“What was that for?”
“I just want you to feel good,” I whispered into his ear and kissed his earlobe, causing him to shudder. I smiled. It was great to know my kisses affected him the same way his affected me. “What’s wrong?”
He held my gaze, and for a moment, I thought he was going to tell me, but then he tightened his jaw and looked away, refusing to open up to me. “Nothing.”
“It can’t be nothing when you’re like this.”
“Stop pushing me for answers. You won’t get any.”
My stomach curled. I leaned away from him, having a hard time accepting that he wasn’t able to share his problems with me in moments like this. Would he ever be able to open up to me when he was the most vulnerable? Would he ever let himself rely on me when he needed it the most?
I gazed out of my window, entangled deeper in my rushing thoughts, when I felt his hand on mine. My eyes snapped to his. “Hayden?”
“I’m sorry,” he mouthed. “I suck at this. Let’s talk about it later, okay?”
“Okay.”
I covered his hand with my other hand and let him lean his head against my shoulder, pretending I didn’t notice Carmen’s curious glances in the rear-view mirror. He couldn’t share his thoughts with me, but our closeness and silent touches would have to do for now.
Hayden refused to let us help him walk when we arrived to their house, struggling to maintain balance as he trudged through the snow with his duffel bag hung over his shoulder. Carmen and I had cleaned the driveway today, removing the piles of snow that had accumulated on the ground, but there was a thick layer of snow now that slowed him down.
I followed Hayden to his room, while Carmen went to the kitchen to make dinner, giving us some privacy. As we reached Hayden’s room, I glanced at Kayden’s door, and my heart swelled with the memories of this afternoon.
Earlier today, I gave in and went into his room, spending some time reminiscing about Kayden and all our moments together. Out of all the rooms I cleaned these days, Kayden’s room was the only one I hadn’t entered because I was scared of drowning in the old, potent emotions that inhabited my being.
However, there was no bitterness or crushing sadness as I sat there in silence and let my gaze wander around his neat room. I was able to smile and think about all those hours we’d spent on his floor playing video games, watching anime and movies on his laptop, or reading mangas. I was able to remember him without regrets and guilt. Finally, after more than two years, I was able to move on and let my broken heart heal piece by piece on this long path of self-acceptance.
I smiled and entered Hayden’s room. I was instantly greeted by the remnants of his strong scent that always allured me, and a pleasant shudder rolled down my spine. Hayden plopped down on his computer chair and buried his head into his hands, taking a deep breath as he threw his head back.
“Hayden, what’s going on? Talk to me.”
I crouched in front of him and palmed his wide open knees, but he didn’t move, breathing heavily into his hands. Worry clouded my mind. I pulled his hand slowly to me and intertwined our fingers.
“Don’t hide things from me. I want to share your pain and troubles. Just like you once told me, I can’t be okay when you’re not okay, so let me take the weight off your shoulders.”
His eyes flew open, fiery with an emotion I couldn’t recognize. They burned into my heart, mind, and world, and I couldn’t breathe. I pressed a kiss on his abraded knuckle, holding his stare that grew darker.
I wasn’t aware of moving, but suddenly I was kneeling between his legs. I cupped his cheeks as we looked at each other, connected to him in an inexplicable way. Our breaths merged as our gazes roamed across our faces, and all coherent thoughts ceased to exist for a few blissful moments.
“Please stay with me,” he whispered and pressed his forehead against mine. “Stay here tonight.”
My heart began its wild rhythm. I wanted nothing more than that. “Yes. I’ll stay.”
He cracked a huge smile and wrapped his arms around my waist, bringing me closer to him. He pressed his thighs into me, his hands moving low on my back in an intimate move, and heat flared through me.
“I’ll ask your mom to let me sleep on the couch in the living room.”
His smile faltered. “No. Stay in my room,” he implored.
His plead touched something deep in me. “I... I’m not sure that’s okay. Besides, Carmen is here and it might not be appropriate—” I didn’t even finish my sentence when I saw him shut down. He moved his chair back and stood up abruptly, moving over to his window.
“Forget it.”
I inhaled an unsteady breath. “Hayden? I—”
“I said, forget it. You can go now. I don’t want you to waste your time on me here. Go home and get some rest.”
I got up to my feet and twisted my hands together, reproaching myself for always letting my insecurities win. “No. I want to be with you. I—”
He gripped the window sill. “Go home. I’m tired, and I don’t need you here anymore. Good night.” He didn’t look away from the window; his posture was rigid as he took quick breaths.
“No.” I erased the space between us and hugged him from behind.
Now that I knew how he functioned, the meaning of his words was more than clear to me. I hurt him so he tried to push me away, but letting him push me away would convince him I didn’t care. In reality, he wanted me to stay and fight for him, but his mind twisted it into this.
“I’m not going anywhere. I didn’t say that because I don’t want to be with you or because you’re a burden to me. I said that because I’m embarrassed, okay? This would be my first time to spend a night in my boyfriend’s room, and I didn’t want your mom to think I’m an easy girl, but then again, I don’t really care if she thinks that. I want to stay here. That’s what I’ve wanted for so long, so as you’d say, screw my insecurities. I’ll stay.” I finished blabbing on a deep inhale, hoping I didn’t say anything that could unsettle him and push him further away.
I rested my head against his shoulder. “I love you, Hayden. I’m sorry for always being so insecure about insignificant things. That’s something I’m trying to change, and I don’t want you caught up in the middle of it.”
“Then why can’t you relax for once and be impulsive? Why do you have to overthink everything?” His sharp voice cut deeply through me, but I didn’t let it submerge me in pain.
“Because I’ve been overthinking my whole life, and now I don’t know how to loosen up. I have yet to learn how to shut off all these negative thoughts and enjoy the moment.” I kissed his shoulder, worried because he had yet to move. “Just know I’ll always love you, and I’ll stay here because I want to. I’ll always stay.”
Neither of us said a word for a long while. His breathing evened, but he was still motionless, and I just hoped he would believe me. I hoped he would be able to see this from a different angle.
“Hayden?” I curled my fingers into his shirt, tightening my grip around him. “Please, say something.”
He didn’t, not until he took my hand on his chest and kept it firmly there. “Why didn’t you put up new blinds?” I glanced at my bare window across from us, surprised by this sudden topic. “That’s something I thought about a lot. Was it because you were afraid of what I could do to you if you defied me?”