“She doesn’t need to compete. The winner has already been selected, and while they were posturing, she was nestled in my bed sleeping or rummaging through my closet. I’m talking about you, Darlene. Congratulations. I’m keeping you.”
I considered going back to bed to see if a few hours restored the Devil to sanity. “Are you crazy? Also, you’re skipping a few steps.”
“Yes,” he replied with zero evidence of shame. “I am absolutely crazy. I’m the Devil. I’m supposed to be crazy. You only have yourself to blame. You came into my home and took it over. I’ve just decided I’m accepting your offer of taking it over, so you’ve made the bed and you get to sleep in it.” He pointed at his bedroom. “That specific bed. I’ll be joining you in it often. Are the other steps important?”
I considered that, and careful not to lose hold of my drink, I pointed at a spot on the back of my left hand. “See that spot?”
“I do. It’s lovely.”
“That’s a gateway spot, but to obtain the gateway spot, you need to talk to your brothers and use both please and thank you in the same discussion. Ask one of them to bring me another coffee and use those words. This one isn’t going to last long enough for the show I was promised. The next spot you earn involves the missing steps.”
“You’re really going to make me use those dirty, foul words, aren’t you?”
“The gateway spot must be conquered before you can gain access to any other spots, so yes. I am. The witnessing portion of this must still happen, too. While Phenexia may have witnessed you use the word please, I missed it, so it doesn’t count.”
Phenexia’s brows rose. “I am both disturbed and seriously impressed.”
“She’s cruel.” The Devil captured my left hand and kissed my knuckles, and while there were spots on my knuckles, he didn’t pay them attention like he did when he was offered a spot for his enjoyment. “As you’re one of my more sensible succubi, Phenexia, do take care to monitor them for idiocy before you leave to join your triad.”
“I can do that. Will she need a suite prepared?”
“No. She’ll be staying with me, and while I will open rooms for her use, her residence is within my bedroom.”
As I could be an epic bitch, I concentrated and shifted, wincing at the flash of pain associated with banishing my fur and spots, leaving behind only my ears and tail. Overall, it went better than I expected, although my skin appeared paler than I thought it should be. Frowning, I freed my hand from the Devil’s hold, inspecting my skin. “Hmm. That’s not quite right.”
“It’s your untanned skin color,” the Devil explained. “You’re fine. You’ll tan again should you sunbathe for a while. My brother warned me you’d be paler.”
“Which brother?”
“Gabriel. Michael was summoned, so Gabriel got saddled with preventing a small apocalypse. To my disgust, Belial also helped with that.”
While vague, I remembered Belial pinning a demon to an unfamiliar floor. I concentrated, and to my pleasure, I conjured the devil’s name from my memories. “Alloces.”
“Yes, him. Belial has handled his imprisonment, and against my general wishes, I am saving him for you to deal with. Belial is making a concoction to transform him and a few accomplices into fish for your amusement. I have also put in some orders for everything required for your trophy room.”
“You should offer gloating time for the devils and demons who dislike Alloces when they please you, and let me put some thought into who gets to clean their habitats.”
“Magic will handle cleaning their habitats. I have decided you will not have to do any cleaning to enjoy your trophies, although you can feed them at your pleasure—or not.”
“I’ll make them accept food from devils and demons they really hate. Also for my amusement.”
The Devil chuckled. “If that’s what you’d like. I am sure I can find volunteers to feed your fish.”
“Make it clear if they cross me, I’ll be feeding them to my fish, too. There’s no reason I can’t reward my pets with good behavior.”
Phenexia giggled, and she covered her mouth. “She’s rather vindictive for a mortal.”
“That she is. It takes spirit to come storming my gates for some classic revenge. Her plans for revenge were thoroughly disrupted, so I will have to make that up to her for when she regroups and tries again. She is not the kind to give up until she’s satisfied.”
The succubus nodded. “I see. There’s still the matter of the other succubi.”
“I thought it was pretty obvious I’ve already made my decision. Darlene just likes being bossy and gave Belial instructions, and because Belial is one of the smarter devils around here, he did as told. That plus he enjoys chaos a little more than he should, and honestly? Watching the succubi all try to lock themselves in unholy matrimony is hilarious. You? You I can see tolerating monogamy for a chance to bang an angel and a human in a twisted threesome, but most of that lot? Greed is considered a sin for a reason, and while I’m a fond supporter of greed and general sin, they seem to have forgotten some key details about what it entails to be my wife.”
Giggling, Phenexia nodded. “When Belial mentioned this insanity to me, I’ll admit, I laughed. I didn’t think any of them would actually consider it or compete with each other to get your attention. I opted against reminding them they’d hate being monogamous. You’re about as bad as a triad. No, you’re worse. Triads tend to fall apart after the mortal’s death. You tend to have a lengthy attention span with a dislike of failure.”
“You would think the succubi would have remembered those things, but no. So much fawning.”
“I’ve noticed he doesn’t like fawning. Really, he likes being pushed around, and you have to dole out his rewards in small increments, else he will become even more egotistical than he already is. I haven’t known him long, and I’ve already figured this out. He’s a simple man to manage.”
“It disturbs me how accurately and quickly you have determined how you will manage him,” the succubus admitted.
“He needs a lot of management. If you need a place to live, and you’re willing to move your man and angel to America, it seems I have a new residence, so you can rent my house. Someone needs to take care of it, and it’s not in a bad location. And a frugal man could probably support his two wives without them having to work. It wouldn’t be easy, but it could be done. Your rent would basically be the maintenance costs, property taxes, and utilities.”
Phenexia’s eyes widened. “You would do that for me?”
“Well, do you think this lout is planning on letting me out of his bedroom anytime soon?” I asked, pointing at the Devil with my coffee. “I’ve the word of an archangel he’s clingy, and I need someone to take care of my house, so we’re all happy. It’s a nice little house, and you can have a child or two comfortably. Or, at least, I was comfortable in it growing up. Don’t ask my brother for his opinion. He’ll complain because he’s spoiled.”
The Devil sighed. “You’re a fixer. What have I brought into my home? I’ve been tricked.”