was doing the right thing. Beau had become such a distant memory and all I saw was Amell. Once again, he had become my focal point. Hearing him tell his levels of pain, it did something to me.
“I got us a little bit of everything.” He sat down with one plate filled with all the seafood dishes made. My silence made him uneasy. He started to separate the portions onto two plates until I stopped him.
“I’m okay with sharing.” Seeing him like this, so fragile and extra gentle with me, it pierced my heart that I had been taking advantage of him in his vulnerable state.
With my head on his shoulder he fed us and surprisingly I felt at peace. Right then I made the decision to live in the moment. I decided that Amell was worth fighting for. I didn’t come all this way to wallow in our past sorrows.
Andrea was right. We vowed for better and for worse. This was our worst and by the grace of God I prayed we made it through.
After dinner we walked back to our cabin hand in hand; my head resting on his shoulder and him lowly singing. Daily our passion grew but neither of us moved to take it physical. I think we both knew that once we crossed those lines, the what if was no longer the what if.
“I like having this control over you,” I blurted out once we made it inside. He had just finished securing the locks when my confession commanded him still.
“For once I set the tone of how we move, how you move, and that is selfish of me. To be honest I don’t like it much. I called my own bluff when I had to leer and kill Miguel. I could never be the female version of you. You were a coward for leaving me, Amell.” I promise this is my last time having this conversation.
Gap legged and wide stance, he stood before me with low eyes. “I thought leaving you would make things better.”
“Doubt started to root when I figured out that Noelani knew about your plan and I knew nothing. That’s another issue I have, Amell. You’re supposed to be my man. The one who I’m supposed to trust with everything in me. Tell all my secrets to. Laugh with. You’re my person. My equal. I tell you everything, but I never got the same respect back. Were you sleeping with her? Having some secret affair behind me and Cassian’s back?”
He stepped back shooting fire darts with those menacing eyes. “Are you out of your damn mind? Cheating on you? Why would I do that when you unselfishly give me all that I ever need? My actions on turning myself in may not make sense to a few but I’m far from dumb.” We were pitiful.
“Then why her, Amell? Why tell her?”
“Because the less you knew the better. I won’t apologize for not saying anything, but I will apologize for making you think that I valued her over you. That wasn’t the case at all. Keeping you far from me seemed like the logical thing to do at the time. You said yourself that the dark parts of my life isn’t you. Noelani knew because she lives a similar life. I wanted to protect you the best way I knew how.”
“How when being with you makes me complete? Besides God, who is my everything, I’m devoted to you mind, body, and soul.” Taking his hand in mind I stepped back towards the bathroom. At first his steps were uncertain until he gave over that control. “I know you feel like you failed everyone, but you haven’t. The only one you’re going to fail is yourself if you don’t see, understand, that even though you broke my heart, experiencing you in this moment, all of you, for that I am the utmost grateful.” Since I had control, I was going to take control over the next chapter of our lives. That chapter was us…together.
With my eyes on him I turned on the shower and adjusted it to his liking. “During dinner I decided to put down my petty shield and instantly I became drawn to you. I felt relieved on the walk here.” Lifting his shirt my hands glided over the dips of his abs. “See yourself through my eyes, King.” His body shuttered and his eyes closed. I watched with such thirstiness as his face morphed into different arousals. Such a provocative image worth capturing.
His nose flared. His jaw ticked. Those strong hands squeezed and released. Then those eyes that forever collided with mine, I’d jones over this man until the day after forever.
“You’re my doula. Without having the proper example of love and only relying on God’s love, you’ve guided and supported me more than anyone.” I sat there on my knees as he removed his legs from his sweats. When he stood completely naked, I made my way back up but not before delivering three wet kisses to his oozing mushroom head.
“Gazelle.” The deep melody of my name coming from his lips caused the drops of chocolate on my breast to harden. In a quickness I undressed and guided us to the shower.
“You’re my doula, King. You assist me when ideas are planned. You care for me until I give birth to them. Remember when you encouraged me to go after the assistant principal position in LA, and then to teach again once I move to Florida? You saw how much I missed teaching and encouraged me to go after what made me happy.” His beautiful chocolate skin, I envied the water running over it. So jealous that I licked a line from the center of his chest to his navel. His moans and groans, the closed eyes, I wanted him badly.