“Amell is at the end of his intensive sessions and we agreed to save one for you to hear. Face to face you might roll your eyes or be disengaged. I don’t want that. I want Amell to be able to express his problems without receiving judgement from you. While he’s speaking, Krishna, be his strength. When you feel him become too heavy, be his strength. I need you all to learn how to lean on each other and listen. Ready?” “Yes.” Krishna’s voice quaked.
“Great. I know this isn’t easy hearing him be transparent, but it’s needed. If you need a break please let me know.”
Krishna’s body vibrated the entire time. Either she was sniffling or shaking so bad that I stopped several times to ask if she was okay. I spoke clearly about everything and I mean everything. Recapped our conversations since I first arrived four months ago. Then we got here, the space that shifted our relationship for the worst.
“Back to the PTSD. When you black out and flashback to your childhood, the abuse of your father, and the abandonment of your mother, that anger comes out in the form of you causing bodily harm to other people.” The way she explained it made me feel like I was a damn wild animal. “You also suffer from hypo-arousal, feeling numb and cut-off. Feeling detached from loved ones. I can go down the list, but I think you understand where I’m coming from.”
I haven’t been able to sleep for the last six nights. Every time I shut them, I had nightmares of the young kid I killed while fighting in the underground ring. All he wanted to do was have a good time. Fight me for fun. He was young. Had a whole life to live and I took it away because I allowed my past to place me in a dark space.
Not handling my issues has caused many innocent people to die. Many of them. What I started to fear most when I blacked out is having those moments around my family. Around Krishna.
“Is-Is that why he feels inadequate?” Krishna leaned back into me and I released a heavy sigh. I was tired. Emotionally tired.
“Yes it is.” Andrea placed her notepad on the table beside her chair and leaned forward. “Remember when I told that I rarely have moments of feeling inadequate?” I nodded. “It’s rare because I’m more unique than you.” She winked, causing me to give her a half smile. “Those moments when I question my worth and who I am I turn to scripture. I love the book of Jeremiah because it tells us the plans God has for us. God knows you, Amell. The same as he knew Jeremiah, he knows you too.
Long before you were born or even a thought, He knew you. Thought about you and made plans for you. When you feel discouraged and inadequate, remember that God has always thought of you as valuable and has had a purpose in mind for you. Instead of always focusing on your bad, try focusing on the good you’ve done. Think about Odom.” My body stiffened. Krishna’s hands reached around until she found mine.
“Growing up he had you as a friend. A friend that didn’t judge him. A friend that opened his home to him knowing that he was risking getting a beating from his father. You were his refuge in his silence of disparity. I know you’re going to say he went to jail because of you but we don’t know that. No, I’m not agreeing that what you did was the rightful thing to do but I look at it like this, and God forgive me, but what if there was another little boy sent to live with them after Odom and O’Nesha left? Do you know how many children may have suffered at the mercy of that man’s sick abuse?”
Andrea had a way of breaking things down and making you understand them in a different light. It never crossed my mind that what Odom’s foster father did may have happened before and could’ve happened after him. Who’s to say that Odom was the only one? What if he started messing with O’Nesha?
“Even with O’Nesha.” Krishna squeezed my hand tighter hearing Andrea bring her up. I told Krishna many times that O’Nesha was a sore subject for me to talk about. “Let’s face it, Amell. You couldn’t have stopped her from getting killed. How far away were you when she called you?” Why was she making me relive this misery?
Clearing my throat, I stroked the back of Krishna’s hand for comfort. “At least forty-five minutes away.”
Andrea nodded her head, still smiling like she wasn’t set out on destroying my hard exterior. “O’Nesha had already been rushed to the hospital by the time you got to her side of town. Listen to me, Amell.” She reached forward and grabbed my other hand. “There was nothing you could’ve done.” Saltiness filled my mouth with the clenching of my jaw. I kept blinking. Hoping and praying that I kept it all together. My eyes had surpassed cloudy, releasing those emotions. I wasn’t ready yet.
“What exactly do you blame yourself for when it comes to her? You blame yourself for what, being able to raise her son? If it had not been for you JD would’ve been a ward of the state and possibly sent to a foster home somewhere like where Odom and O’Nesha had to live.”
“His uncle abused him for years. It’s the same cycle.” I spat trying to free my hands from them. Krishna clung tighter and Andrea stopped my efforts with her gentle spirit.
“In a sense, yes, but Odom committed suicide because he felt like no one could help him. JD has you. He overcame because of the people you brought into his life like Krishna and Pacino. He wouldn’t have known them if it wasn’t for you. While you were in prison they became his support system. Did you know that Krishna arranged for JD to spend a summer in New York with my brother right after your sentencing? My brother runs a program for teenage boys. Helps give them someone to talk to and do things with. Between God, Andre and Landon, JD found healing. He’s in his junior year of college and doing exceptionally well, and that’s because of you.”
I thought back on the conversation JD and I had once I got out. Hearing his disappointment made me feel lower than zero. I loved that kid more than anything. Just how I had a lot of making up to do with Krishna, it was going to take some time for him and I to get back where we were.
“Krishna, for this one I want you to sit in front of Amell.” Any other time I’d get up to help the ladies move the chairs but I couldn’t. My body felt too heavy to do anything other than sit here and listen. “Perfect. Krishna, grab both of his hands.” My Gazelle, my beautiful Gazelle. She held my hands in hers giving me a teary smile. I’m not sure she had yet to stop crying.
“I want you all face to face because I’m going to talk about Mitch.” When Krishna dropped her head, I already knew this was about to be a tough conversation for us to have. “I’ve heard from both of you how Mitch died, and I offer my sincerest apologies.” Krishna thanked her while I sat focused on the woman in front of me. “It was a normal day for both of you and to my understanding. Amell, you weren’t supposed to be with him, right?”
It took me a while to be able to form one word. “Right.” Krishna held my hands to her lips and kissed my knuckles. Her touch, it soothed the knives stabbing in my chest. “You carry the burden of Mitch’s death on your shoulders as if you were the one to pull the trigger. How could you have saved him? There were liars and deceivers in your crew. People who made their own decision to betray Mitch.”
Andrea was innocent. I’d even call her green. The codes to the streets were unfamiliar to her and I had to remember that. Being Mitch’s right hand came with many responsibilities that were foreign to her like making sure the guards who protected Mitch were A-1 and not snakes.