Off memory from sitting in the pews of church growing up, I placed one hand behind his neck and the other on the wrist of the hand he had covering his nose. I said a silent prayer asking God to give me strength so that I wouldn’t fail him and pass out. My soul vibrated and my spirit danced as I boisterously baptized him in the name of Jesus Christ. Reading off Acts 2:38 by memory.
When I dunked him under the water and he raised up, water breaking off of him and his closed eyes, he stood to his full height like the true king that he’s always been.
“Are you ready?” He asked me with a smile that told me angels were covering us. “Yes,” my voice trembled.
He repeated my words and I repeated his actions of submission. When he dunked me, I felt alive? Powerful. Anew. “I love you, Amell.” I leaped in his arms, body vibrating from the magnitude of our love growing. “I love you, Gazelle. Day after forever, I’ll always love you.”
Chapter 26
Amell
Edgewater Center for Healing gave us a second chance. A second and a third. I’m glad Krishna never let it be known that she had my release date in her hands. I think I might have put on a persona and told Andrea what she needed to hear instead of actually giving myself the opportunity to heal. What tomorrow brought, I’m not sure. Often, I wondered if I’d go back to what made me, me. Cassian still had control over the ports and Atlas was our Ops. A family business that really didn’t have to be as ruthless as it once was, but nevertheless the decision weighed on me.
“When we get back what do you want to change? What are you fearing the most?” Krishna and I were on our last stroll. Our last walk around Edgewater Center for Healing before we boarded a plane heading back to Fort Lauderdale.
“I want us to find a therapist once we settle in. We have a lot of issues to work through, Amell, and while we broke ground in the last six months, we have a long way to go. I just need you to be open with me. Communicate even if it’s hard. Write me a letter or we can try the back to back talking. Just please, talk to me. Haven’t I proved that I’d never judge you. Never leave you.” She’d done more than prove herself and I hated that I made her question her worth.
“I agree. I’m honestly a little sad that we’re leaving, aren’t you?” Here we had everything that we needed minus our family. We had the support of our counselors, an amazing chef, and one hell of a view. Krishna splurged on the spa amenities almost every day.
My biggest lack of confidence came from the unknown of what would happen outside of these walls. We’d be alone, together, facing our issues with no Andrea and the other folks to help us. For the first time in almost ten years of marriage, we’d have to fight together and not against one another. We’d have to actually do what married couples do…be married.
There was no more of her going back to California after our week-long vacations. No more sneaking around and pretending to be friends.
We were lovers. We were married. She was my Gazelle.
“I’m definitely going to miss this place. Andrea said that we could come back anytime we wanted. Maybe once a year come here to regroup. All I know is that I’m grabbing Chef Nathan’s number. His food is amazing.” She moaned, rubbing her belly like we hadn’t just ate breakfast.
“Took y’all long enough.” JD smirked. He and a few of the staff members were waiting for us by the garden.
“Krishna and Amell, I’m so glad that we have become the best of friends.” Andrea stood in the middle of them glowing and illuminating positive light as she always did. “What I want you both to take with you is choose to love each other, even in the moments when it feels unbearable. Prioritize time together. Never stop dating. Continue to be friends. You’d be surprised how many couples I counsel that are married but not friends.
“Make laughter the soundtrack of your marriage. Even in the hard times, find those reasons, even the small ones, to laugh. When you argue, there isn’t a winner or loser. Come together and find a solution. Understand that there will be moments in your marriage when both of you won’t be standing strong, and that’s not a moment to beat down on the one who is weak. Having a successful marriage is not bringing 50/50 to the table. Only thing 50/50 is a divorce. Bring your all, one hundred percent.
God's plan for your life is masterfully unique. Keeping secrets is the enemy of intimacy. Lies break trust and trust is the foundation of a strong marriage. When you've made a mistake, admit it and humbly seek forgiveness. Be patient with each other. Your spouse is always more important than your schedule. Protect your spouse at all times and in all places. Lastly, remember that a "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other. You got it?” Krishna and I responded, “Yes.”
“Friends hug, Krishna.” It was known that you had to tread lightly on the affection shown to Andrea. Seeing them hug and giggle, everyone standing by witnessing had a smile on their face. “Life will live here again. Trust God’s promises for you.” Andrea declared with her hand resting on Krishna’s stomach. I prayed God showed us favor and blessed us with children.
“Awesome. Now, here’s the fun part.” Andrea held out her hand towards JD and he handed her several papers. “These are the divorce papers you two signed. Is it safe to say that these can be burned?” She handed me the lighter and Krishna the papers.
“Are you ready?” Krishna gazed up at me with eyes reflecting the unconditional love she had for me.
“I’m ready, baby.” Raising her clasped hand to my lips, I kissed her knuckles, smiling at the trimmers and lip biting she tried to hide.
Our divorce papers were burned to ashes. Hugs were given and we headed straight to Jacksonville airport for our flight back home. Krishna cuddled up next to me and JD sat on the other side watching a movie. The hour flight flew by without a care that I hadn’t come up with the first words I’d say to my brothers. Say to Ari. I think out of everyone I dreaded seeing her most.
Just like with Krishna, I saw my flaws in her eyes even though she cherished me like I gave her the world. Before I left she had an extensive barbie doll collection. Books lining every inch of the walls in her room. No matter what I gave her, nothing replaced her need to be in my space. To listen when I talked. To eat what I ate. To watch what I watched.
“If I punch you in the mouth you better not hit me.” Cassian’s smug and smirk made me smile. Fatherhood looked good on him. Love looked good on him. Staring at him and Atlas, it’s like time allowed them to age slowly over the last three years. Only thing that might’ve changed is their maturity.
“Nigga, move. You ain’t gon’ punch nobody but your damn self.” Young pushed Cassian out the way and hugged me till I struggled to breathe. “I swear if you pull some shit like that again I will kill you myself.” Atlas hissed in my ear. “I forgive you and I love you, Amell.”
Before there was ever a JD there was Atlas Aaron Kalmin. Young to me and Boe to Cassian. The baby of the clan. The only one with a leveled head and dreams that were legal.
“Come on and hug daddy.” Cassian stood there with his arms wide open. I missed him a lot. No one jumping out at me when I turned a corner ready to smash a pie in my face or deliberately giving my fish a damn dish detergent bath. He and I stood there hugging the longest. For a moment I thought he was crying from the random shivers. “Please, don’t ever leave me like that again.” He mumbled before stepping back.