“All it shows is that you are just a man who can’t save everyone. The same with Clover.” At the mention of her mother’s name Krishna held tight to my hands and dropped her head to her lap. Silently crying and rocking side to side. “At the end of the day we have to pay for our sins and no I’m not saying that their deaths are the wages of your sins but they lived that lifestyle way before you. Simply put, you are not to blame for anything or anyone’s actions but your own. When are you going to live your life for you? What does living for Amell look like? You went to prison for revenge, all of us understand that, but why the additional time when you could’ve done what Krishna did? You’ve told me but tell your wife.”
Cupping my Gazelle’s head in my hands I kissed each tear away, even the ones that kept falling. “Your plan was always my plan and the fact that you figured it out.” I shook my head pressing my lips against hers. “I’m embedded deep in your soul that you even think like me, but not even that depth kept you from trying to replace me.” I leaned back refusing to see whatever her eyes had to say to me.
Her gasp was enough to know that I knocked her off her pivot. “Focus, Amell. We aren’t there yet.” Andrea laid a hand on my shoulder.
“After I killed a few people I was placed in seg solitary confinement. Alone in a prison cell for twenty-three hours a day became a mental challenge in itself just being alone. A psychological challenge. I had no choice but to think about things I’ve done. Reflect on all my childhood trauma. Think about every sin I committed. Repent and converse with God. Repeating the cycle over every day. My family was better off without me. I was where I deserved to be. You think I want my nieces growing up and finding out all the shit I’ve done? Or my nephews wanting to be like me like I’m a motherfucking idol? Then my sweet little Ari…”
It felt like invisible fists were pounding against my chest knocking the wind out of me. All I could do was hang my head and close my eyes. “That little girl loves me as if she came from my loins. She wants to read the things I read. Watch what I watch. Eat what I eat. She’s latched onto me like I’m the light of her world. I can’t taint her with my evil.”
Who moved first, I don’t know. All my life I kept telling myself that releasing my pain in any shape or form outside of the ruthless things I did were not manly. Andrea forced that out of me today and Krishna was right there to catch me.
“Do you know why I call you King?” Krishna pulled my hands apart to straddle my lap. My hands instantly went to her waist. We sat there in Andrea’s office transfixed in our own world. “Answer me, King?” Krishna’s tiny hands held my face in her hands with her lips pressed against mine. Not kissing but breathing into me.
“No, baby. Tell me.” This was the most intimate we’ve been since we arrived, and I wanted to swim in it. Swim in her.
“I call you king because you’re royal, resilient, strong and passionate.” Her lips never moved from mine. It’s like she wanted me to feel her speak. “You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Honor and respect comes to you without question because you protect and love so selflessly. You’re honest and intentional. You courted me. You love on me as no other man ever can. Ever since I became yours there has never been a day that passed by when I didn’t feel loved. Respected. Cherished. Desired.
You are strong because you’ve felt pain. You are strong because you had no one to depend on but yourself. You are strong because, despite everything you’ve been through, King, you’re still here. Courage, strength, and wisdom are your allies. You’re wise yet meek. Your love for God, the sexiest thing ever attached to your physic. I love you. Your brothers love you. Your entire family loves you. Do you know why we were hurt so bad when you left us? It hurt us because you took your light away. We need you. We’ll always need you and not just to protect us, but to love on us back.”
I pulled her roughly, almost violently to me. I needed to kiss her. Needed to feel her chest against mine. Her trembling limbs clung to me. Her hands roaming all over my head and neck. The calm she had while she spoke, I shattered that with the hunger of my kisses. I wanted Krishna to feel me. To really feel me.
Feel how uninhibited she made me. Feel how feral she made me love her. Feel that I’d never, ever do anything to cause her pain again. “Wow. Um, hey guys. I’m sitting right here.” Andrea spoke with humor.
Krishna giggled against my lips, hands still roaming around my face. “I’m sorry, Andrea. I just had to remind my king of the throne he sat on.” She dropped her chin on my chest with a sigh of pleasure.
We were going to be sitting in this chair for a while. I had on sweats and I knew for sure my dick was standing at attention. “Don’t you dare move,” I nibbled against her earlobe before taking it in my mouth.
“Hey!” Andrea squeaked hearing Krishna moan. “While you two are the throes of passion, which I love by the way, I want to tell you about the new changes.” That got our attention. “First thing first, both of you will be moved to the main lodging house sharing a cabin. While living together I want you two glued to each other’s side. Bathe together. Of course, sleep in the same bed. Pray with each other. Go for a walk for one hour each day and share one thing that you love about the other. This phase is about falling back in love. Don’t feel pressured to have sex. Focus on the intimacy of getting to know each other again. Remember how your love story began. How does that sound?”
I was down with it. Probably the best thing I heard since we been here but then my eyes collided with Krishna and my happiness depleted. That guard came back up with a vengeance.
Krishna
My tears burned enough pillows.
No more rain poured from my dark grey clouds. Could a person ever truly be cried out? I maxed out of self-pity. Being here showed me that there’s no hiding places when someone has hurt you. It’s written on your face, and it reads ‘broken spirit, lost and confused. Empty, scared, used and abused, a fool.’ And the smile you wear seems a bit out of place. Only thing is, when spring has come and winter’s gone, my love will be the only thing guiding him home.
Thank you Angie Stone.
We finally broke into six months. Four apart and two together. A complete three years since US Marshals arrested him. Every night Amell and I shared together he’d rub me down in my favorite oat and honey body oil. Afterwards I’d lay on the bed letting the oil seep through my skin, watching him go from stark naked to covered in boxer briefs. Then, he’d come back to me and dress me in one of his shirts and a pair of his socks.
Our nightly prayers were said. A kiss to my forehead and then I’d lay on my side for a good minute before he’d wrap his arm around my waist and pull me into the bricks of his chest. Automatically sleep would find me. Nestled in his arms I’d sleep like I never slept before. No matter how wild I slept those arms never ventured too far.
“Are you sure you want to eat in the main dining hall?” His scent surrounded me wherever I went. Andrea even noted that I smelled like him yesterday and the day before. We were slowly drifting back to that place of him emerging himself deep into my world again.
Was I even ready for that?