“And as I said, Hayden and I need to work on our trust, which comes gradually. Maybe one day we’ll all be able to move on from this mess, but until then...”
She tsked, giving me a look filled with sympathy. “Until then you’re going to wear that guilt in you.”
“Well, it’s not like that’s something new to me. After everything, it feels like I’ve felt guilty my whole life.” My smile didn’t reach my eyes. “Guilt is my middle name. Ha ha.”
“Geez, Sar. Come here.” She pulled me into another hug. “I know I can be a bitchy friend sometimes, but you know I just want you happy?” I nodded against her shoulder. “I’m sad Mateo and you feel this way, but I understand that both of you need time. On the bright side, things are going well with Hayden, so you can all resolve your issues sooner rather than later.”
I broke our embrace, glad that we avoided getting into yet another tiring argument. “Do you think Jess and Kevin are all right?”
“Of course they are! Besides, they need some time alone so their romance can blossom.”
I chuckled as I followed her out of the restroom, intending to use the rest of our lunch break to eat at least something. I just hoped one day everything would be okay between Mateo and me and, more importantly, he would be happy. He didn’t deserve any less.
Chapter 10
THE SILENCE IN MRS. Black’s car on the way to Hayden’s house was tense. It showed me her relationship with Hayden hadn’t improved, despite how differently she treated her son. I took Hayden’s hand next to me to chase away his bad mood, but it did nothing of the sort. His head was turned away from me, his eyes fixed on the snow-coated buildings and shops we passed.
The holidays had started five days ago, and Hayden was finally discharged from the hospital this evening. According to his doctor, he’d showed an extraordinary progress. He remembered more of the day of his accident, and he was able to fully move his hands. He’d been working with a physical therapist the last few days, who helped him walk around the room and ward since his muscles had somewhat atrophied after all those days lying in bed.
They removed the cast from his left arm yesterday, so he could use both hands now, though he had to do the exercises his therapist showed him to regain mobility and reduce stiffness. His broken ribs were still healing, causing him pain from time to time. This irritated him more often than not, but he managed to deal with anger and tension, relying on me whenever it became hard.
We spent all our time together since there was no school, mostly watching funny YouTube videos and movies on his MacBook, and I was able to learn so much more about him. He loved writing poetry, coding, and working out, and disliked pop and country music, anime, and variety shows. His pet peeves were slow drivers, long lines, and people accidentally stepping on his shoes, and he preferred CDs over digital albums, hence the many CDs always lying around his room.
He was ever so sweet, showering me with kisses, declarations of love, and promises that he would take care of me, respect me, and do his best to be better, and it often felt like I was dreaming. Everything was so perfect I was afraid it would shatter. I knew there would be a lot of bumps on our road, but when would the next bump come?
Was this the idealization phase, where everything I did was met with utmost adoration and approval? Was I a person he’d put on a pedestal until I did something wrong and he kicked me off? I’d experienced Hayden’s devaluation, so I couldn’t delude myself with naive thinking. Sooner or later, I’d enrage him, but we needed to find our way of dealing with it.
I held onto the words Kayden told me a long time ago: “Whenever one person becomes his enemy, they’re on Hayden’s black list for good. However, he keeps coming back only to those he truly, deeply cares about, despite everything.”
“So what would you like for dinner?” Carmen asked us, ending the silence between us.
She took a paid leave so she could stay with Hayden and take care of him during his recovery, which was a huge step forward. She was finally ready to fight for her son and give him love, and I was happy she stopped using her job as her refuge. She learned to accept him and decided to help him on his long journey to recovery.
This didn’t mean that Hayden changed the way he treated his mom. Quite the opposite. The more she tried to regain his trust, the more he retracted into himself, refusing to let her come any closer to him.
“Hayden?” I asked him, looking at his profile. He didn’t move; his eyes remained on the scenery outside. “What would you like?” Nothing. He didn’t even blink.
I wished I knew what was going on inside his head. I thought he would be happy that he was going home at last, but he withdrew into himself the moment we exited the hospital and stayed silent, wearing a constant frown on his face.
“How does pizza sound?” she asked, glancing between Hayden and me in the rear-view mirror.
“It sounds great. What do you think, Hayden?” His unresponsive hand was cold beneath mine, and I wondered if he was aware I still held it. His eyes were glazed, like he was in his own world, seeming troubled by something. “Hayden? Are you okay?”
I nudged him, and he finally moved, giving me a disinterested look. “I’m not hungry.”
“You have to eat something. You need energy,” Carmen told him. “Besides, this will be our first time to eat all together, and I can’t wait to—”
“I’m not hungry,” he repeated sharply, glaring at her.
“But Hayden—”
“I said, I’m not hungry!” He yanked his hand away from mine and crossed his arms over his chest.
She winced. The corners of her lips dipped down, but she didn’t argue with him. “Okay. No dinner then. I’ll make something for you, Sarah.”
I didn’t know how to react so I just nodded. The atmosphere between them was strained, and I didn’t feel comfortable being in the middle. I didn’t know the reason for Hayden’s mood change or if I contributed to it or not.
“I’m also not hungry,” I told her, which was true. Since Hayden’s accident, my meals consisted of wolfing down food without enjoying it whatsoever, and this regime didn’t change. I had zero appetite.
“That’s not okay. You must eat. You’re already too thin, and I don’t want you to get sick.”
There it was, the thing adults always said to skinny children. I smiled, touched that she cared enough for me to say it.
Hayden’s accident helped me form a stronger connection with her. We spent long hours sitting next to each other in the hospital, shedding tears together and letting our sorrow bring us closer, and it was etched in my memories forever. It reminded me of the moments we shared after Kayden’s death, but this time there was no suffocating guilt that held me back from reaching out to her. This time we shared our fears, regrets, and wishes, which helped me understand her better. It also brought me her unconditional support and the motherly warmth I never had.
“Thank you, Mrs. Black.”
“I told you already to call me Carmen, sweetie. We’re not strangers.”
My smile broadened. “Yes, Carmen.”
Hayden looked through the window again with a darker expression. Acting on an impulse, I kissed his cheek, and his eyes widened at me.