“He really did.”
I considered Lucifer with interest. “You still have to use both filthy phrases to one of your brothers where I can witness it, but you will get two spots for doing it, for having demonstrated your ability to use filthy phrases in decent company.”
“My brothers are hardly decent.”
“They’re archangels. They’re decent.”
“You are a most cruel and ruthless woman,” the Devil complained, tapping at his odd cell phone. “But very well. I am expecting two excellent spots.”
“All of my spots are excellent.”
“And on that note, I’m going to leave before I witness something I’d rather not. Good luck, Darlene. You’re going to need it. And don’t let him trick you. There are simple solutions to even difficult problems, and your current problem is not a difficult one to solve.”
Twelve
She’s wearing my shirt and tie.
While the Devil dodged saying please or thank you, he managed to convince Gabriel to pay him a visit. The archangel appeared, and he held a black kitten in one hand and a white kitten in the other. Without a word, he handed me both animals, and I sat on the floor, put them on my lap, and joined them in purring.
“He sends his regards,” Gabriel announced.
The Devil heaved a sigh. “Must I, Darlene?”
“You absolutely must. How badly do you want access to new spots?” The white kitten yawned, curled up on my leg, and closed its tiny eyes while the black kitten attacked my hand with a squeak. “Why do I have kittens? Gabriel? You brought kittens? Whose kittens are these? They’re adorable.”
“They’re your kittens. The white one will return to the heavens with me to encourage you to bring Lucifer for visits, although I expect there will be much whining from your kitten upon separation.”
I flattened my ears. “Can we bargain about that? I’ll bring both kittens with me and make him come so I can keep the kittens. I’ve never had a kitten before.” I hesitated, realizing I had two of the fluffy balls to care for. “Two kittens. I’ve never had one kitten, and now I have two kittens. I don’t know how to take care of a kitten. Thank you. Please thank Him for me, too.” I stared at the Devil. “That is how you use those filthy words to polite company who brought me kittens.”
“Kittens?” Lucifer complained. “You brought her a pair of terrors? I’ll be overrun with felines.”
“He felt she could use some company, and they will help her adapt to her new home. The black kitten has a devilish nature, and the white kitten has an angelic nature. That way, we remain in balance, and considering Darlene’s more balanced nature, it’s fitting. They are long lived, and their age will reflect her needs, so some days, you will have playful kittens, other days, you will have older cats wishing to warm laps and keep quiet company. They are empathetic, although they will only be empathetic to members of your family unit. Even she has limits to how much she can adapt in such a short period of time, and the kittens will help her in the upcoming days. They also have a secondary form.”
I perked at that, and while I wiggled my fingers for the black kitten to play with, I straightened and asked, “What secondary form?”
“That of rather large predators. They’re guardians, and He has made you their responsibility. How can I help you, Lucifer?”
The Devil heaved a sigh and bowed his head. “Are you really sure this is going to earn me a spot?”
“Good behavior is rewarded with spots, and I already said I’d give you two for performing this terribly straining and filthy task.” I wanted to grin, but I forced myself to maintain a serious expression.
Muttering curses undermined the general idea of what I forced him to do, but the Devil finally sighed again and asked, “Would you please retrieve an iced coffee for Darlene? She drank her first one and requires another one so I can dance around at her whim.” After shooting a glare at me, he added, “Thank you in advance.”
Gabriel’s laughter chimed, and he slapped his leg, bowing over with his wings spread wide, his feathers splayed. He shook from the force of his mirth, and I wondered if archangels could cry. If they could, he likely sobbed on account of the Devil being reduced to saying please and thank you. “You have been brought low by a woman, Lucifer.”
“She’s wearing my shirt and tie,” he announced. “I am completely justified in my actions.”
“Only because you took her clothes for them to be washed and mended. You could have used magic to do that, by the way.”
Wait. The Devil did housework? There was a single man who could do housework without being told to, and he was also willing to retrieve coffee for me in the mornings? “You cleaned my clothes?”
His answer would determine just how hard I fought back against the succubi seeking his attention.
“Well, I wasn’t going to throw them out. If you want to throw them out, I will not stop you, but I make no promises I will provide new clothes, as I’d prefer you wearing no clothes.”
The succubi would surrender, or I would go on a campaign to rid the Devil’s hells of them. I regarded his shirt and tie and shrugged. “Not a far leap with my current attire.”
“I find your current attire to be quite vexing.”
Gabriel moaned his laughter, went down to his knees, and beat the floor. “You haven’t said thank you in over a thousand years. A woman wearing your shirt has done you in.”
“I’d say look at her, but I’d rather you not.”
“You can use please and thank you rather sarcastically there,” I prompted.
The Devil sighed. “I’d say look at her, but I’d rather you not, please and thank you.”
He needed to work on his sarcastic delivery of his pleases and thank yous, but he had the right general idea. “Don’t mind him, Gabriel. Are you all right?”
The archangel continued to laugh, and he waved his hand in what I thought was a dismissal of my concern. Well, I hoped it was a dismissal of my concern, as I had no intention of rescuing him if he laughed himself to death.
“Don’t mind him, Darlene.” The Devil put his perfect shoe on his brother’s arm and shoved him over. “She needs more coffee, and I’ll destroy anyone who upsets her or fails to provide her coffee at her request.”
“No one can say I didn’t try. Also, if you do that, you’ll bring the End of Days the first time I have to wait in line for coffee. If you create an apocalypse and remove my ability to obtain coffee, I will not be happy. Frankly? You idiots should put a complete stay on the End of Days, because if you eliminate Earth, you eliminate coffee, and whomever eliminates coffees dies at my hand.”
“It doesn’t work like that,” the Devil replied.
“It does now.” The white kitten opened its eyes, twisted its ears back, and hissed at Lucifer. “See? My kitten agrees with me. Are they boy kittens or girl kittens, Gabriel?”
“They are both girls. He figured my brother would like to be able to claim he has a harem. They do not yet have names, for they are yours, and you should have the naming of them.”