However, my thinking was different. I believed:
‘Better to be with the devil that you know.’
The fact that I eventually started to refer to Simon as the devil let me know that I was in way too deep. Yet, I would be with this devil for the next fifteen years, trying to find some good in him and change, which would NEVER come.
When a person shows you who they are, believe them. That is the person they are!
Officially My DENIAL BEGINS
To this day I have never got the full story of why Simon had someone trying to kill him. I was in denial and just placed this incident to the back of my mind. I was lost in him. I loved being around him, the aura that he possessed and the respect that he commended on the streets. He was the boss but I was yet to know of what exactly, but I knew that it was not legit.
I spent most of my free time with Simon, which consisted of us chilling at my house; Simon was paranoid and refused to go anywhere that he could be an easy prey or target. I accepted it without any fuss as I was afraid that he would stop coming round.
Life seemed back to normal, until Simon asked me one day to hold his gun.
‘Davina, I need a favour. Can you hold my piece for me?’
‘Simon, what are you talking about?’
See, right there was the mind of a naive child that was in, way over her head. I had no clue and it showed. Simon chuckled.
‘Davina, my gun, can you keep it safe? My house is bait at the moment.’
‘Errm, Simon, I’m not sure. My nan will kill me if she finds it.’
‘It will be for a week.’
‘OK, I suppose.’
He didn’t even have to beg. I just did what he wanted to keep him happy all the time. I took the gun and hid it under my mattress. I now know it was a stupid place, with hindsight. This was my first time being part of his world. And I accepted it as I felt that it meant that he was starting to trust me with this part of his life, finally.
That night was the first time Simon called me his girlfriend.
‘Davina, you know you’re mine now. Don’t let me catch you talking to any of them waste guys from the estate.’
‘Simon, is this your way of telling me that I’m your girlfriend now?’
‘Davina, I don’t need to tell you, you already know what time it is!’
And just like that, I got the confirmation that I had been waiting for three months. I was officially in my first relationship with a roadman — my biggest mistake. I had no clue what this would involve and just how dangerous it was to be affiliated with Simon Patterson but I would find out real soon.
My world came crashing down really fast. I received a phone call whilst at college from my nan. She was raging. I could hardly make out what she was saying. The only word I understood was ‘GUN’.
‘Davina, what the FUCK is a GUN doing in my house? You better get your ass home, NOW!’
SHIT, SHIT, SHIT. OMG how the hell am I going to explain this now? I dashed out of the common room, told Chanel that I would call her later. I couldn’t tell Chanel what had just happened.
I knew that all hell had broken loose and pissing off my nan was not the right move. I would forever be in the doghouse for this stupidity, big time. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have never said yes to holding his gun and to think, the plan was for him to collect it later on that day. Talk about the worst luck ever!
I proceeded with caution into the house. I found my nan in the kitchen at the dining table with the gun laid out on the kitchen table.
‘Davina, who does this gun belong to?’
‘Nan, I was just holding it for a friend.’
‘What friend?’
‘Nan, you don’t know the person.’
‘Davina, you must take me for a fool.’
‘No, Nan, never.’
‘So why the fuck are you standing there lying in my face?’
‘I’m not, Nan.’
‘Davina, you think I don’t know what Simon does on the road?’
‘Nan, what are you on about?’
‘That boy sells drugs and has you now holding his gun like some fool fool, gal.’
Wow, I was speechless. I didn’t even know that piece of information and here was my nan telling me what my so-called man was involved in. I couldn’t even defend Simon right now as he had refused to tell what he was involved in but I guess the streets talk and I had failed to listen.
‘Davina, I’m waiting for you to explain.’
‘Nan, like I said, it’s a friend and Simon has nothing to do with this.’
‘I never raised you to lie in my face, for a boy that you barely even know.’
‘Nan, he’s a good guy.’
‘Davina, you’re so stuck up his ass, you can’t even see the truth.’
‘What truth?’
‘For all you know, that gun could have been used to kill someone and you, like some dumb fool, you had it hidden under the mattress. Who do you think the police would arrest if they found it? They would arrest YOU if they found it in your possession. I bet you didn’t think of that?’
I never once thought about this. My nan had a valid point. Why didn’t I think like this… ooh, I remember, I was in LOVE.
‘Davina, I am gonna ask you one more time. Does this gun belong to Simon?’
‘No, it’s not Simon’s gun.’
‘I have no words for you. You wanna act grown, you can take your gun and leave. I will not have you staying under my roof if you can boldly lie in my face.’
Right there, my world collapsed. Where was I meant to go? I didn’t bother to beg or plead, I knew my nan’s mind was made up and the way my nan saw it, I chose Simon over my family.
I rang Simon and he answered. I explained to him what had happened whilst crying hysterically. Simon showed sympathy to my situation and said that I could stay with him until I sorted myself out. I packed as much as I could. My nan refused to look at me and or even acknowledge that I was leaving. For the longest it had just been me and my nan, and now I was by myself all because I decided to defend Simon. Is he really worth it?
Sacrificing your family for LOVE is never wrong — it’s only wrong when you’re sacrificing it for the wrong person.
Hostel Life
I had been staying with Simon for two weeks now. It was cool. He was hardly ever in and when he did come in it was just for food or to sleep. I didn’t question him about his whereabouts, I was just happy to have somewhere to stay. Simon had been a big help financially. I was so grateful, I would have never survived by myself.
I eventually told Chanel what happened. She went round to my nan’s one morning and obviously my nan filled her in on what had happened.
‘Dee, your nan just told me what happened. What the hell was you doing with a gun?’
‘I was holding it for a friend.’
‘Dee, cut the bullshit. You were holding it for Simon.’
‘Yes, I was. Only for a week, he was going to collect it that day my nan found it.’
‘Really, Dee, where is your head? You’re acting really dumb.’
‘Thanks for the advice, but I don’t need it. I know what I’m doing.’
‘I really hope you do and I hope he’s worth it?’